Have you heard the statistic that nearly 1 in 4 adults in the U.S. are estranged from their parents? That’s a hard thing to think about. It’s even a harder thing to experience.
Estrangement is painful and confusing. Whether it’s misunderstandings, differing values, or past conflicts, many families face this challenge. One of the last times I attended ladies Bible study at a large church, my breakout group of eight women had three of us going through this experience. We were exhausted, disillusioned and hurting deeply.
Understanding Estrangement
Estrangement refers to a breakdown in the relationship between adult children and their parents. This disconnect can stem from various causes. Some common reasons include miscommunication, differing values, or unresolved conflicts. I have seen how these issues can create a rift that feels impossible to mend.
Types of Estrangement
Estrangement can be short term and situation based. Perhaps there has been a rift over a specific issue. This type of estrangement, while painful, can be more of a cooling off period, giving each party a time to ponder and heal.
Permanent estrangement involves a long-lasting separation that may require more time to heal. Each type carries its own emotional weight and challenges.
Emotional Impact on Parents
There is deep grief and loss when estrangement occurs. The absence of a child creates a void that is hard to fill. It left me feeling as if I had lost a part of myself. I mourned not just the relationship but also the dreams I had for my family.
Mental Health Effects
Many parents experience anxiety and depression due to the situation. The experience drove me to therapy, where I learned some much needed lessons about boundaries and self-case.
Finding Serenity
In my own experience, I’ve often turned to the Serenity Prayer, which asks for “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” After enduring years of struggle and heartache, I’ve realized that if achieving serenity were as simple as crying, arguing, or venting, many hurting mothers would have found it long ago.
True serenity comes from accepting what we cannot alter and discerning what is within our control. It’s about finding peace and joy even when faced with outcomes we never desired or expected.
It Begins with You
For many mothers facing challenges with their children, the difficulty in accepting their circumstances can be a significant barrier. We often want to resist, fight, and explore every possible avenue to change our situation. Yet, sometimes our pain becomes a prison because we refuse to accept it. By embracing our pain, we can move toward acceptance.
Not every issue has a solution. What we can manage is our response to these challenges—whether we choose to accept them or continue to resist. Battling against them only leads to frustration without altering the reality, leaving us more exhausted.
Letting Go of the Fight
Your suffering won’t change your child. Often, they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they may not even notice your distress. This presents a choice: continue in futility or seek freedom.
You can pour your energy and tears into a seemingly hopeless situation (like reconciling with your adult child), or you can let go of the painful bonds that keep you in misery and choose freedom instead.
This Isn’t About Giving Up
Letting go doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your child. It’s about recognizing that your suffering won’t alter the situation. Ceasing the relentless struggle can conserve your energy and grief, allowing you to focus on what you can change.
The real change lies in deciding whether to spend your life in sorrow or to embrace joy and freedom. This requires some creativity—acknowledging the chaos around you but refusing to let it take over your life.
Next time you find yourself overwhelmed by the heartache of estrangement, consider if this situation is within your power to change. If it isn’t, try accepting it and moving forward.
Paddling upstream against a fierce current is exhausting and counterproductive. Instead, flow with the river and accept your circumstances. This doesn’t mean you’ve lost hope; it means you’re relinquishing control over an outcome that isn’t yours to dictate.
Choosing freedom over futility can not only ease your life but also make it much more fulfilling. You deserve to leave pain behind and pursue joy and contentment.
What About Your Adult Child?
Your adult children are navigating their own journeys, and their stories, like yours, are still unfolding. We can’t predict how either narrative will end.
We can strive for connection. I’ve told my daughter that I will always be her mom and will occasionally reach out to let her know I love her. Sometimes she brushes me off; other times, she welcomes my outreach.
I am not without hope.
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