The Essential Tremor

I suffer from a neurological condition called “essential tremor.” A lay member of my congregation asked me a question following Sunday worship. “Why do you shake?” It was Palm Sunday. My tremor was noticeable when I held up a palm leaf. The church finance chair was counting the morning offering in the other room. She responded in a way that said she had seen it too.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “It seems to run in the family. As a kid I used to wonder how my grandfather could read his newspaper. He shook a lot.”

But I was not sure. The shaking could have been from the heavy drinking I was doing at the time. After going through alcohol recovery treatment, I realized it wasn’t. The shaking remained even though it was not as pronounced. I tried quitting caffeine to see if that would help. It did no good. A person who attends my AA homegroup thought I was in withdrawal. She later realized, I just shake.

 How I Found Out

I see a psychiatrist for chronic depression. I decided to ask her if there was a reason for my shaking. She asked if I had been diagnosed with “essential tremor.” It was a condition I never heard of before.

She asked if my family showed the same shaking. “Yes,” I replied. “Talk to your regular doctor about it.” She said.

I did. He informed me that was indeed the condition I have. There are medications to help it. But, “the side effects sometimes outweigh the benefits.”

My father recently was tested for Parkinson’s disease. He does not have it. I take that to mean I won’t either.

What It’s Like

I shake all of the time. I suspect I do so in my sleep. The tremor is worse in the evenings. I understand it will only get worse. Sometimes I have to use both hands to drink from a glass. My hands shake so much that last Christmas Eve I could not hold the communion chalice or a lit candle steady. As I said, mornings are easier for the shaking.

I won’t be able to eat soup very easily in the future. I already spill soup like a schlemiel. There are some stains on my favorite T-shirts. And I have an associated weakness with trying to open jars. Other people, many of whom are younger than me, have worse symptoms. They have trouble tying their shoes.

When our grandmother was in the hospital, it fell to my cousin and me to spoon feed her. He tried. “You are going to have to do this my hands shake too much.” He said. “Mine do too,” I replied. I tried feeding her as best I could. My cousin may have to retire early because of his shaking.

Having Patience

If the shaking is real bad, I try deep breathing to hold still. Sometimes it works. But most often, I am frustrated by it. It is hard to use hand tools unless I can do something to brace my hands. I prefer using nails to using screws. There is no pain associated with the condition. But I suffer from arthritis too. Practicing patience with myself is a necessary mindset.

Typing on a keyboard is some times tough. But I like to express myself through writing. My handwriting has always been bad. Now it is atrocious. Typing is the way to go for now.

An Interesting History

I suspect that this condition is involved in one bit a Biblical interpretation. Some commentators believed tremors were “the mark of Cain.” Cain declares to the Lord, “My punishment is too great to bear…I shall be a vagabond and wanderer on the earth.” (Genesis 4:13-14). The words “vagabond and wanderer” gave some ancient and early medieval the impression that Cain always shook. The words, in translation, are related to the word for “quaking.” So, to them I would be exhibiting the “mark” of the outcast.

Since shaking is a symptom of withdrawal, I try to make it clear that I have not broken my sobriety. It is a minor frustration. I have the fear that like the medieval interpreters that my shaking is going to be interpreted as something wrong with me “morally.”

Recent Events

I learned yesterday that someone else suspected I was in withdrawal. It is likely others will think so too. A nurse said something about it several months ago. People can’t help making assumptions. But we can help judging or condemning.

I am glad that more research and information is available. Presently, I am listening to an audiobook titled Essential Tremor: The Hand I Was Dealt. I find the subtitle endearing. There are many of my fellow sufferers in worse shape than me. I certainly empathize. I wish all of us well.