Commieland Jokes

These are some interesting jokes on Communism sent by a friend, Manesh Modi:

The shortest joke of all: communism.

What is the longest joke in the history of the world?
74 years of communism in Russia.

Under the specified theory of historical materialism between Socialism and
Communism the intermediate stage is inevitably-alcoholism.

Brezhnev asked the Pope, ‘Why do people believe in a Catholic paradise, but
refuse to believe in a communist paradise?’
‘Because we don’t show our paradise!’

‘Is communism a science?’
‘No. If it were a science, it would have been tested on dogs first.’

‘It will be even worse!’ cries the pessimist.
‘It can’t get any worse,’ the optimist answers.

In an asylum there was a propagandist highly praising the Soviet Authority.
When he finished everyone applauded except for one man standing off to one
side.
‘And why aren’t you clapping?’ asked the propagandist.
‘I’m not a lunatic, I’m the hospital attendant!’

What nationality were Adam and Eve?
Most certainly Russian! Only Russians can run about barefooted and bare
assed, without a roof over their heads, where there is only one apple for
two and nevertheless cry out that they are in paradise!

When did the first Soviet elections take place?
When God put Eve before Adam and said: ‘Choose yourself a wife!’

The seven miracles of the Soviet Authority:
1. There is no unemployment, yet nobody works.
2. Nobody works, yet the Grand Scheme is carried out.
3. The Grand Scheme is carried out, yet there is nothing to buy.
4. There is nothing to buy, yet there are lineups everywhere.
5. There are lineups everywhere, yet everyone has everything.
6. Everyone has everything yet everyone is dissatisfied.
7. Everyone is dissatisfied, yet everyone votes ‘Yes’.

What is the sixth sense that has been developed within a Soviet citizen?
A feeling of deep satisfaction.

What is economic reform?
An injection into an artificial limb.

On Armenian radio there came a question from abroad: ‘Is it true that in the
USSR the pay does not correspond to the work?
‘Incorrect. It corresponds quite well. They pretend to pay and we pretend to
work.’

What will the harvest be like this year?
Average: worse, than last year, but better than next year.

There was a question on Armenian radio for which there was no answer: If all
countries became socialist, where would we buy grain?

A customer asks at a shop, ‘What’s this, you don’t have any meat again?’
‘That’s not true! There’s no meat in the shop opposite. We don’t have fish.’

A person is walking along the street in one boot.
‘Have you lost a boot?’ a passer-by asks.
‘On the contrary – I’ve found one!’

A man looks in a mirror, ‘One of us is definitely the informer!’

‘Tell me-is this already communism or will it be worse yet?’

Will there be KGB in communism?
No, by then people will have learned to arrest themselves.

What is democratic centralism?
It’s when everyone together says, ‘yes’ and when everyone individually says,
‘nay’.

One East German policeman asks another:
‘What do you think of our regime?’
‘The same as you.’
‘Then it’s my duty to arrest you!’