Unique Christmas Gift: become a post-rapture pet caretaker for a loved one.

Unique Christmas Gift: become a post-rapture pet caretaker for a loved one. December 4, 2013

Well friends, it’s the Christmas season again and time to start thinking about ways we might generously give to others. Not being a fan of American consumerism, I’m all for finding ways we can serve other people instead of wasting our money on needless junk that’s just going to end up sold for 10 cents at a yard sale one day.

So, here’s the perfect opportunity for you to give back: register to become a post-rapture pet caretaker.

Seriously, have you wondered about the fallout if we’re wrong about rejecting the doctrine of the rapture?

The potential fallout is huge: we will likely be left behind for a hellish period of 7 years (even though 7 years isn’t in the Bible either, if I’m wrong on the rapture everything else is fair game). During that time, if we want show God and our neighbors that we’re really sorry for listening to legitimate scholars like NT Wright instead of fundies with honorary doctorates, we should probably get busy loving our neighbors (and resisting the mark of the beast) for the FULL seven years (seriously, we need to work every minute of those seven years). One of the best ways we could love our raptured neighbors would be to take care of their pets while they are gone for the tribulation. When they return to the earth for what would be the 3rd coming of Christ, to kick of the millennium (another doctrine I will clearly have erred on), we’ll be able to present them a peace offering: their well cared for pets, instead of a world overrun by feral cats (which would be, hell).

 (Seriously– who is going to take care of the pets? Pets always seem to get left out of eschatological discussions.)

I say, this Christmas we can reject consumerism, get in the Christmas spirit, give generously, and have a backup plan for the apocalypse all at the same time.

The thoughtful folks over at After The Rapture Pet Care have kindly been compiling a list of post-rapture volunteers for the last few years. In the event that we are totally wrong on our eschatology, we’ll be called up for service to retrieve pets from the homes of our fundamentalist friends and care for them until the battle of Armageddon. It seems only fair to both our neighbors, and all the pets of the world. Sure, it might take us a few years to clean up from the plane crashes, car wrecks, and horrid earthquakes, but when all is said and done, what about the cats? That’s where volunteering for After The Rapture Pet Care could help (a) care for God’s creation (b) build community with others and (c) keep us productive for the last 4 years of the tribulation.

(They say they’re building a network of non-Christian volunteers, but presumably we Christians who reject the doctrine of the rapture would be left behind as well, if for no other reason than just to give us a good scare.)

So, this year instead of giving your rapture believing family and friends an ugly tie or one of those bible covers with handles, why not give them a gift that will benefit them even when they are gone for the tribulation? Just sign up to become a post-rapture pet caregiver on behalf of family and friends in your area! In your family or friend’s Christmas card this year simply indicate that instead of a typical gift, this year you’re giving a gift that will keep on giving for seven full, hellish years: the gift of caring for their pet during the tribulation.

If you’re sending your card electronically, you could also include this promotional video:

Think creatively this holiday season– don’t just give a gift that will last a few months, or become obsolete in a few years, give the gift of peace of mind that their pets are safe— one that will last seven long years of tribulation (until God destroys the earth with fire).

Be sure to sign up today at this link!

Merry Christmas, everyone– even pets.



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  • Terry Firma

    Assuming you understand, as I think you do, that that site is satire, this is at least the third post you’ve written that I could have published verbatim where I blog. I’m beginning to suspect you’re a mole, paid by American Atheists. In that case, welcome to the club, my friend!

  • I think you’re on to something.

  • Just Sayin’

    For pets within an eschatological discussion, see the excellent book The Groaning of Creation by Christopher Southgate.

  • CroneEver

    Let’s also volunteer to take care of their cars while they’re gone!

  • How to pull off an epic high school prank – Lutheran high school version:

    1. Take an advanced Latin course taught by a pastor.

    2. Make sure said pastor also teaches Churh History, with a special unit on pre-millennialism. Bonus if he shows you clips of Left Behind in class.

    3. Wait for him to leave the classroom on an errand.

    4. Strip down to only what is necessary to preserve modesty.

    5. Leave all clothes arranged as if you had been spontaneously taken to heaven.

    6. Leave campus for the rest of the day.

    7. Accept double detentions with grace and good humour.

    8. Remember forever the moment when seven men to,d one woman ‘Take off your clothes. We’re going to play a Rapture joke on Pastor S. – and she was totally down with it.

  • Cindy Harthorne

    Hey, if I’m going up, the cat comes too! :)

  • twinkie1cat

    I think our animals will go with us in the rapture. Why would God want us to be unhappy in heaven and worried about the children? Meanwhile, I have about 7 (with the two babies who appeared at my back door last week) plus about 5 more who look at me with their beautiful gold eyes and perfect triangular faces and say “Feeeeed me but don’t peeettttt me”. So I will need a post rapture caregiver if they don’t go when I do. Yes, I believe in the endtimes and the rapture, but I am neither a conservative nor a fundie.

  • James M

    “(Seriously– who is going to take care of the pets? Pets always seem to get left out of eschatological discussions.)”

    ## If in some sense they are members of their pets (AKA owners), they can be raptured when their pets are raptured. So when Obama is raptured (hehe), his pets will be raptured.

    I’d be more worried about teddy bears, dolls, muppets, plushies of Cthulhu, etc. What will become of them ?