The Best (Actual) Headlines of 2005

Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says (Oh, really?)

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers (Now that’s taking things a bit too far!)

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? (Not if I wipe thoroughly)

Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over (what a guy!)

Miners refuse to work after death (no-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos)

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant (see if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War dims hope for peace (I can see where it might have that effect)

If strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last awhile (ya think?)


Cold wave linked to temperatures (who woulda thought)

Enfield (London) couple slain: Police suspect homicide (they may be on to something)

Red tape holds up new bridges (you mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?)

Man struck by lightning: Faces battery charge (He probably is the battery charge!)

Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft (That’s what he gets for eating those beans!)

Local high school dropouts cut in half (Chainsaw massacre all over again)