Changemakers love to give. They give of their money, their time, and of their other resources. We take Jesus seriously when he tells us we are blessed when we give. But sometimes we forget that receiving is just as important of a blessing for us, too.
The day was San Diego bright and cheerful as I pulled into a local coffee shop for a couple hours to work. To my surprise, the shop had expanded greatly since I had last visited it a few years earlier. It was crowded, too.
As I waited to order my coffee, I noticed a board covered in sticky-notes. Each one represented a drink or food item someone else already paid for. There were no rules. It simply stated that those who were having a hard time could just take one of these little notes off the board to use, no questions asked. It was a little less “pay it forward” and more of a discreet act of kindness.
Receiving Blessings
I loved the concept. But I was curious…how many of these gifted items were actually used? Based on my experience, It seemed more likely that this board filled up without any takers. After all, some of the sticky-notes looked rather dusty.
Although many of us receive goodness if it is forced upon us, one thing I’ve learned on each Kindness Quest and over my years of charity work is that many Americans have a very difficult time receiving. At least, they do in neighborhoods that cater to customers who spend over six bucks on a latte.
When You Are Forced to Receive Blessings
I have a lot of experience being the one who receives. I was not one who initially did so willingly.
One of my first real experiences in receiving was during postpartum with my first kid. Even then, that at least felt acceptable and had an end date. By the time my first child was four months only, I already expected myself to be a giver and not a receiver any longer. I remember showing up to a potluck anxious and apologetic without a dish, and with a fussy baby in-tow. My generous friends forcefully informed me I needed to rest a little more and that there was a lot of grace I wasn’t receiving, especially considering they weren’t putting expectations on me.
When I moved across the country I had to receive. It was a whirlwind move–six weeks. I also had three little kids, my van died, my house was having parts of it remodeled, and I threw my back out. This set me up for a season of receiving–and not willingly. Friends came around and made us meals, painted walls, and watched my children. They packed us up, cursing us for leaving, while blessing us on our way. What a gift.
I also realized I was burnt out from doing good. All my nonprofit work, ministry, and coalitions I had been part of without boundaries had sucked the life out of me. After a lot of urging from people who cared about me–and thankfully a new environment–I ended up taking an intentional sabbath for a year. I wasn’t receiving from people, but God. I simply needed to accept love and every spiritual blessing without doing anything on my mission for God. And that was very hard for me.
But these stories were just the beginning.
Over the course of the last five years I’ve been in the hospital twenty times. Most of these happened within the same year. I became deathly ill with lupus nephritis during my last pregnancy and it was life-altering. My family and I were utterly dependent on others’ help. We largely lived off of our community’s gifts of meals and gift cards to us. People would come over to clean. I couldn’t drive, walk, take care of my kids, or even pull up my pants without help.
You see, I didn’t really think I had a problem receiving until I had no choice but to receive. It was one thing if someone blessed me with receiving a small undeserved gift, but to be utterly dependent on others was a totally humbling experience. In fact, it was easier to feel shame than gratitude. It took a long time to change that, and although I much better at receiving now, sometimes it is still a struggle.
Where Givers Got it Wrong
For those of us who love to give–whether to charities, nonprofits, in ministry, or through advocacy, caregiving, or activism–we build extensive experience on only one side of the equation. We’ve read verses like these and made them our practice:
“You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35b NLT
“The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped.” Proverbs 11:25 MSG
And although these verses speak true, it is also true that we are blessed when we receive. We miss something valuable when we don’t know how to see ourselves as worthy of goodness, love, kindness, and other blessings. In fact, generosity can only come from the increase that we have in the first place!
“And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others. As the Scriptures say, “They share freely and give generously to the poor. Their good deeds will be remembered forever.” For God is the one who provides seed for the farmer and then bread to eat. In the same way, he will provide and increase your resources and then produce a great harvest of generosity in you.” 2 Corinthians 9:8-10 NLT
The Curse of Self-Sufficiency
One of the challenges of those of us who are givers I’ve already mentioned: we can’t give out of an empty cup. If we can’t receive from God, we eventually come up empty. If we can’t recenter our identity in God’s love, accept his grace, rest, be filled with hope, etc… we eventually burn out. Givers must receive to keep giving.
One of the major problems with seeing myself as a giver and not a receiver was that although my privilege was doled out in charity, it was hard to see myself as equals as those I was giving too. This wasn’t because I wanted it to be this way–I just had very little experience receiving. One of the negative effects of being self-sufficient is that it is hard to see yourself as someone in need. And as a result, there is little to no experience with feeling undeserving of something.
Without even meaning too, I lived under a world where I was earning my blessings without even knowing I subconsciously thought it was earned. At least, not until I couldn’t earn my place anymore.
Undeserved Blessings
However, if we can be givers who lean into the undeserved blessings that come from God, and find gratitude in our privilege–we become doubly-blessed! We become receiver-givers. Just reading the following verses reaffirms for me how much I now love to intentionally receive:
“And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19 NLT
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.” Ephesians 1:3-4 NLT
Fostering a Culture Where One Feels Safe To Receive
Remember the coffee shop? When I got up to the counter I asked the barista if she saw people using the sticky-notes from the board. To my surprise, she told me people did. I immediately began wondering what was unique about this location that helped people to be willing to receive.
That was when she stated, “we try to make a shame-free culture in their space.”
I have to say, this coffee shop was probably one of the most hopping coffee shops I’ve been to in San Diego. And a lot of people at the counter were, in fact, smiling and laughing. Maybe they really were creating a shame-free space. Maybe you don’t have to have deep relationships with everyone to foster an environment where kindness abounds and people feel free of shame.
On those days when I am really anxious and the budget is tight, could I take a sticky note, too? Or maybe the question is, would I take a sticky-note?
The Woman Who Got Free Coffee
Twenty minutes later, I watched as a woman noticed the board while waiting in line. She stared for just a minute before going up to it and taking off a sticky-note. She handed it to the barista. No one made any fanfare. No one asked her to prove she “was in need.” And just like that she got a free drink.
Someone received.
Is it weird to say I felt proud of her?
What I do know is that l will definitely be getting a coffee to put on the sticky-note board the next time I’m there to share! Or who knows. Maybe I will be the one receiving a much needed cup of free coffee that day. Either will be a blessing.
Blessed are those who give; blessed are those who receive.
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