I’m Tired

I’m Tired December 23, 2019

My health has taken another turn for the worse. I can no longer stand up or walk. And I have a bone and blood infection that we’re bombarding with strong antibiotics. If that doesn’t knock out the infection, I’ll need another amputation and lose at least half my foot, maybe half my leg. And I’m just tired.

I’m tired of the neverending bad news, both in the world and with my health. Tired of never getting a break from the relentless negativity. Tired of having to keep fighting, keep pushing on because the only alternative is to lay down and die. Tired of expending the energy it takes to keep a positive attitude through it all. Tired of being so utterly dependent on other — nurses, nurses aides and everyone else. Tired of not having a place I can call home because I’m stuck in a rehab facility for likely many months.

Tired of having to type very slowly because my right hand is immobilized in a hard cast. Tired of having to type and retype and correct and hit backspace to try to write relatively well, something I used to be able to do at 100 wpm. Tired of failing at even that no matter how hard I try. Tired of having to hit the button to summon help just to roll over in bed. Tired of being in a facility that won’t let you turn up the heat even when you’re freezing. Tired of the mediocre food, half of which I can’t eat anyway because I’ve had to give up red meat to keep my ammonia levels in check or I end up in the hospital not knowing who I am for a day or two.

Tired of watching my country being systematically taken apart by a narcissistic, megalomaniacal, wannabe tinpot tyrant who revels in his ignorance so proudly. Tired of an entire political party coming under his control because our elected representatives from that party refuse to take a stand despite many of them knowing how bad he is in every possible way. Tired of being ruled by a man who lives in a fantasy world of his own making, who believes that his every utterance magically becomes true because he is infallible. Tired of dreading that he might actually be reelected after all he’s done.

I’m just tired. But I have to keep fighting, both for my life and for my country. The alternative, giving up, is too terrible to contemplate. So I push on through the fatigue and the pain and the frustration of it all. And still incredibly thankful that I have friends and family who love me and do all they can to help me through it. I don’t have time to be tired. Yet I am.

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