With the news, recently, that Nxivm’s leader, Keith Rainier has been found guilty of racketeering, sex trafficking and child pornography, I thought we could talk about cults. In my research, I was truly floored at just how many strange cults are out there, still drawing people in and promising them spiritual salvation. People are so absolutely desperate in their desire for some sort of meaning to their own lives that’s “out of this world” that they’ll literally buy anything. The most hilarious of these ideas that desperate people get suckered into, are the UFO cults. These cults are plentiful and have teeming membership numbers. Their leaders claim to be in contact with beings on other planets or to have come from the other planets themselves. They have web sites and YouTube channels and Twitter accounts and draw in new members daily.
While I believe there’s got to be life out there somewhere, the idea that any life that is out there has worked and worked at developing the tech to get in touch with us, or to travel to Earth has done all of that only to hide from us? I’d sooner get baptized than believe that idiocy.
“Say hey, fellow aliens. Yeah, we’re building a spaceship so we can land on that green planet over there and then we’re all just gon’ hide in the bushes. Y’all down?”
It’s absurd. But I digress. People be worshipping aliens and here are 6 currently active cults that prove it:
1. Raëlism – These jerks believe extraterrestrials named Elohim created us. The Elohim originally lied to us and made us think they were gods or angels. So, not only did these Martians work hard at developing the tech to fly to another planet, they also built a whole new species when they got there. Then, they lied to this whole new species about who they were, and have been hiding ever since, sending cryptic messages through prophets, who include Jesus and Buddha and everyone in between. The Elohim could, of course, come by for a visit and get to know us and show us their space vehicles and crap, and we could all be friends, but why do that when you can just hide in the bushes and send mysterious messages to some bearded, French old fart with the fashion sense of an 80’s New Age pop star?
Hey, check it out! They managed to stop spinning long enough to make a web site: Rael.org
AND a YouTube channel!
2. Fiat Lux – Jesus himself founded this one, through the medium of an old Swiss woman name Uriella who recently passed. Apparently, cheese isn’t the only thing they make holy.
Ba dum psssshhhhhh!
Nevermind that their leaders have had several failed predictions, membership is still strong. In 1991, it was foretold that the world would end and the members of Fiat Lux would be rescued by aliens and taken to another planet that could sustain them. They also predicted 1998 would be a crazy hellish year, starting with the assassination of some big wig head of state, then computer viruses would cause the markets worldwide to crash and then for no apparent reason, Russia would invade Germany and a meteorite would land in the North Sea, sinking and permanently washing away the coastal cities nearby. But wait! You don’t think we’d believe that a meteorite of that size could get anywhere near Earth without us human people doing something about it, do you? Good. Because Uriella made sure to include that humanity would have a plan to destroy the meteor before it hit Earth, but alas, said plan would predictably be thwarted by angels. Those sons of bitches! Do you know what they had planned? They were going to use magnetic power rays to get in the way of humanity’s nuclear weapons that would have been headed toward the meteor… and you thought angels were nice? Hah. Slight wrench in the works: None of this crap ever happened.
This cult has had quite a bit of controversy with several members having died after questionable healing rituals. They are afraid of tech, including bar codes, tv, radio and the internet. Luckily, because of this, they have yet to infect the intertubes with their mania.
3. Order of the Solar Temple – A so-called “secret society” although whenever I hear that phrase it begs the question: if you’re so goddamned secret, why am I hearing about you? Seems to me like y’all might have some leaks. Other than that, the Swiss-founded order is just your typical, run-of-the-mill UFO cult which believes that Christ is on his way back to be our Solar God-King who will unify Christianity and Islam (they do seem made for each other, don’t they?). They were inspired by Mr. Aleister Crowley, whose sorcery is said to have been the evilest black magic in all of history.In true Crowley form, they murdered a baby in their clubhouse in Quebec. He was 3 months old and suffered several stab wounds from a wooden stake. About a week later, several mass murder/suicides occurred amongst sect members in Switzerland and Quebec. 38 people were murdered and 15 committed suicide. They believed they were escaping an imminent Earthly ecological disaster, and headed to the Sirius stellar system. In 1995, they did it again; this time 16 bodies were found in France, 14 of which were murdered and two had committed suicide. Again, in 1997, 5 members committed suicide.
I dunno. I guess Sirius is nice around the solstice. It is estimated near 500 members still exist worldwide, though that number is likely to keep dropping… like flies.
4. Aetherius – George King gets contacted on a frequent basis by Cosmic Masters. I know, I am jealous, too. Naturally, Mr. King had to spread the good word and has developed a following of thousands worldwide. His message which has been passed on from the Cosmic Masters? Can’t we all just get along? That’s basically it. The cult works towards a unified harmony between Earth and extraterrestrial races. They have developed what they call, “Spiritual Energy Batteries” which store healing power and can right all the world’s wrongs. I guess they’re just waiting for the right time? They say the “Next Master” will land soon in a flying saucer and be able to take on all the world’s armies with ease.
Sounds pretty sane, no? Shall we all sign up? Just hit up their web site and you too can welcome the coming of the Next King, aetherius.org
5. Nuwaubian Nation – Before their leader, Dwight York, was sentenced to 135 years in federal prison for raping dozens and dozens of children, including toddlers, the cult was going strong. They still have members, in spite of Mr. York’s case being the largest case of child molestation against a single person in all of US history, because Dwight, conveniently, is the only living master teacher from the planet Rizq living on Earth. York says that the people from Rizq have been visiting us for millennia. Of course, they have their doomsday ideas which they believed were beginning when the huge blackout occurred on the US East Coast in 2003. They ain’t worried though. There’s a “Motherplane” up there waiting to rescue only the sacred members of Dwight’s baby-touching cult.
These idiots still worship this loathsome piece of crap: holytablets.nuwaubianfacts.com. Further proof that finding a spiritual calling doesn’t make you a good person. In fact, 9 times out of 10, it just makes you a manipulative, greedy, predatory asshole.
6. Universe People – Founded in the Czech Republic, this group, much like the others, believes their leader gets telepathic messages from extraterrestrials. Benda, their ET-connected leader, talks of an entire space fleet in operation above us by these ETs. They must be Romulans because their cloaking mechanisms are incredible… They hate mass media, but often contact reporters to attempt to spread their messages. It appears the Extraterrestrials that this cult speaks to on a regular basis really aren’t all that technologically advanced, because no one told them not to design their web site in frames, which went out around the same time as The Arsenio Hall Show. Check it: universe-people.com. Just in case they’re right though, I have obtained for you secret documents that will help you identify, board and navigate the mothership when it gets here:
Let’s just keep this between you and me, though. The ship only has limited space.
What’s your favourite UFO cult? Let me know in the comments!
Image: Shared by request from Ashtar Sheran, Commander of the Grand Cosmic Squadron.