Like No Mom Guilt You’ve Ever Known

Like No Mom Guilt You’ve Ever Known August 13, 2019
I can’t imagine how it would feel to become aware that the home you’d made for your children left them feeling unsafe and unloved. Most mothers commit to backbreaking work, making their home a safe and loving place for their kids to grow. For eighteen years and beyond, we flop into bed each night exhausted not just at the physical work required to raise a child but the emotional commitment as well. We find reward in the growth of our babies; seeing them learn and mature and grow into themselves is a delight beyond explanation. But what happens when the path you chose to accomplish these things turns your own kids against you?

A couple of nights ago, I got into a discussion with a mom whose child came out as gay two years ago. Before learning her child was gay, she vehemently opposed marriage equality as a devout member of the Seventh Day Adventist church. As she told me more of her story, she explained that was sure her son was going to end up in Hell for all eternity. Her heart broke knowing she would not be spending the afterlife with him, the one person on earth who she loved more than anything.

Her immediate reaction was to plead with her child to change his mind. As one might expect, her son did not respond to this well. As he made preparations to leave his childhood home, his mother sought the advice of people she trusted.

She listened to sermon podcasts from her church, which assured her that being gay was a lifestyle choice and could be changed. She went to her local church and spoke with her pastor who suggested she seek the guidance of Coming Out Ministries. When she researched this organization, she realized it followed the conversion therapy approach to members of the LGBTQ community. Before she really understood what any of that meant, she had a nagging feeling this wasn’t right for her or her son. Her curiosity led to more research, and more research led her to the skeptic community, loudly making a case for why conversion therapy is pseudo-science. She learned that many of us consider conversion therapy to be a form of bonafide torture.

All this research led her elsewhere, though. She ended up reading informative pieces on the science behind same-sex attraction in many species, not just humans. This led her to click through to actual scientific sources where she began to understand that being gay was not a choice.

She told me,

“I let that sink in. I didn’t know how to approach my child and apologize for dismissing a real part of who he was born to be. I stopped going to church. I couldn’t do it knowing that the church was teaching people that being gay was a choice and the entire scientific community disagreed with them. I thought to myself if they’re wrong about that, what else are they wrong about?

After about a month of skipping church, my son asked me why. I broke down, explained it all and plead for his forgiveness. He said it was okay and that he loved me and he knew I’d figure it out eventually.”

The problem, now, she told me, is the intense guilt she can’t seem to shake. It’s two years later, and her reading and research never stopped. She’s an atheist, now, out and open about it. She went to pride in June with her son. But she says something between them came undone when she reacted to his coming out way back when, and she can’t seem to figure out how to put it back together. She can’t sleep at night as she replays everything she did wrong in her mind. After telling me all of this, she asked me,

“How do you cope with the guilt and embarrassment of knowing you believed something so hurtful and ridiculous?”

Of course, I have never believed in any of these things, so I thought the advice might be better coming from people who’ve been through exactly what she has. I asked everyone on my Twitter yesterday,

You all came out in full force. Your answers were thoughtful and kind. Here are some of the best responses:

If you go through the rest of that thread, you’ll see that so many people, including myself, had beliefs that were absurd, unfounded and some even harmful to others and themselves. It’s important to know that you are not alone. There are millions of ex-religious people struggling with embarrassment and guilt over the things they used to believe. Reaching out to me was a great start, but the people in that Twitter thread, who are my inspiration every single day, will welcome you with open arms. Join in on the discussion. Be loud and proud of your child. Be one of those moms giving out hugs at Pride every year or volunteer your time for a worth LGBTQ+ organization. Fight for equality for your son and others like him around the world.

Join us in our effort to promote secular, science-based humanism and make your son proud.

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Image: Creative Commons/Pixabay

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • adhoc

    ”…and she can’t seem to figure out how to put it back together.”

    Could take a tact that many mothers use- try to find partners/dates for her son, if he is single.

    It sounds like she already asked for forgiveness, but letting your child know that you know you f’ed up is important.

    Has she tried asking him if there is anything she can do? He will know better than anyone on the planet.

  • Yeah, that is something I mentioned to her. Just talk to him. Just keep the dialogue open.

  • Heardling

    Well said, Co!

  • Lambchopsuey
  • Robert Anthony

    She should be proud that her love for her child was priority one. When faced with a reality that contradicted her faith, she did her homework and arrived at the other side of it a better person.
    My own mother is 81 years old, and we don’t speak. She believes that homosexuality is demon possession and she did a real number on me. I first came out to her when I was 11 years old and learned to hide/deny it from her thereafter. I came out to her again in my 30’s and told her I could no longer have a relationship with her. Her faith was all that mattered to her and my “life choices” were wrong. I don’t bring sharp objects to the bubble she lives in. Perhaps I should have when I was younger, but indoctrination is a horrible thing to shake. Stories like this make me happy though, that religious dogma is becoming evermore unpalatable and that parents can and do choose their family over archaic doctrine.

  • Jim Jones

    > “How do you cope with the guilt and embarrassment of knowing you believed something so hurtful and ridiculous?”

    Now there’s a question for all the Trump voters.

  • Jim Jones

    She should try reading the actual bible – not the mistranslated version she owns.

    Google “lyings of a woman”

    Google (centurion pais)