The Saint Hilarious Herald: Baptist Pastor Freaks Out On Discovering Real Presence of Jesus at Lord’s Supper

Saint Hilarious Herald: Baptist Pastor Freaks Out on Discovering Real Presence of Jesus at Lord’s Supper

The Rev. Brandon Tyson got more than he bargained for when he led his church in a traditional celebration of the Lord’s Supper only to find Jesus, mystically yet literally, present in the elements.

It was just an average Sunday when forty-two year old Baptist Minister Rev. Brandon Tyson was leading his congregation, Trinity Church, who meet in the San Diego suburb of San Marco, in a routine worship service. Yet what happened next was truly astounding and launched a transformation of the church and its Baptist traditions. Rev. Tyson spoke to Saint Hilarious Heralds’ religion and Gothic sub-culture correspondent Michel Vogel.

“It was just an average Sunday,” Tyson smiled as he sipped on his half de-cafe skinny moccacino with extra sprinkles, “We started the service by reading a Psalm, then we had a couple of hymns, I did some announcements, we took up the offering, I was just about to walk up to the communion table to begin a short devotional to introduce the Lord’s  Supper when I had to stop in my tracks.”

The reason Rev. Tyson had to stop was because he was overcome with feelings of loneliness and worthlessness.

“It had been a really hard week,” he told Vogel, “Perhaps the worst I’ve had in my entire ministry. One of my elders had embezzled funds from a local charity and fled to Mexico, the local council had just given us notice that they were going to apply to seize our property and turn it into a parking lot for a new shopping mall across the street, our power bill had just doubled, someone stole my copy of The Shack, I’d received several complaints from parishioners for not using the ESV Bible, and my wife and I had been arguing about where we were going for Thanksgiving. It was a bad week, I felt battered, broken, bruised, like no-one was there for me.”  It was while in this depressed state that Tyson reports that as he approached the communion table he intensely prayed for the Lord to make his presence known to him. He reports: “You know, I prayed, just quietly, I said, ‘Lord, you know what a crappy week its been, I’m not weary of your work but I’m sure weary in it, so could you, you know, just be with me, real powerfully, show me your love, strengthen me, cause I feel weak and worthless today.’ That was all I prayed and I went up to the communion table and just started my short devotional talk.”

But it was what happened next that left Rev. Tyson astounded, confused, and changed forever.

“And then,” Tyson’s  face lights up with excitement, “I took a sip of the juice and two things were weird. First, it tasted alcoholic, like fortified wine, and second, it tasted real salty, like blood. I just shook it off and thought, must be a different brand of grape juice today. But it got weirder and I mean the city of Austin weird. When I ate a piece of the bread, man, it looked like bread, it smelled like bread, but boy it tasted like some kind of meat, you know, like pork or veal or something. Again, I just thought, maybe my taste buds are going haywire. So I kept going.”

And then comes the crazy part of his story.

“But then, when I lifted up the bread, a choir of angels suddenly appeared around me, some had swords, some had trumpets, and some golden bowls. I could see them like I’m seeing you. I was startled so I immediately stopped. I lowered the bread, and the angels disappeared, they were gone. I raised up the bread again, above my head, and once more all the angels suddenly appeared, shinning like a flood light that was so bright that it hurt my eyes. I lowered the bread again and they disappeared again. As you can understand, this really freaked me out, like finding out your Father is Darth Vader freaked out. For a moment I thought that I was hallucinating and having a psychotic episode or something. So I lifted up the cup, and suddenly I could hear the angels singing, singing like I’ve never heard before, they were singing “Shout to the Lord” in Latin, and it was beautiful. By now I was on the verge of soiling myself, the congregation was just staring at me, like ‘What’s the pastor doing?’ and then I lifted up the bread and the cup together, and this time, I not only saw the angels and heard them, so did everyone else in the congregation.”

Rev. Tyson and his congregation did what any practicing Christian would do if confronted with a genuine miracle of this order. They ran out of the building as fast as they could. Two old ladies were nearly crushed to death in the rush for the door and several babies were left in their prams as their parents scrambled to get away from the angelic choir that had gloriously appeared all around them. They huddled together in the car park terrified about what they had just seen and heard.

“You’ve got to understand,” Rev. Tyson explained, “For a Baptist, this was real scary stuff. We normally believe in the real absence of Jesus at the Lord’s Supper. Wherever Jesus is, he’s nowhere near the bread and the wine. In fact, we prefer if he does not attend our bi-annual celebration of the Lord’s Supper, cause we’re afraid that if he does turn up that we might end up turning Catholic, or worse, Canadian Baptist.”

Eventually Rev. Tyson bravely but cautiously led his congregation back into the building, and, after a quick pep talk, everyone agreed to return inside and the service would continue. “Yeah, so I nervously lifted up the bread and wine again, and yeah, the angels appeared again, this time singing “Go Tell it on the Mountain” in Spanish, I said ‘amen,’I lowered the bread and cup, and then we had a regular communion service. I then preached on the Johannine prologue, we said the grace, and then met for coffee in the hall. That was it.”

Although the same thing did not happen when Rev. Tyson led a communion service the following week, the event has been known as the San Marco Communion miracle. The event has had a lasting and visible impact on the small Baptist church.

“It has caused a revival here,” Rev Tyson smiled, “We now have three services, two adult Sunday schools, a thriving youth group, and a local Catholic church is holding a 24 hrs prayer vigil in our car park waiting for the blessed angels of the non-sacramental non-alcoholic Baptist wine to appear again.”

But even bigger changes have transpired.

Rev. Tyson rubs his thin hands thrown his receding hair as he describes the controversial path that Trinity Baptist Church has embarked on. “We’ve decided that while we’d like to remain Baptist, we would also like to be in communion with a church that recognizes the real presence of Jesus in the Lord’s Supper. Cause for us, real presence is not a doctrine, it was something we experienced, and in your face, drop and give me twenty, stop or my mom will shoot, dead set real experience that we all saw and heard. We pursued some channels and we are now the first Baptist church to be in full communion with the Roman Catholic Church. We just received a letter from Pope Francis authorizing the first Baptist Ordinariate and our church is officially the first church of ‘The Sacred Order of Holy Sacramental Jesus Freaks of the Baptist Rite’ in the USA. We are the first Baptist Catholics in universal church history.” Rev. Tyson is now the Rt. Rev. Tyson and is the first Baptist Catholic bishop of this unique ordinariate who works under the supervision of the Roman Catholic bishop of San Diego.

Rt. Rev. Tyson had this advice for his fellow baptists.

“People, be really careful what you pray for at the Lord’s Supper, because some seriously righteous mysterious stuff can go down, and if you ain’t ready for it, you will be looking for new underwear real fast, real fast.”

NB: The Saint Hilarius Herald is a fictitious and comical news source, much like The Onion and The Babylon Bee, so don’t take it literally or get offended, just trying to have some laughs.

Bishop image from Phillip Martin Clip Art.

Cleric photo from Pixbay.