How Do I Survive the Disappointments and Hurts?

I’ve had some significant conversations lately. After 50 years, I’m no longer pastoring. So now, it seems people are more comfortable asking me questions. Here’s one I get a lot.  “How do I survive the disappointments and hurts inflicted by professing Christians and church members?” It makes me very sad.

My wife and I crisscrossed America in full-time evangelism for seven years. We then walked (literally) from California to Washington, D.C. We talked with dozens of people whose most significant complaint with Jesus was His people. Our daughter used to have a friend who said, “I don’t have a problem with God; it’s His fan club I can’t stand.” Now, before you stop reading, let me clarify some things. I understand that people are messy, imperfect, and flawed. I join Paul in admitting to being “chief among sinners.” We all fail, and we all come short. But I’m not talking about our inconsistencies and daily struggles with our human nature.

Mean People

I am referring to the apparent acceptance of mean-spirited, hateful, spiteful, and malicious behavior within the church directed toward not only outsiders and those who don’t fit in but, at times, even aimed at each other. This shameful behavior isn’t new. The Apostle Paul admonished the early churches for mistreating each other, and the Apostle John repeatedly drives home the point that if there is no love for fellow man, then there is no love of God.

I teach Church History at the university level. I am often embarrassed as I teach the bloody history of what is supposed to be an institution known for its love. The act of killing, excommunicating, arresting, and even torturing those who interpret the Scriptures differently is an indelible stain on the bride of Christ. I am at a loss for words. I wonder: “How do we survive the disappointments and hurts caused by the church itself?

Unfortunately, many present-day congregations are also battlefields plagued with skirmishes to determine those who will wield power over others and often over pastoral leadership. Perhaps the saddest is that some are not satisfied to inflict pain but continue to strike blow after blow until the wounds become emotionally and spiritually fatal. One of my pastors used to say, “God’s army is the only one which shoots its wounded.” Being intentionally harmed by a fellow believer is brutal. Recovering from emotional woundedness is difficult.

I survived, but I’m the exception

At this point in my life, I have moved from active duty behind the pulpit to the reserves (teaching and writing). I am happy to have survived many frays and feel privileged to have escaped with my life and marriage intact. If you think I exaggerate the problem, please look at these statistics. Over 1500 pastors leave the pastorate every month (pastoralcareinc.com), and according to a 2021 Barna survey, over 38% of pastors want to quit. The Urban Ministry Institute says that 50% of pastors’ marriages end in divorce and 70% battle depression. So even though I am grateful not to be one of the statistics, I cannot in good conscience let the spiritual state of many churches go without commentary.

Tragically, the most significant price of the constant infighting within the four walls of the Church is not the clergy. For every pastor who succumbs to battle fatigue, scores of parishioners and their families flee the fusses and fights, going AWOL, never to be heard from again. Although the statistics on this phenomenon are hard to pinpoint, the percentage of unchurched and never-churched continues to rise at an unprecedented rate. The percentage of Americans who consider themselves “nones” regarding religious preference has grown to nearly one-third of the country’s population.

Of course, there are lots of reasons for this trend. Many factors have combined to create a perfect storm against the Church of God. Although this will never negate Jesus’ promise of a prevailing Church, it does leave her battered, black-eyed, and gasping for breath. So, what do we do about this state of affairs? How do we survive the disappointments and hurts?

Admit we have a problem

The first step is to stop pretending the problem doesn’t exist. We have been dishonest with ourselves long enough. We have excused, allowed, and, in some instances, encouraged behavior that is not only un-Christlike but occasionally just plain hateful. Finding a solution to a problem always begins with the admission that there is a problem, and we do have a problem. This common and “normal” loveless “Churchianity” has become so widespread that its presence alarms no one.

Pulpits of Love

Secondly, we must make our pulpits places of reconciliation. Bully pulpiteers that spin Scripture to reflect their point of view drive wedges between church members. Even when the church unites, it often constructs that unity upon a foundation of hatred, condemning those outside the building. Most polls in the last few decades indicate that the unchurched perceive the Church as a hateful and bigoted institution. So much for the world to know us by our love.

Who Jesus Really Is

Lastly, the Church must preach about, pray for, and practice the loving nature of Jesus. There are certainly “hard sayings” of Jesus and dire consequences for rejecting the gospel. The Bible is certainly not all “sugar and spice. We must, however, seek the proper balance between being faithful to God’s Word and representing Christ well. It’s easy to get bogged down on one side or the other. Churches making the most significant impact for the Kingdom of God are the ones learning to follow the example of Jesus’ ministry.

I’ve often wondered if it’s too late. Has this negative cycle trapped the Church for too long to break free? Never! It begins with me. It starts with you. Commit today to be Jesus to your world, family, and church. Stay strong in your faith. Be steadfast in your devotion and adherence to the Word. Most of all, be submitted to the exemplary life of Jesus.