When I taught at Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, some participants were incredulous at the idea that it was possible for everyone to get everything they want. It does sound unbelievable, doesn’t it? And yet I’ve never seen it fail.
The key to everyone getting everything they want is to dream first, solve later. It’s the solutions that create the logjam as each person already has a picture of the outcome (“We have to have a BUDGET.” “We’ll just alternate years about whose family we see for the holidays.” “I must have a GREEN house.” “We should be having sex 3x/day, 3x/week, 3x/year.” ) Then it looks like each person must battle for her or his solution. Or compromise and get half; or just give up.
To make great and successful agreement, try this:
1) Give each person time to wonder about, dream and discover what you REALLY want. This is a question for your body, not your mind; moving, breathing, and being curious can help answer it.
2) As you try sort through and try out you really want, look for qualities. It won’t be a solution, it will be what you get with the solution. For example, instead of “we must have a budget,” it would sound like “I want to feel ongoing flow with money while paying all of our bills in a timely fashion.” Instead of “I want to spend whatever I want to spend without talking to you first,” it would be “I want to feel freedom and flow while I’m conscious about spending money.”3) As you dream together, list all of the qualities, so that everything you both want is on the list.
4) Now is the time to really use your Creative Brains. While noticing whether you are staying Above the Line, toss ideas back and forth about how you can both get everything you want. Start with wild and zany notions just to get those neurons firing; keep playing until you both feel really good about the solution.
The RIDE (Relationships Ignite Dreams and Empowerment) Program begins 9/28/12. For more information, go here.