The Secret Diary Of Sharad Pawar

In the 80’s when I was barely in my 50’s, the iconic Madonna jee sang “Material Girl”. What a song it was, and how hot she was…..wah. The other day I heard someone call me India’s material boy. Oh boy! I had tears of joys in my eyes and my heart swelled with pride. Of course, I am the original material boy even if it is Madonna jee who has been singing it all this while. Wherever there’s money you’ll find me. I may never have held a cricket bat, yet I am the crooked face of cricket. First Mumbai Cricket Board, then BCCI and finally ICC – cash-rich boards here I come.

People love sniggering behind my back. Sharad Pawar is the face of corruption, they say. He has enough personal wealth to run Delhi for five years. What bakwaas, I say. Go ask the Election commission and they will tell you how poor I am, so poor that I can barely buy a flat in amchi Mumbai. I am a crorepati, but there’s nothing official about it.

And do you know how hard this Marathi manoos works? I hold not one but two portfolios – for agriculture and food supply. Under my dynamic leadership we managed a bumper harvest of wheat but forgot to distribute it. Who was to know that the Meteorological Department will be so dreadfully right and actually make a correct prediction about the temperamental monsoons? Alas all of it is rotting in godowns now- grain, grain everywhere but not a morsel to eat. If despite a bumper harvest, the poor are still dying of starvation, is it my fault? The poor have been starving in past and will continue to starve in future. This is how we keep population growth in control. If the grains are rotting, let them rot, I can’t eat all of it can I? And now Supreme Court is ordering me to distribute it for free. Arre baba, somebody please tell the honourable judge, nothing in this world comes for free, not even sympathy!! Taree, from now on I have ordered all my servants to have nothing but rotten grains. Charity, as they say begins from home.

I have to call Manmohan jee again and tell him to reduce my ministerial load. So much workload, that I am losing weight. Missus is so unhappy that she has started adding more sugar to my tea. Aaho, how can you continue to be political heavy weight, if you lose weight? Thank god media doesn’t know how much goad I have. Agreed it was me advising the nation to stay off sugar to avoid diabetes. I asked Manmohan jee, has any other minister in the history of Indian politics given such a perfect recipe to rising sugar prices? The public is becoming far too demanding and loves to crib. If you think the prices are so high, arre then don’t have it. No beating around the bush, buss simple straightforward solution. Only Gulam Nabi Azad got very upset with me. What Pawar jee, since when did you start giving health advisories to the nation, let the health ministry do its own job. Arre, no problems Azad jee, next time you can tell the nation not to worry about rising prices. Too much worry causes heart trouble no?

In the meantime I will ask my P.A to arrange a wine tasting session with the farmers of Vidharba. The poor sods should know it’s not just them dying of poverty. The wineries in Maharashtra are in low spirits as well. Then we’ll all watch Peepli Live together. Later we can have a cricket match. Think I’ll call Lalli over; poor boy has been sulking for too long. Once out of IPL he doesn’t have much to do naa. This should be a good diversion for him. After the match we can a pop a few bottles together and make blank calls to Jagmohan Dalmia…hehehe.

Chala ata, I have wasted enough time. I have to practice my moves on Material girl….

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they’re O.K.
If they don’t give me proper credit
I just walk away

I better get myself a new jazzy shirt-pant. Missus saying I should first practice my moves on Pappu can’t dance salaa… Good idea and Missus is always right.