Everyone knows the five major party presidential candidates still in the race. And there’s a decent chance you know who Gary Johnson (Libertarian Party) and Jill Stein (Green Party) are. But I’m afraid you may be overlooking some other very serious candidates for president. How many are there? 1,669 to be exact. And some of the make pretty compelling cases.
For example, you could vote for Dat Phat A$$, who would probably pick Tipa Dis Dick as his running mate. Another possibility is Willita D. Pussy. Or perhaps he would prefer Dis Pussy. I’m not sure I wanna see what Sir Cam Daddy’s agenda is. And I’m afraid Disco Daddy might turn the White House into an inferno. And if you’re of the opinion that all politicians do is screw us, Tyrone Longdick might be a tempting choice. On the other hand, Havesexwith Me seems a little desperate. And maybe it’s just me, but Butt Stuff seems kinda full of shit.
And it’s nice to see an entire family as politically engaged as the Nuts family. You’ve got Deez Nuts, Cee Deez Nuts, Bofa Deez Nuts, Deez W. Nuts and Holdma Nuts. The family that campaigns together stays together, I always say.
If you’re feeling a bit weird, you could try Sir TrippyCup aka Young Trippz aka The GOAT aka The Prophet aka Earl, if you’re not into the whole, ya know, brevity thing. And if you’re into the whole medieval fantasy thing, you could vote for Actual Literal Dragon. President Frederickson Asshat Kazoo does kind of roll of the tongue, doesn’t it?
There are lots of religious figures running. Jesus Christ himself is taking a shot at it. I can’t wait for the debate between him and The Antichrist. That just has to be moderated by Glenn Beck. And if you’re tired of voting for the lesser of two evils, you might cast your vote for Dr. Ourlordandsavior Cthulu (I can’t imagine how he found time to go to medical school with his busy schedule of devouring souls). I suspect Lesale Venomancer Deathbringer is just trying to get a cabinet position as Secretary of Defense. And for all the satanists on your shopping list, there’s always Mrs. Luci Fer. She’s apparently running against her husband, His Royal Majesty Satan, Lord of the Underworld, Prince of Darkness. I doubt that guy will do anything about global warming. But I’m sure Abraham Israel will sacrifice whatever it takes to get the job done.
If you’re looking for a celebrity to vote for, Eric Cartman is apparently running. Heck, even Rocky Balboa is running. I would never have guessed that John Cena is a socialist. Kermit Frog, sadly, has no party. But hey, Forrest Gump is running, at least until he suddenly decides to stop running one day. Dr. Jekyll is running; Mr. Hyde will presumably be his running mate. I doubt Michael Jordan is a serious candidate because he’d have to take a pay cut. And if Taylor Swift loses the election, I’m sure she’ll be able to shake it off.
Beware of Jedi Obi Wan Kenobi’s mind tricks. And just remember when you step into the voting booth that Emperor Palpatine is an enemy of democracy. Jean-luc Picard has serious leadership experience. But I think Kylo Ren is just a bit too young and a bit too unstable to be president. But he’d make an excellent VP pick for Darth Vader because he’d promise to carry on his work. And I have a feeling that Anakin Skywalker’s second term is going to turn dark. On the other hand, Yoda Starwars seems like a decent guy.
And if you want a man with serious experience both politically and militarily, try President Emperor Caesar. Or better yet, His Royal Majesty Caesar St. Augustine de Buonaparte. And there’s always Tyrion Lannister if you’re looking for real ruthlessness in a leader. And apparently Abraham Lincoln is still looking to finish off his second term. Avoid theaters, Mr. Lincoln. Evidently Vladimir Putin is looking for a new country to loot, errr, run. And I bet conservatives are going to flock to the polls to vote for Mr. Ronald Reagan’s Ghost. Or better yet, Super Reagan. But I’m pretty sure both Reagan and George Washington are term limited out by the 22nd Amendment.
Some of the candidates want to appeal to our hunger. Who wouldn’t vote for ‘Murican Cookies? Captain Crunch is a possibility, but do you really want to spend the next four years with the top of your roof all scraped up from eating that stuff? And Jeffrey Dahmer is running, but I think that might hurt attendance at the state dinners at the White House. I’m not sure how well Alexander Soy Sauce and Taters is going to mix. Foot Cheese is also looking for your vote, but he only sounds appetizing after smoking some Dank Ass Kaptain Kush. Doctor Pepper sounds refreshing though.
I have a feeling Joe Canada might run into a birth certificate problem. And Underage Candidate probably won’t qualify to be on the ballot. Those of a more conspiratorial bent could vote for Bushdid 9/11. And there’s always Tronald Dump. You could go for Osama Bin Liftin, who is sadly unaffiliated with a party.
And if you’re just tired of the whole thing, might I suggest casting a ballot for Bye, Felicia?
Perhaps you feel like these people are just wasting their time running, but their odds of winning can’t be any worse than Bobby Jindal’s and Martin O’Malley’s were, right?