If Atheists Took Over Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and Temples

If Atheists Took Over Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and Temples October 25, 2018

I think it’s pretty obvious the end of religion is approaching. The backlash we get for having the nerve to be open and loud about not believing is kind of like the deagth throes. The louder they get, the more trouble we know they’re in. The backwards, superstitious beliefs are nothing more than a muddy arm desperately grabbing from a thick, sludgy pit of quicksand… and it’s about to go under.

The thing is, if religion does become obsolete, we’ll be left with a world covered in a pox of sacred buildings, having lost their original use. What would we do with all these newly freed up buildings? Well, kids, I have a few ideas.

Brewski in the Pewski
A fine craft ale made lovingly in St. Andrew’s rectory.

1. Breweries. The average church is big enough to house a brewery and just think of the clever names we could come up with for the beer. Altar Ale, Sacristy Suds, Brown Bottle Baptism, The Stubby Bishop, Amber Prayer, Brewski in the Pewski, Devout Stout, The Immaculate Malt, Big Pop’s Hops, Holy Water… I could go on forever. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

2. Science labs for kids – Take your community church, throw in some safety precautions and a bunch of science equipment and turn it into a sort of boys and girls club for kids who love to learn. They can drop in, just like a YMCA or a community centre and engage with leaders in a lab, outside with telescopes, or in a garden. There could be a computer lab as well as a small library and volunteers willing to help kids with homework. It could be by donation, just like the Boys and Girls Clubs.

3. Marijuana Dispensaries – Churches and temples and the like are usually big enough to house a grow op. Package that stuff up, sell it to the heathens and watch them descend into an experience not unlike talking to God. It’s so similar to what churches already do, so why not?

4. Homeless Shelters – I bet we could find a place for every homeless man and woman in North America to sleep if we opened all the church doors to them overnight. Just think of it, an estimated 37 million churches all over the world, closed and sitting empty every night while men and women sleep under newspapers on park benches through brutal winters. Let ’em in, give ’em a blanket and forget there was ever such a thing as Biblical morality.

5. Planned Parenthood Locations – Nothing would make God vacate the premises faster than bucket of free condoms and a stack of pre-written scripts for the Plan B pill.

6. Bars – Rip out the pews, replace them with freakishly high tables and stools you need a boost to get onto (I would, at least) and sell drinks called The Bloody Virgin Mary, The Deacon’s Daiquiri and Sex in the Pew.

7. Tourist attractions – So many religious buildings are tourist attractions already, and I see no reason to change that. They are stunning works of art and should be kept in good condition so future generations can see what humanity is capable of.

8. Community Centers – Church has always been a good source of community. Keeping that tradition alive with secular services in these locations would be beneficial for those who need a sense of community.

9. Museums – When and if religion becomes obsolete, we will still need to remember the way we once were. Reopening churches as museums commemorating the superstitions we used to subscribe to would be endlessly eye-opening for future generations.

10. Wedding Halls – For old time’s sake, have your wedding in a church! We don’t care who you marry, as long as you pay the bill!

11. Community Theatre – A church would be an excellent place to promote the arts, teach children to act, dance, sing and play instruments and to provide the community with entertainment. I’ll look forward to the first production of the Birdcage at the Baptist Church down the street.

12. Strip Bar – Hire some gorgeous men and women to hop up on that altar and dry hump the cross like they’re Madonna on Drake’s lap. “Next up! Jigglin’ Jonah and his Whale’s Tail! After that, we have the ribtacular Eve and her apples! Watch out for that snake, Eve! ”

13. Gym – Your body is a temple after all.

14. AirBnB – Replace the altar with bunks and the holy font with a hot plate and you’ve got yourself a great place to stay!

15. Indoor Playground – As a Canadian, I can deeply appreciate indoor options for our kiddos, especially in winter. Here’s a church that’s been converted to an indoor trampoline park in the Netherlands:

Image by Den Haag – Scheveningen. Some rights reserved. View license.

Any of these uses would be better than worship. What would you use a church for? Let me know in the comments!

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Fred Tully

    Many of the church buildings around here are old and in of repair/major upgrades/replacement. In the rural areas, the church yards often served as cemeteries for the poor, so there are frequently documented graves on old church properties. In addition, adjacent to Catholic cemeteries, there are frequently graves outside of the property, as the Catholics frequently buried the unholy in “unconsecrated ground”.

    Many of the old rural churches in Alberta have been abandoned, along with the burred. Oh well, what do we expect from the Catholic and Anglican churches, and what can they do?

  • Matt Brooker (Syncretocrat)

    Here in the UK we’ve already got a supply of deconsecrated churches being re-purposed, though sadly most of them just become bars, restaurants or clubs, rather than the imaginative options you suggest…

  • Jim Jones

    Skate board area.

    (Very kinky) SM club.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    My name of choice for converted chapel microbrewery and pub: The Bread of Life.

  • Martin Penwald
  • Sophotroph

    That’s just cray cray!

  • Chad

    Several around Cincinnati have been turned into Breweries.
    The Founder/President of my group wants to buy a church for use to use for meetings and other things.

  • GaryLayng

    Toronto has at least a couple of religious-themed pubs: The Bishop and Belcher, and right across from St. Patrick’s Catholic Church, the devilishly good Sin and Redemption. By the way, the first name of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the St. Pats, comes from this same Catholic church.

    Neither of them are actually IN a church, though.

  • Erick Girouard

    Bar, named Altared State.

  • Flint8ball

    Old churches make awesome music venues. Bars and breweries are a slam dunk fit as well. The architecture is typically cool and the vibe outstanding. Some of my favorite nightlife spots are old churches. I used to be in a band and the coolest spot we played was an old church. So in my mind, a kick ass brewpub with a nice stage setup is the perfect re-use.

  • Bob Pattinson

    Churches of historical and/or cultural value should be preserved. The Parthenon in Athens – one of the most recognisable and visited buildings in the world – was intact until the 17th Century. Imagine how popular it would be if it had survived as it had been built in the Sixth Century BC..

  • pasapdub@gmail.com

    When the Russian Commies took over religion, they turned many of those magnificent buildings into ”museums” to illustrate the ”evils” of religion. I think we should use ours as museums of child abuse, rape, genocide and other fine Christian deeds. If you ever visit the Cathedral of Los Angeles (known to we locals as “The Taj Mahoney” (for the Cardinal who built it with millions of dollars donated by the faithful..NOT THE VATICAN, mind you), be sure to visit the miniscule chapel which honors ”children who have suffered.” Now…does it specify WHO created that suffering? Why….HELL, NO!

  • wakwak36

    How about a brothel? The church has been fucking everybody for centuries.

  • Sonyaj

    Great suggestions! I have a few more: 1) a library (with obligatory coffee shop/bakery); 2) a makerspace = https://www.makerspaces.com/what-is-a-makerspace/ ; 3) convert to multi-room studio-type commercial spaces, like where you’d find a yoga studio or artist studios. There is an old elementary school that has been converted to that very thing where I live, and it is an amazing resource for both small business owners and the public. There is a coffee shop/cafe on the ground floor, with lots of cushy seating, and it’s where my knitting group meets on Saturday mornings; 4) a Senior Center – every community needs one of these!

    Where I live, we have a shit-ton of bars and breweries (several microbreweries and Ska, which is now a regional craft brewery), so we don’t need any more of those. Actually, we have a lot of coffee shops, but But, damn, I would LOVE to be able to go somewhere and use a lathe, drill press, or other types of equipment that I don’t have access to/couldn’t afford anyway/don’t know how to use.

    Basically, though, ANYTHING would be a better use of the land and building than it being a fucking church, esp. since the general public would/could benefit, unlike a church.

  • Phil

    Come over to the UK for inspiration. It has been happening here for decades. Churches closing here every week. Our local vicar has at least 3 to share his time between. It must be soul destroying to turn up on Sunday with only a couple of grannies to preach to.
    Over the pond aren’t you going to be in more need of secular medical centres, soup kitchens and places for homeless to stay.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    Or a marijuana dispensary: Altar Ego.

  • Nokota

    That’s a short book, yo. I’ve edited longer fanfiction. Shoot me a line if ya need a proofreader. <3

  • rationalobservations?

    I agree with all you write except for the assumed absence of redundant American churches in the nation today. Here’s a web site with over 500 redundant USA churches for sale:
    https://www.loopnet.com/churches-for-sale/
    Here’s another agent specializing in the sale of redundant American churches.
    https://churches4sale.com/
    Here’s another:
    https://www.chron.com/homes/distinctiveproperties/article/fomer-churches-for-sale-across-America-12517986.php

    Fewer than 18% of Americans can be found within a church (or other centre of religious indoctrination) on any given Sunday and the USA joins other even more advanced and educated free secular democracies in being littered with empty, rotting redundant churches.

    In the UK there are many rotting churches but also many have been redeveloped into things of actual use to humanity like garages, theatres, antique shops and even private homes.

    https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=church+converted+into+house&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjCxeu50qneAhVhI8AKHVstB-EQsAR6BAgEEAE&biw=1366&bih=657

    https://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/mt/2014/07/church_for_sale/lead_720_405.jpg?mod=1533691681