Beware the Dangerous Heresy of Michael Bird!

Beware the Dangerous Heresy of Michael Bird! April 23, 2014

Joseph M. Holden, the president of something called Veritas Evangelical Seminary (a subsidiary of Norman Geisler industries), has written a post called ICBI Inerrancy is Not for the Birds, in which he draws attention to the cancerous and conniving heretical ravings of a certain Michael Bird.

Apparently this Michael Bird fellow – along with other heresiarchs like Craig Blomberg, Michael Licona, Darrell Bock, and Kevin Vanhoozer – has committed the heinous heresy of advocating genre criticism.  Yes, by asserting that the Bible contains “genres,” this Bird fellow has become himself the devil’s concubine, an incarnation of pure Machiavellian evil, seducing young sterile minds with this filth spewed forth from the bowels of hades and hell. Now the word “genre” is French and we all know that the French are socialists and all socialists are also atheists. So its not wonder that this French fried garlic soaked frog souffle of error called “genre” will necessarily encroach upon the truth of Holy Scripture whenever it is allowed. Oh, my friends, the days are evil, apostasy sallies us from all sides, the kingdom of God is indeed suffering violence, ETS allows in women, Rob Bell is touring with Oprah, the Russians are in the Ukraine, Democrats are in the White house, Fox News ratings are falling, Left Behind sales are plummeting, and poor people are being given government subsidized healthcare! No wonder that the Rapture Index is off the chart! Oh Saint Ronald of Reagan, please intercede for us and petition the Holy Father to send swarms of carnivorous panda bears and battalions of mutant koala bears to devour our enemies.

Note: Do not take this literally, this is a speech-in-character, designed to make light of what is a really, really weird ultra-conservative critique of certain views of inerrancy.


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  • Jesse Jaquez

    Haha! This cracked me up. Especially because I once took a class with Joe Holden on Apologetics at Calvary Chapel Bible College more than a decade ago.

  • Craig Blomberg

    And beware of Ridley in June of this year. At Michael Bird’s invitation, Craig Blomberg is going to teach on parables. It’s terrible–he doesn’t think a single parable necessarily ever happened. And he studies the parables of the rabbis to see how Jesus was similar to and different from them. But according to Geisler and his groupies, you can’t use anything outside the Bible to determine a biblical genre. Hmm, I wonder how you’d ever recognize any genres if you used only the Bible? The trees of the field will clap their hands (isa. 55:12). First person to find someone associated with Veritas who has said that’s not literal gets to write the blog on how that school and Geisler himself have denied inerrancy!

    • Nick Peters

      Let’s also remember 2 Samuel 22

      7 “In my distress I called to the Lord;
      I called out to my God.
      From his temple he heard my voice;
      my cry came to his ears.
      8 The earth trembled and quaked,
      the foundations of the heavens[c] shook;
      they trembled because he was angry.
      9 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
      consuming fire came from his mouth,
      burning coals blazed out of it.
      10 He parted the heavens and came down;
      dark clouds were under his feet.
      11 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
      he soared on the wings of the wind.
      12 He made darkness his canopy around him—
      the dark rain clouds of the sky.
      13 Out of the brightness of his presence
      bolts of lightning blazed forth.
      14 The Lord thundered from heaven;
      the voice of the Most High resounded.
      15 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
      with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
      16 The valleys of the sea were exposed
      and the foundations of the earth laid bare
      at the rebuke of the Lord,
      at the blast of breath from his nostrils.

      Ah yes. Who all doesn’t remember reading that in the life of David when he was in battle and God hitched up Gabriel and went out with his bow and arrow and let the bad guys have it? I don’t remember reading that in the narrative portions, but well, David says it and since we can’t take genre consideration into account, then we have to assume God literally rode on Gabriel and pulled a Green Arrow on David’s enemies.

  • Dr R U Serious

    In Australia, the common name for mutant koalas is “Drop Bears”. They rarely form battalions as they are individualistic creature and have a tendency to devour each other. Never invoke them to attack anyone as no one deserves to die such a cruel and horrible death. Remember the safest way to protect oneself from a drop bear attack is to never set your tent under a tree and to wear vegemite behind your ears.

  • Nate

    I assume the added NOTE on the bottom references the genre? 😉

  • Eilidh

    Seriously, Mike, we all knew this day would come.

  • Eric

    I love the added emphases in Holden’s post. Apparently, it was heretical for you to say, “…we commit ourselves to studying it [Scripture] in light of the context and processes through which God gave it to us.” Come on, Dr. Bird, don’t you know the Bible was handed down to us straight from God through a cloud!?

    • J. Inglis

      Which is why the Biblical authors wrote about the hand of God: they saw it extending through the cloud, holding the scripture and making the hand-off.

  • Charles Twombly

    Now that Geo Ladd (the “bodily resurrection” denier) has passed on and Bob Gundry got turfed out of ETS for saying the “M” word (midrash), we must find new heretics to smash (in Christian love, of course). Oh yes, Mustn’t forget Murray Harris (a Kiwi or and Aussie?), the stealth JW in evangelical clothing. Go, Norm! You’re in the apostolic succession of JW Montgomery, another Mister Valiant-for-the-Truth, and a few other chaps (how many mantles do you have now?) who like to stir things up and remind us they’re great men (basically men, usually). We KNOW they’re great men, ’cause, like Gen. McArthur and J Edgar Hoover, they told us so. Anyway, now’s time for some bird hunting. Use a shot gun so the pellets scatter and hit a few by-standers too.

  • Whilst I certainly don’t agree with Holden’s position in regards to genre criticism. I am uncertain whether this is the best method to respond to it — in such a sardonic way.