Things to Do at ETS/IBR/SBL in San Diego

Okay, time for my annual list of things to do at ETS/IBR/SBL!

Most important of all, remember that this year I will celebrate my 40th birthday at ETS/SBL! I think the best way for everyone to show their affection for me on this significant occasion is either by a gift certificate from Baylor University Press or handing over a bottle of California red wine (but not Rose, I hate Rose like Boehner hates Pelosi). Though books from Brill, Mohr-Siebeck, Walter de Gruyter, Baker, Fortress, Eerdmans, Zondervan, IVP, or Wipf & Stock will do as well.

There’s some great papers at ETS on Wednesday morning including: Jeffrey Ham on “Descendit: Delete or Declare?”; Charles Quarles on “Matthew 27:52-53 as a Scribal Interpolation”; and then Tim Foster on “Johannine Ecclesiology and John 3:5.”

If you see Con Campbell at ETS/SBL, ask him what verbal aspect has to do with a thanksgiving day parade? As he talks, please try to look interested!

Wednesday afternoon at ETS is a review session of my Evangelical Theology with responses from Michael Horton, Kelly Kapic, Marc Cortez, and Amy Peeler, plus my own counter-responses. Will be more fun than that riding a hippo at the San Diego zoo!

At the ETS business session, I say we do a flash mob song and dance number on, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

ETS dinners look great with Doug Moo on the 50th anniversary of the NIV and Tom Schreiner’s presidential address (All hail presidente Tom!).

For those so inclined, the KJV-only society will be holding a prayer meeting in an adjacent room to the NIV celebration and will praying imprecatory prayers against the NIV. Go along and ask they’d like to hear your perform the entire book of Job from The Message with some native American interpretive dance.

At ETS, I will buy a beer for anyone who does the following:
A. Holds up a sign in flashing lights saying, “Mariam Kamell for ETS President” at the front of the book exhibit.
B. Wears a shirt saying, “Jacob Arminius is my Homeboy” and stands up on a Crossway book table and does a chicken dance (actually, that’s worth three beers).
C. Sets up a booth in the book exhibits called “Evangelicals for Barack Obama.”
D. Gives me a flask of whiskey half way through my talk at the Bart Ehrman book review session.
E. Asks Wayne Grudem if he’d like to hear how you came to believe in universal healthcare.

It will be my 40th birthday, so eat some cake with me.

Thursday of ETS has the Stan Grenz session which will be good.

Same day I’m looking forward to Jason Duesing on  “A Roman Catholic Cousin: An Evaluation of Anglican Episcopal Ecclesiology” and so will half of the Ridley faculty who will probably come along and listen since they are all ordained Anglican clergy! Jason, if you’re reading this, before you diss Anglicans, remember what Henry VIII did to all those wives of his. Anglicans don’t take criticism well and we are not adverse to chopping heads off. No threats … just saying!

Remember, if you see Mike Bird, wish him a happy 40th birthday and remember that his love language is “gifts” and by “gifts” he means red wine and Baylor Uni books.

If you meet any of the faculty from Ridley College, please give them a hug and ask them, “How do you cope having Michael Bird as a colleague? How can I pray for you?”

Friday is gonna be big. Miroslav Volf in the morning, but then in the afternoon its a hard choice between the review session on Brian Rosner’s book on Paul and the Law or else the Paul and the Apocalyptic Imagination thing meeting down town (SBL 21-201).

If you go to the apocalyptic imagination session, wear a placard saying “Marco Rubio and Ben Carson are the two witnesses in Revelation. Vote for them in 2016.” It will add to the apocalyptic ambiance of the session.

Go to the Regent Alumni dinner by putting on a fake Canadian accent. Password is, “I was oot and aboot on my boot”

If you meet some bad ass looking Russian dudes asking if you have seen Mike Bird, please point them towards Chris Tilling. A certain editor with Russian connections might have asked some Russian post-grads to break my thumbs because a certain author was two years late submitting a certain manuscript. Chris Tilling will lure them into a hardware store and go all Denzel Washington on them.

On the Friday of SBL, I’m giving a paper at IBR about recent studies on the Imperial Cult in relation to the “Son of God.” Every time I say the word, “Caesar” someone should yell out “Salad.”

Friday, IBR, Evening, Craig Keener, Miracles. Nuff said, be there!

Go to the San Diego Zoo and demand to meet the cast from Madagascar!

BIG ALERT! On the Saturday, I’m speaking at the Extent of Theological Diversity section where we’re reviewing Bart Ehrman’s book How Jesus Became God featuring Bart Ehrman, Larry Hurtado, James McGrath, Craig Evans, and Dale Martin. If you only attend one session, make it this one!

If you see me running out of the above mentioned session chased by the Ehrman fan-club yelling “Crush the religious cretin,” then it means that my attempt to go Colbert on Ehrman did not quite work out well. If you doubt that Ehrman has fans, read Amazon.com comments to my How God became Jesus!

Did I mention that I’m having my 40th birthday?

At the AAR Barth Society, Ben Myers will be singing, “I read Karl Barth and I liked it.” Please go along and support Ben.

Attend the official launch of the Biblica Hipsteria by Mark Driscoll on Saturday 12:30 at the San Diego Zoo conference center. Mark thankfully has a lot more free time these days and was willing to do it in exchange for a happy meal and some food stamps. To sugar coat it, there’s a free armpit hair to face transplant for first 50 men through the gates. And every book also comes with a free pair of skinny jeans and a bottle of almond milk.

Also, don’t forget to attend the Text and Traditions in the Second Century sessions which I’m on the committee for. We have a great line up of papers and topics like Joey Dodson, Stephen Carlson, and Mike Holmes.

Saturday night is a dilemma. But try to make BOTH the Society of Beer Lovers AND the Australian College of Theology Reception. I’ll be at the ACT reception to meet potential Ph.D students.

Sunday night, chicken wing sampler tour of San Diego organized by Timothy Michael Law. Wish I was going!

Monday, review of Richard Hays’s new book. Gotta be there!!

If you see Mike Bird, wish him a happy 40th birthday, and give him a hearty hug … unless you are presenting at the LGBTIQA sessions, in which case, a handshake will do.