I attended a training on “conflict management” this past week. I can’t say that I learned completely new strategies that I’d never heard of before, but I did get something of a kick in the gut. At first, the presenter began talking about “passive-aggressive” behaviors, so I started to lose interest. I felt I had a strong understanding of the concept and could think of numerous examples I’ve witnessed, many of which had royally ticked me off.
The audience for this presentation was people in various forms of “ministry” throughout the archdiocese. The presenter discussed the usual P-A suspects: procrastination, hostile jokes, stubbornness, resentment, and the deliberate and repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is responsible. Like I said, I knew the drill.
But What About You?
But the speaker lingered on the topic longer than I expected which made me wonder why. My attention returned when she asked the crowd, “What about you? Sure, you hate these behaviors in others. But do you do them yourselves?”
This Sunday’s gospel reading hit me in a way it never has before. In it, Jesus hears his disciples arguing and asks them why. They stay quiet, probably embarrassed, not wanting to fess up. But Jesus knew the score. “They had been discussing among themselves . . . who was the greatest” (Mark 9: 34).
Every time I’ve heard this reading, I’ve thought, “What a bunch of knuckleheads! Why on earth would Jesus call such petulant, childish simpletons to be his followers? Arguing over who’s the greatest? C’mon, really?”
But the combination of Tuesday’s training and Sunday’s gospel reading has prompted me to think very differently about both. Perhaps the disciples’ direct, full-on arguments about who ranks the highest has been replaced by its ugly stepsister, today’s form of passive-aggressive jockeying for position. And maybe the more sly, ambiguous approach we use today is far more dangerous.
A Kick in the Gut
I’ve spent time lingering on the presenter’s question, “What about you?” And I have come to realize that I’m also a petulant, childish simpleton who gets her nose out of joint when she perceives that her contribution hasn’t been valued as she believes it should have been.
Honestly, I want to weep at how pathetic that sounds. But there it is.
I have a few take-aways from this week’s experience, and to be honest, they don’t feel so good.
- Who am I to judge the craven egoism of the disciples in this week’s gospel?
- Just because I don’t overtly argue over my “place” doesn’t mean that my sunshine-y yet backhanded way of expressing my disapproval is any better.
- It’s okay to get upset. But it’s not okay to disguise it into something that confuses rather than clarifies.
Sometimes the gospel calls us to see things we’d rather not. But then, seeing clearly is what faith is all about.
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