10 Tips For Waging War On Christmas This Year

10 Tips For Waging War On Christmas This Year November 22, 2018

Well, it’s finally Thanksgiving in the US which means it’s almost December and for the Hellbound that means just one thing: time to get warring on Christmas.

If you’re new to atheist activism, I’m here to explain the next steps and how you can do your part to make sure you’re waging war on Christmas with the rest of us. This is everything you need to know to ensure you’re contributing to the corrosion of all things Christians hold dear at this time of year, point by point. So, without further rambling, let’s get started.

Tips for waging war on Christmas:

1. Be sure to say Merry Christmas to everyone you see. This throws the theist off and they spend the rest of the day watching Piers Morgan trying to pinpoint clues as to what exactly you’re up to. You may catch them from time to time peering at you from around the corner, or clutching their Bible while they update their Facebook status to, “Atheist coworker up to something. Padlock your nativity scenes.”

2. Put Christmas lights on your house. This will highlight the lack of a nativity scene on your front lawn, ensuring all your neighbours know you’re a Satanist who would sacrifice their pet cat on your Dawkins altar given half the chance. You’ll suddenly notice an obvious lack of puddy-tats in the ‘hood, when the cul de sac Christmas crackers lock ’em up for their own protection.

3. Put a tree up in your home and decorate it. This ritual has deep pagan roots (I’m so punny!) and, if you place the tree near a window for all driving and walking by to see, is comparable to putting a neon sign on your house that says, “Satanist lives here”. The Christmas purists will recognize it as the heathen symbol it is, and you won’t be getting any carolers on your doorstep this year, that’s for sure.

4. Buy gifts for the people in your life. Accepting a gift from a heretic like you will strike fear deep into the Christian’s heart and have them wondering, “Did I just sell my soul to the devil for a Starbucks gift card?

5. Send Christmas cards out to your favourite people. When a Christian friend or loved one receives theirs, they may just change their Facebook status to some vaguebook question like, “Why would an atheist send out Christmas cards? I thought they hated God?” Just wait for it…

6 Take your kids to see Santa. Paranoia will set in amongst the believers that your kids are casting some black magic spell on him to deliver nothing but curses and hexes to the God-fearing kids of America.

7. Wear a cheerful Christmas sweater. When your Bible-thumping friends see it and are compelled to point out that you don’t even believe in Christ, just counter with, “If ugly Christmas sweaters came from yarn, why the heck is there still yarn?”

8. Break out the nog! Your godly friends and family will fill with anxiety as they wonder what you might have slipped in their mugs. Are atheists trying to knock out the devout until the season has passed? Take a sip and find out!

9. Bake some festive holiday goodies. The Jesus lovers may just be fooled by a tree-shaped shortbread cookie long enough to look the other way while we bake even more festive goodies!

10. Finally, be sure to give to those in need this season. When you drop a toy or two into a toy drive box or hand out hats to the homeless, it will strike fear in the hearts of the Godly that your devil-donations come with a caveat, and what they are actually witnessing is the mass-recruiting of a vast Beelzebub-army, starving for souls.

If all good atheists practice these few things this season, we’ll have struck a nasty blow to the very heart of Christmas and it will only be a matter of time before it’s a thing of the past. So, get out there and fight! Good luck!

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Image: Licensed to Courtney Heard/Adobe Stock

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  • My, what a warm and caring post this is! If you don’t mind, I’d like to add my own two cents to the discussion via my article:

    All I want for Christmas is a positive, testable (thus, scientific) argument for atheism. That’s not too much for to ask for, is it?

  • Cozmo the Magician
  • ephemerol

    Party foul, shifting the burden of proof, five yard penalty. *yawn*

    Does there exist any negative case in history that was susceptible to positive, deductive proof, rather than an inductive one? Yes, the impossible is quite a bit to ask, actually. Yaknow. Now that you mention it.

    Nearly every “argument” (did you mean hypothesis?) that a scientist has ever proposed has been met with skepticism. There have been many times when the skeptics have been silenced, converted even, by evidence that rules out any and all other so-far-proposed potential hypotheses that could explain the phenomena.

    If you want to silence the skeptics, you need to do two things: 1) stop blaming the skeptics that you don’t have the evidence you need to win them over, and 2) go find this evidence.

    And atheists aren’t really your problem. Every other religion out there is a proposed hypothesis that competes with yours and would like to find the evidence that rules out your pantheon and establishes their own.

    Religions have had mostly thousands of years to do this, and none of them have been able to do anything but concoct “arguments” riddled with false premises, falsehoods, and fallacies. It’s not our fault none of you guys can get your acts together. Are you going to blame us for your failures just because we can’t help but notice how unconvincing a case everyone in history has seemingly been constrained into having to make? I mean, Plantinga has tried mightily just to come up with something new, rather than the same boring old fallacious nonsense that was successfully refuted centuries ago already, and he failed miserably.

    If a hypothesis isn’t true, then thousands of years of failures to establish its veracity is exactly what we should expect to see. Literally, there has been no hypothesis in history that has had more variants and been tested more times than the supernatural hypothesis, and I’m not aware of it passing even one of them. There is still zero consensus for any of the variants. Coincidence? Bad luck? Global conspiracies? I mean, by now, what excuse do you reach for?

    Pout all you want, supernaturalists have been steadily, failure by failure, making the inductive case against supernaturalism, which is the only case against it that can be made. Don’t get mad at us for noticing you guys might just be onto something.

  • ephemerol

    You have no idea how you just nailed it for the christian fundamentalist fringe church/cult sect I grew up in. We were so righteous that we admitted christmas, easter, and even a Sunday “sabbath” were pagan, and refused to have anything to do with them. Instead, we did what Jesus would have done, being Jewish and all…we kept the sabbath on Satuday and the Jewish holy days, as outlined in Leviticus 23. There’s Messianic Jews trying to bridge the gap between judaism and christianity from one direction, and there was us trying to bridge it from the other direction.

    Even if it wouldn’t have been waging a war on christmas per se, literally everything you’ve said to do here, if I wanted to send to a message to those in the church of my past of what a pagan god-hating, baby-eating demon-possessed hellbound atheist I was, it would be received, no joke, literally as you’ve facetiously described.

  • FanofNeri

    The lights up highlighting the lack of Nativity and therefore being evil, really does remind me of an event from my childhood. My mother, her pastor, and another member of our church at the time were talking about Christmas. The third person said, “It always breaks my heart when I don’t see decorations up on a house, because I know an unbeliever lives there.” My mother sort of just stared before going, “I don’t put up outside decorations” and as the man looked shocked, the pastor went, “me either.” Truly, evil lurked in the church that day if you had asked decorations guy.

  • larry parker

    I’m positive that theistic claims of god(s) have failed to meet the burden of proof. They have been tested for thousands of years and have failed every time.

  • Michael Neville
  • Michael Neville

    My sure-fire, never fails, positive argument for atheism: “Due to the complete lack of evidence for any gods I do not believe they exist.”

    Of course you were expecting an argument “Gods do not exist” but I can’t give that to you. I don’t know if gods exist or not, however because I don’t see any evidence for their existence I don’t believe they exist. That’s the difference between a hard or gnostic atheist and a soft or agnostic atheist. Like most atheists, I’m a soft atheist and so my simple statement of lack of belief in gods is sufficient.

    Better luck next time you decide to troll an atheist blog.

  • raven

    That is what I was going to say.
    The question is so old, it predates the invention of xianity.
    The religious crackpot is definitely ignorant and reasoning on a kindergarten level.
    1. All testable claims of the religions have been tested.
    Every single one of them has failed!!!
    2. That the gods exist, they are invisible, all powerful but do nothing tangible in the real world, is not a testable claim.
    You can say the same thing about Zeus, Odin, or the Invisible Pink Unicorn.

  • Illithid

    Wrong, heretic! I have tested the Invisible Pink Unicorn (pbuh) and have determined scientifically that she is invisible because I can’t see her!

  • Illithid

    I bit on your clickbait comment. The reference (to an article you wrote for your own obviously woefully unvisited website) is a joke. In the first page, you misunderstand Nietzsche on “God is dead”, misrepresent the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy by cherry-picking its definition of atheism, and lie about Dawkins’ use of the word. Pa-fucking-thetic.


    I was hoping to see a bit about sacrificing virgins to the moon god. So disappointing. /S

  • Albionic American
  • FanofNeri

    …that’s enough lights that their neighbors have to be ready to wage a war on Christmas.

  • Jim Jones

    Gods can’t exist because of Eric The God-Eating Magic Penguin.

    Since Eric is God-Eating by definition, he has no choice but to eat God. So, if God exists, He automatically ceases to exist as a result of being eaten. Unless you can prove that Eric doesn’t exist, God doesn’t exist. Even if you can prove that Eric doesn’t exist, that same proof will also be applicable to God. There are only two possibilities: either you can prove that Eric doesn’t exist or you can’t. In both cases it logically follows that God doesn’t exist.


    Imagine the greatest possible god-eating penguin. A penguin that existed and had eaten a god would be greater than a non-existent one that had eaten no gods, therefore a god-eating penguin that has eaten a god must exist.

    That said, a god-eating penguin who has eaten entire pantheons of gods would be even greater, therefore all gods have existed and Eric has eaten them all.

  • Jim Jones

    > Religions have had mostly thousands of years to do this, and none of them have been able to do anything but concoct “arguments” riddled with false premises, falsehoods, and fallacies.

    Religion is spread by four basic methods:

    1) Deceit
    2) Fear
    3) Torture
    4) Murder

    It is always thus.

    How far the religious will go with these depends on those of us who have moral sense. We know what will happen if they don’t have these constraints from outside.

  • I support the war on xmas, I want to push the holiday back to its original borders, when Xmas crap began on black friday not on october 1st.

  • Martin Penwald

    A-theism means not believing in the existence of any deity. Nothing more. There are people who don’t believe in any deities, so atheism exists. Easy.

  • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

    How sneaky and underhanded!!!


    Why, being a good person without ‘god’ puts the lie to all their idiot prattling!

  • Some guy

    ‘Cause we’re the Griswolds!

  • Some guy
  • Some guy

    Save Halloween!

  • Makes two of us. (I work retail. Nuff said.)

  • And I want an actual photograph of your god. Is that so much to ask?

  • ThaneOfDrones

    IOW: “Pics or it didn’t happen”