Help Fight Cancer By Making Ed Suffer

Help Fight Cancer By Making Ed Suffer September 19, 2013

FTB has formed a virtual fundraising team for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Light the Night project to raise money to fight blood cancers, which means we’re going to be begging and pleading with our readers to contribute to the cause. Ah, but there is a benefit to you — you get to see me humiliated, uncomfortable or in pain if you donate enough money. In fact, I’m going to let you all make suggestions on heinous and unpleasant things I will have to do if I hit $2000 in funds raised.

I already broached this subject on my Facebook page the other day, asking people to make suggestions on what I might have to do if we hit that target. And frankly, I didn’t realize just how cruel my readers and friends could be — or, alternatively, how much they want to see me suffer. Here are some of their suggestions:

Become vegan for a month.

Watch every Star Trek movie, and live blog them.

Read all of the twilight series and write a blog book report on each.

Karaoke. Dressed as a mormon missionary singing Queen’s I want to be free. And obviously we would need video proof.

Attend a Celine Dion concert.

Shave something into your head. Whoever donates the most picks what.

Create a Google Hangout where anyone who’s donated can participate with you live as you watch “Carrot Top: Rocks Las Vegas.”

I know where I can hit him hard: he must grill and eat tofu.

Wear the Gaga meat dress.

A vegetarian month.

Live blog LSD trip.

Shirtless and dressed in leopard-print pants, you and PZ both lip-synch to “I’m Sexy And I Know It” before a live audience.

See what I mean? They’re just vicious. Think you can top those ideas? Leave them in a comment. If I hit $2000 in funds raised, I’ll pick one of those horrifying things and do it. To donate, click here. And because this is all organized under the Foundation Beyond Belief team, every dollar you contribute will be matched by Todd Stiefel, who organized this fundraiser when the American Cancer Association didn’t want our dirty atheist money. So let’s show them what they’re missing, show the country what atheists can do to help others and show me just how cruel you people can be to your humble blogger.

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  • Alverant

    How about live blogging Expelled?

  • felidae

    Watch Bill O’reilly and Sean Hannity every day for a week

  • doublereed

    I want to see video of you reciting the Cornerstone Speech.


  • blf

    Skydive, or similar (bungee jump, …). Maybe just a ride in the open gondola of an untethered hot air balloon.

    (Ed has previously admitted he is scared of heights…)

  • doublereed

    I’m more interested in fun things, like have you write and recite some sonnets to Farrah and Fischer…

  • Oh goodness, skydiving would be terrifying for me. Even more terrifying than getting a tattoo.

  • dictionarygirl

    I heard you love Gree.

  • Erk12

    This may require more than $2,000:

    Live blog all 173 minutes of “Celine: Through the Eyes of the World”. After which, Ed will compose a poem of not less than 500 words, extolling the magnificence of the performance and his personal affection for Dion that will be read in front of a webcam after he has shaved and dyed a bright pink horseshoe mustache and green mohawk.

  • oranje

    Umm, find something nice to say about David Barton?

    /got nuthin’

  • Jim

    Recite “Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God” in your best Sam The American Eagle voice.

  • dobby

    I donated. But I got nothing to suggest.

  • Alverant

    There’s a free Star Trek MMORPG. Not to endorse a product, but if we’re already suggesting watching the Star Trek movies, how about making a character and going from level 1 to 50 over the course of a week and blogging each mission.

    (I have played the game and found it fun for a while. I recommend the Engineering class because you get to make stuff and at one point in the game you get to send a bunch of baddies into space.)

  • Trebuchet

    Donated, via Greta.

    Is there an amount we can donate to make Comradde Physioproffe write and actual blog post? ‘Cause I’d totally chip in for that!

  • Oooh, how about live blogging while you watch all of Kirk Cameron’s “Left Behind” oeuvre.

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  • erichoug

    yeah, I can tell that I am both bored and a masochist because this is the only one I think would actually be worth the donation:

    “Shirtless and dressed in leopard-print pants, you and PZ both lip-synch to “I’m Sexy And I Know It” before a live audience”

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  • I’m torn….

    I submit my support to both “karaoke as a mormon missionary” and “shirtless leopard-print lip synching with PZ”.

  • Vall

    How about a video of you and P.Z. singing Right Said Fred’s “I’m too Sexy.” You could call it Right Said Ed.

  • Vall

    On a personal note, to an anonymous German marrow donor: Thank you. You’ve saved my father’s life. His marrow is 100% donor now and he is doing fine.

    Also thank you Ed and everyone else for trying to raise money for this cause.

  • sinned34

    Eating tofu while skydiving with Rachel Ray and listening to a recording of Tony Robbins reading David Barton’s latest book.

  • I like the culinary suggestions, but grilled tofu is actually good, so maybe something involving Vegemite.

  • rabbitscribe

    So there’s one liberaltarian in a sea of liberals screaming, “Hurt me, baby!” and no one’s suggested some form of exquisite Ayn Rand-related torture? Relax, relax- we’ll let him have a safe word…

  • adobo

    I would like to donate, unfortunately, it does not allow donation via Paypal which I use to subscribe to this blog. Perhaps Ed, you can ask them to include that payment form.

  • TGAP Dad

    I propose Ed take lessons – as many as he needs – and posts a video of himself… belly dancing.

  • grumpyoldfart

    Just so the option is available to you:

    Carry on as usual with no penalty required.

  • craign

    Maybe take the SNAP challenge for a month with updates on the blog. To ensure no cheating you could donate the remainder of your months income to the cause? Maybe get a few other FTBers to follow suit?

  • pocketnerd

    I vote for an improve comedy sketch with Ed and PZ dressed up as Catholic priests.

    Failing that, a performance of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Pz-Ed would be awesome.

  • leni

    I would never make you live blog Celine. I’d make you watch attentively is silence >:D With a live video feed.

  • leni

    *In* silence. And I’d maybe a have cleverly worded (but consise) clause in the contract about interpreting my typos in the spirit of the intended torture, just to be sure.

  • How about performing karaoke, shirtless and in leopard print pants, to a Celie Dion song while on LSD in front of a live audience with a shaved head. And live blog it.

  • sezme

    Go on the Brian Fisher show live (crash it if you have to) and give him the Brian Fisher award on the air.

    Let Farrah blog here for a week but you cannot reply. Now that would hurt.

  • =8)-DX

    After reading the following for a couple of years:

    After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head.

    I’m surprised no one has thought of:

    Do a new frickin’ stand up comedy show (30 mins to an hour), tape it and put it on YouTube.

    The dazed barely literate commenters here deserve nothing less.

  • =8)-DX

    Also: topics for the stand-up routine courtesy of the commenters here. Leotards are an option.

  • colnago80

    Re Erik @ #12

    How about Brayton live blogging a recorded concert of Justin Bieber?

  • Olav

    Combining a few suggestions: A one hour stand-up show while “dressed” in a leopard print leotard, with a musical number featuring PZ, that should be it.

  • “Help Fight Cancer By Making Ed Suffer”

    Co-blog with ME for a week*.

    * There are some things that even a meth addicted lab rat won’t do!

  • No. I think I have the “worst” suggestion of a forfeit….

    Live Read and MST3K/Rifftrack 50 Shades of Grey….

  • lldayo

    Waterboarded while only wearing a thong bikini and listening to Surfin’ in the USA.

  • savagemutt

    A mix of good and bad for you.

    The good…

    Go to the Duke – UNC game at Cameron!

    And now the bad…

    You have to wear a UNC shirt.

  • On your next TV or radio show appearance alongside Hovind or some other of his ilk, stay quiet, look thoughtful, and *without qualification or any ironic intonation* agree that your opposite number has a very valid point that you hadn’t considered till now. And do not back down from that position until after the show…

  • zero6ix

    Pick any two Glenn Beck videos and re-enact them with a cardboard sign that reads “I am completely sane and well-adjusted” hanging around your neck.

  • twincats

    Colnago80 @33:

    Re Erik @ #12

    How about Brayton live blogging a recorded concert of Justin Bieber?

    I don’t wanna see that!

    However, a video reenactment of Ed making the famously dreaded Sandra Lee Kwanzaa cake would do it for me.

  • imrryr

    I’d like to see Ed write and deliver an impassioned speech detailing why Celine Dion should be the next inductee to the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, all while My Heart Will Go On plays in the background.

  • slavdude

    Okay, Ayn Rand challenge, then, since it was suggested:

    1. Read Atlas Shrugged–every word.

    2. Watch the movies–every second.

    Blog about any deviations in the movie(s) from the book.

  • shay

    I’ve got nothing against Ed. Can’t I help cancer by donating to make someone ELSE suffer? I have a list.

  • Michael Heath

    I would like to see Ed do a substantial blog post on how his position on libertarianism and liberalism has changed over the past several years.

    Another related request would be to instead do the same on any topic where Ed’s position has evolved. Not evolved over the decades, but instead evolved since say, the year 2000.

    For example, I was surprised when Ed recently started referring to himself as an atheist. So perhaps a post on what’s changed over the past several years to move Ed from someone I identified as a freethinker, to someone who self-identifies as an atheist freethinker.

    A third option would be to bring back the weekend blog post on music.

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  • drizzt

    I second =8)-DX, do a 30 min or hour standup, if need be with PZ as a fundie christian:)

    Oh, and do it while using a Beck-style board writing shit on it and using clothes that use all colors of the rainbow.

  • pocketnerd

    Oh, yes. Ed doing a skit in character as Glen Beck would be hilarious.

  • cauliernv

    Live blog LSD trip. Most definitely


  • Doug Little

    Go on a date with Pat?

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