The Saint Hilarius Herald: Adam Driver Set to Star in “Joel Osteen: The Musical”

The Saint Hilarius Herald

Adam Driver Set to Star in Joel Osteen: The Musical

Broadway is abuzz with news that the theatrical extravaganza Joel Osteen: The Musical is about to open with Star Wars’ Adam Driver in the lead role as Joel Osteen.

Award winning producer Cameron Mackintosh has brought together Andrew Lloyd Weber (Cats, Evita, Phantom of the Opera) and Stephen Sondheim (Sweeney Todd, Into the Woods) to create an epic musical drama about America’s most beloved televangelist. In a coup for the producers, yesterday they confirmed rumors that Adam Driver, who played the villainous yet alluring character Kylo Ren in Star Wars VII, will be starring in the lead role as Joel Osteen.

The 33 year old Adam Driver, who is no stranger to Broadway, was said to be elated with the opportunity to play Joel Osteen on the stage. In an interview with the Saint Hilarius Herald‘s entertainment and science correspondent, Michel Vogel, Driver said, “Playing Osteen is a dream come true. I mean, after being Kylo Ren, playing Joel Osteen is such a natural progression for my career. Kylo Ren and Joel Osteen are both charismatic and intimidating characters. I think Kylo Ren is the Joel Osteen of the Star Wars universe.” When asked if he was nervous about the role, Driver replied, “Yes, of course, who wouldn’t be? For a start I have to go through a daily teeth whitening ritual that takes three hours, plus I have to learn how to pose in the pulpit like a squirrel getting a prostate exam. Joel has some very particular mannerism and face expressions that are really hard to replicate. But I’m up for it, I look forward to the challenge.”

Driver will be singing some show-stopping songs that Weber and Sondheim have collaboratively written, including “Holy Cow, Your Best Life Now!” plus “I Am and So Can You,” and the moving tear-jerker, “It’s Your Time to Tithe like an Angel.” A sample of the complete cast recording has already been released on iTunes, where it broke all download records in 3 hrs, and met with unanimous acclaim. Already critics like the New York Times’ Frank Rich are saying that this show will sweep the Tony Awards.  It seems that the producers already have a hit on their hands, with national and international tours planned, and pre-production of a Spanish version has already begun.

The biggest surprise of the show is the choice of casting for the female lead to play Victoria Osteen. Initially the producers wanted to keep the Star Wars connection going, so they invited Daisy Ridley, who plays Rey in Star Wars VII, to audition for the role. Ridley, however, had never heard of the Osteens, and when they explained to her who the Osteen were and what the show was about, her agent contacted the producers via twitter with the direct words, “Are you out of your %$#@ mind?” Unperturbed by the rejection from Daisy Ridley’s agent, the producers kept looking and were just about to sign comedian Tina Fey to play the part of Victoria Osteen when Cameron Mackintosh had a moment of inspiration.

Mackintosh told Michel Vogel in an interview, “We had Tina Fey locked in, one of the most talented and funniest actresses on the scene, she was down stairs with her agent, ready to sign on to play Victoria Osteen. But then I had what I can only describe as a revelation, as if Joel Osteen was praying for me right there and then, and I thought to myself, no, we need someone else. Tina is great, but I know someone who is even more fit to play the part of Victoria Osteen.” That person was John Travolta.

While the choice of John Travolta to play the part of Victoria Osteen caused many to raise an eyebrow, John Travolta wowed critics with his performance of the female character Edna Turnblad in the hit movie musical Hairspray in 2007. “So,” explained Mackintosh, “It was not all that out of the box to cast Travolta as a woman, Victoria Osteen. We got John in to do a quick audition, and he performed it perfectly, majestically, poetically. I mean, if the real Victoria Osteen was in the room with John while he had his costume on, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between then.”

There is of course one big difference between John Travolta and Victoria Osteen, namely, that Travolta can sing like an Italian Diva. Travolta steals the show with his soprano voice singing, “Do Be a Clod, Do it for Yourself, Not for God” and the dramatic eleven o’clock number, “Clean up this Mess you Stupid Stewardess.” On top of that, Michel Vogel had a sneak peak at the show and he said the chemistry between Driver and Travolta was “positively sizzling, if it were any saucier they’d have to give the show an adults only rating, this is hotter than Texas chilli in summer!”

Will Joel Osteen: The Musical live up to the hype and set new box office records? Time will tell. But Fox Entertainment is already banking on a hit, they’ve purchased the movie rights, and are planning a Christmas Movie for December 2017. Whatever the outcome, there will be white teeth and promises of blessings from on high when Joel Osteen opens on 23 July at the Neil Simon Theater.

NB: The Saint Hilarius Herald is a fictitious and comical news source, much like The Onion and The Babylon Bee, so don’t take it literally or get offended, just trying to have some laughs.

Bishop image from Phillip Martin Clip Art.

Adam Driver image form Wikipedia.