The Case For Replacing Jesus With Jason Momoa

The Case For Replacing Jesus With Jason Momoa April 8, 2019

Alright hetero boys, if you are at all uncomfortable with your sexuality, now’s the time to check out because Mama’s gonna praise the gods of rock-hard man-abs in just a few. Consider this your trigger warning.

A while ago, on Instagram, I posted this meme:

And it turns out it’s not true. See, GM didn’t do her research before posting this, and now I’ve got proverbial egg schmeared all over my heathen face. Don’t worry; I’ll kick my own tuchus later. My laziness is not important. What’s important here is the idea.

What idea is that, GM? 

Why, the idea that we could potentially choose a new face to pass as Jesus, of course!

I mean, think about it. When you focus on Jesus in your mind, you picture a man who has hair that could win a Pantene commercial and eyes that could win Harvey Weinstein a fresh new charge on his rap sheet. He looks like a twenty-something globetrotter with a B.O. problem, a hemp backpack and an itinerary that’ll block him from entering the US for the next ten years. You wanna call him River or Blaze. Not Jesus, right?

So, why don’t we replace the image with something a little more… well… suitable?

I am here to propose we do just that. I think we ought to replace the blonde-haired, blue-eyed image of Christ with…

*breathe Courtney*

with this:

Image: Creative Commons/Gage Skidmore

 

I’ll give you a minute to change your panties, ladies.

We good? Alright.

Here are the reasons Jason Momoa should replace the face we know as Jesus:

1. He could pass for Middle Eastern better than the image of Criss-Cross Jeebs we have now – Momoa is dark and mysterious with locks of chocolate brown like a Persian prince. He’s got the olive skin that is far more convincing than our existing Jesus’ milky complexion. Momoa is Hawaiian with some of that delicious Pacific Islander blood in him that makes him a far more believable Jesus than… well, Jesus.

2. Abs – Just look at this for Rah’s sake. Drink it in:

 

I mean, if you’re a god and you can look like whatever the flip you want to look like, why would you choose to resemble a runway waif whose last meal consisted of a whiff of the essence of kale? Why not choose to look like you were chiselled from the firmament by god’s very hand?

3. You’ll fill more pews – sure they’ll be filled with yoga pants, bejewelled iPhones and Louis Vuitton knock-offs, but they’ll fill up nonetheless. The ladies will flock to your holy house in droves, just to be able to take a moment to run their fingers down the razor-sharp abs on the life-size statue of our Lord and Saviour. Heck, you might even find GM in there one day, ’cause if there’s one thing that’ll make me fall to my knees in worship, it’s Jason goddamned Momoa.

4. He speaks Dothraki – Dothraki is a far more contemporary language than Aramaic, guaranteed to titillate fanboys across the globe. Yep, the abs will bring the ladies to the pews but Khal Drogo’s Athchomar Chomakea will bring enough boys to the churchyard to make Kelis jealous.

5. You might be more successful with your fundraising – under the powerful spell of Momoa’s hypnotizing green eyes, even a hetero man could be talked into handing over his life savings and the man-bun is the perfect place to tuck a twenty.

6. He’s a better role model – not only is Momoa fallible like the rest of us, but his devotion to his wife, mother and children is also inspirational. Further, the man isn’t sitting on the ability to magically multiply food while 25,000 humans beings starve to death every day on Planet Earth. While all-powerful Jesus has, for two-thousand years, had the power to end child suffering of all kinds, but done nothing to that end – not even in his own churches, Jason Momoa has committed to causes his mortal self believes in. In just a few short years of fame, he’s brought clean drinking water to people in need and helped to save the natural Hawaiian landscape.

7. Legend has it he can breathe underwater – makes your floating feet seem like a cheap parlour trick, hey Jeeboner?

And finally, the most important reason to replace our recognized image of Christ with Jason Momoa:

8. Fewer sexual abuse scandals – There are no clergy members willing to stand up to this when they’re caught pawing the kiddos. He didn’t get that eyebrow scar from putting up with nonsense, I tell you what:

Image: Creative Commons/Gage Skidmore

 

So, what do you say? Shall we replace the image of Christ with Momoa? Let me know in the comments!

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Raging Bee

    The Dothraki Horde, with naval support from Aquakanda — sorry, Atlantis? yeah, that’d be a winning alliance…

  • Martin Penwald

    The earliest representations of Jésus picture him without a beard. I don’t remember when exactly the change occurred, but before the Xth century I think.
    So, Patrick Stewart would fit the role better.

  • Catherine Spencer-Mills

    Whoo-boy! I’m in – uh, on – uh, I’m in trouble, you betcha. Change my panties? I can’t hardly breathe, Godless Mom. And I love the squash blossom necklace in the first photo. I won’t comment on the other photos because it would reduce me to gibbering….

  • Chris Hogue

    I wish factual could replace fictional.

  • William

    Tell me about the falsification of the Cesare Borgia meme?

  • Jason Momoa sure looks like a deity to me!

  • Synfandel

    That’s because the early Jesus was too young to grow a beard. Duh!

  • Keith Taylor

    There is another reason why Jason Momoa would be a fine choice to replace the current image of Jesus. Momoa has played that other famous barbarian, Conan, as well as Khal Drogo. I know Conan doesn’t seem at first glance to have much in common with Jesus, but forget the movies, cartoons and TV series. Go back to the original stories (of which I was a fan before they were even reprinted in paperback in the ‘sixties) and particularly check out The Scarlet Citadel. Observe Conan, now a king, giving it hard to a couple of corrupt, debased rival kings who have him captive in chains and want him to sell out his adopted realm and people to them. Sounds a lot like Jesus giving it hard to the Pharisees and other hypocrites.
    “What you inherited without lifting a finger — except to poison a few brothers — I fought for. I found Aquilonia in the grip of a pig like you — one who traced his genealogy for a thousand years. The land was torn by the wars of the barons, and the people cried out under oppression and taxation. Today no Aquilonian noble dares maltreat the humblest of my subjects, and the taxes of the people are lighter than anywhere else in the world. If either of us has the right to rule men, by Crom, it is I!”
    Jesus in popular myth is king and lord. Conan was even crucified at one time and survived, after biting the head off a vulture that attacked him. So, yes, Momoa for the updated image of Jesus!

  • wolfypuppy

    Oh hell yes! Your basic point that religion is arbitrary is wonderful, too. It makes me think of the criticisms of prosperity gospel by “real” Christians. Prosperity Gospel is just as picked-and-chosen, Bible-based, manipulative, and abusive as “real” Christianity. The Copelands want your money; the “real” Christians want your self-worth, your identity, your psyche, your codependence and addiction, your blind obedience, and your Christ-like suffering, which is a lot worse of a mind-fuck and a tragedy than losing some cash.

  • ThaneOfDrones

    6. He’s a better role model…
    8. Fewer sexual abuse scandals…

    Don’t bank on that continuing.

    I’m Sorry to Report that Jason Momoa Is Actually Gaston

    Heard, a self-confessed “bookworm,” spent much of her time on set harnessed 30 feet in the air. The wardrobe people on set made her a book bag out of green-screen cloth so that she could keep it on her person and read in between takes…
    “He adopted this method of ripping out the pages of my book so I would pay attention to him,” she said on Good Morning America.

    Sounds like testosterone poisoning.

  • ThaneOfDrones

    Cue the heretical argument about whether Jesus existed since the beginning of the universe or not…

    Pre-existence of Christ
    The pre-existence of Christ asserts the existence of Christ before his incarnation as Jesus. One of the relevant Bible passages is John 1:1–18 where, in the Trinitarian interpretation, Christ is identified with a pre-existent divine hypostasis (substantive reality) called the Logos or Word. There are nontrinitarian views that question the aspect of personal pre-existence or the aspect of divinity or both…

  • MadScientist1023

    I thought the common image of Jesus came from Leonardo Da Vinci’s brother, who served as the model of Jesus for Da Vinci’s “Last Supper”.

  • Interesting! I had not heard that explanation before.

  • Prosperity gospel is so goofy. I’ve never been able to wrap my mind around how anyone can accept it.

  • Oh, I didn’t know he played Conan! You learn something new every day 🙂

  • Right?

  • I was linked to this when I posted the meme: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/jesus-modeled-on-borgia/

  • Yes! Precisely!

  • LOL! I’m with ya, Catherine.

  • Oh yeah, I’d be great with Sir Patrick replacing Jesus, too!

  • I think you’re correct.

  • wolfypuppy

    Jason Momoa did make a rape joke in an interview about his GoT character once, so he’s not completely unproblematic.

  • wolfypuppy

    It’s a brilliant excuse to make money and back it up with Bible verses. I think someone should go through the Bible sometime and think up what other craziness that book can support. Kinda puts Christianity in the perspective of just one more crazy story from a crazy book. 😉

  • Raging Bee

    That kinda makes sense, given how famous that painting was.

  • Raging Bee

    Wow, sounds like an asshole. You’d think he’d AT LEAST respect her wanting to read something while TIED UP IN A HARNESS 30 FEET IN THE AIR FOR THAT LONG.

    And it’s not like he’s so ugly he has to go that far out of his way to get a woman’s attention…

  • MadScientist1023

    From what I understand nearly all subsequent paintings and depictions of Jesus were based on the Last Supper. Thus he became the de facto model what everyone has thought of as the image of Jesus for centuries.

  • Raging Bee

    Did any of Jesus (alleged) contemporaries ever give any description of his appearance?

  • MadScientist1023

    Not that I’ve ever heard of.

    After a little googling, it seems that it’s unknown who the models for the Last Supper actually were. Apparently a few myths have sprung up about the models over the years. Still, the painting did have a tremendous impact on all subsequent depictions of Jesus.

  • I don’t get too issuey about jokes. I’ve been sexually assaulted and I still crack jokes about it. All good in my books!

  • Andrea Fitzgerald

    It was Pope Alexander VI, not the IV.