You know, there is not a day that goes by on Instagram that I don’t get asked one specific question multiple times by crowds of deficiently deducing dicks. In fact, I didn’t have one particular Poirot in mind to respond to when beginning this post – instead, I scrolled through my recent comments and it took me less than a minute to find the latest addition to the ever-flowing stream of this precise question:
In this one idiotic question, there lies a mountain of problems so vast, it makes the Fyre Festival look like a NASA mission. It’s been phrased a million ways:
“If you don’t believe in God, why do you spend your life mocking him?”
“If you’re so sure God doesn’t exist, why do you devote your life to hating him?”
And on and on and on, until my eyes cross from the sheer, unbridled what-the-effery.
I see what they’re getting at, these detectives for the almighty. I mean, don’t think I don’t see their flawed logic. I do. I see that this is a gotcha for them. They think everyone, on some level, must believe in a god and the fact that I hate on him day in and day out is a clear clue that I acknowledge his existence. I see this. But Jesus…
Class, stop me if you see the problems here.
First, the phrase, “spend your life” or “devote your life” gives me kidney cramps because their comment is, more often than not, posted on Instagram. Likely, the troll has not bothered to visit my blog. He’s probably never spoken to me before; never emailed me to ask for clarification. No, he saw one post that upset his Christian sensibilities, skimmed the rest of my profile for a few seconds and decided – with the power of Jeeby vested in him – that this must be my entire life.
My entire life.
I don’t know about you heretics, but when I post something on Instagram, it takes me but moments. A minute tops. I post about 4-5 posts per day on Instagram. What Sherlock Trollmes is basically saying, is that those 4-5 minutes of my day is sufficient to determine what my entire life looks like. Not presumptuous at all, right? Of course, there’s also the possibility that to my Hardy-Boy-du-jour, Instagram is life and so, therefore, it must be for the rest of us. But no, half an hour is the most I ever spend on Instagram on any given day, much to the chagrin of all the Remington Steeles asking me this question in the comments.
But what about your blog, GM? What about Twitter and Facebook? Don’t those take up more time?
Sure do, Horatio. But if you could go back through my blog catalogue and find all the posts in which I “mock god”, the percentage of total posts would be maybe 2%. The trolls throwing around this question conveniently overlook the “mom” part of my name. All they see is “godless”.The life and posts my trolls refuse to acknowledge consist of kids and puppies and kittens and husbands and work and cleaning and laundry, so much laundry. Cooking, baseball, cubs, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, vet appointments, bank appointments, road trips to Alberta, watching Mindhunter with my hairier half, starting bonfires on the beach with which to make s’mores… That is my life. That post that upset you about your fragile god? A blip… a mere blip on my day-to-day schedule.
So, as far as “devoting my life” to mocking god? Nah. I don’t even wish that was my life. I like writing about living a secular life more than anything. Your god just doesn’t register for much beyond the odd joke, friend.
Now that we’ve covered that, I’d like to take a minute to talk to you about King Joffrey. He was the vilest king to ever rule the Seven Kingdoms, I think we can all agree. But, don’t you think with a little red lipstick and longer hair, he could pass for Christina Aguilera circa the Genie in a Bottle era? You gotta rub me the right way…
Oh, geez, look at me. I’ve mocked King Joffrey.
But wait, GM, surely you don’t think Joffrey is real?
That’s right, Columbo. Sit on that one and rotate for a little.
I do indeed mock your fragile god and I do it all while not believing in him. The same way I mock the idea that standing on your head cures cancer, my neighbour’s claims he travels the astral plane and that lady the other day who told me she made energy balls in her living room with her family to ensure she got the house she wanted.
I don’t believe in any of that BS, but 9/10 docs agree, it’s all an exceptional source of vitamin LMFAO.
But GM, most of your Instagram posts don’t mock god at all.
You are correct, Kojack. In fact, the vast majority of my Instagram posts that mock anything at all, are mocking religion, blind faith and bigotry not god. The posts that are critical of something are critical of religious ideas, not your magic space-ruler. I poke holes in your stories, not God’s stories.
So, when the next Shaft asks me why I devote my life to mocking a god I don’t believe in I tell them:
- This is not my life. Believe it or not, I do feed my kids. How else would I plump them up for rib night?
- One can mock that which one does not believe in. Remember that time you yelled at the TV, “Tara, you goddamned idiot, look behind you!” when Rick Grimes was leading the gang through a pack of biters? Yeah, you do.
- I mock and criticize religion most of the time. Religion exists and is real and is not equivalent to your god.
- Stop and think about the “mom” part of my name. If I “devoted my life” to mocking your god, I’d have had my babies taken from me long ago.
So, heathens, why do you devote your life to mocking god if you’re so sure he’s not real, huh? Let me know in the comments.
I’m writing a book addressing the many reasons believers distrust atheists. I’m around 40,000 words in! If you want to help me get it done, you can support me by donating here or becoming a patron here.