15 Humorous and Insightful Thanksgiving Quotes

Here is a compilation of some humorous and insightful quotes on Thanksgiving.  (Thanks to my friend Anindita)

“Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for — annually, not oftener — if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Thanksgiving Day became a habit, for the reason that in the course of time, as the years drifted on, it was perceived that the exterminating had ceased to be mutual and was all on the white man’s side, consequently on the Lord’s side; hence it was proper to thank the Lord for it and extend the usual annual compliments”. – Mark Twain

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” – Jon Stewart

“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” – Johnny Carson

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence”. – Erma Bombeck

The funny thing about Thanksgiving, or any huge meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it and then chopping and cooking and braising and blanching.  Then it takes 20 minutes to eat it and everybody sort of sits around in a food coma, and then it takes four hours to clean it up.  ~Ted Allen

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.  – Irv Kupcinet

Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.  – Michael Dresser

Coexistence:  what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving.  ~Mike Connolly

Thanksgiving is possible only for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory.  ~Author Unknown

I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the “history” I was told in second grade.  But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all.  ~Ellen OrleansThanksgiving, man.  Not a good day to be my pants.  ~Kevin James

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” – Phyllis Diller

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.– Kin Hubbard

The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts.  No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.  – H.U. Westermayer

‘I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts”. – Arnold Schwarzenegger