You’ll Never Guess Who’s Mad About The Old Lust N’ Thrust Again

You’ll Never Guess Who’s Mad About The Old Lust N’ Thrust Again August 12, 2019

We all know nothing pisses off God more than a good old in n’ out sesh. He’s worried about your junk. He’s worried about where you stick it, how you touch it and how many layers cover it up. He’s concerned about what gender you stick it in, which hole and whether or not you’re married to said hole. God is so obsessively worried about your twig and berries, that he won’t even let you live with someone you love until you’re married. The temptation to dip your wick every night of the week is just far too great.

As the most ultimate buzzkill of all buzzkills, God ain’t havin’ it.

Luckily, I found Kathy Schiffer to explain why.

to look around at contemporary society, it does seem that living together without benefit of marriage is just another option for a young couple in love

Yeah. The best option. Sticking your banana in the fruit stand whenever you want, with no walk of shame? Yes, please.

Anyway, it seems that all of society says that it’s no big deal

Well, it is a big deal. Just not in the way you think. Moving in with your significant other is a huge commitment and not as easy as it sounds. Suddenly you realize that perfect, beautiful human has faults and habits. Now you’re subject to their farts and morning breath and illnesses and bad moods. You quickly become aware of any flaws they might have in handling money and keeping bills paid on time. Moving in with each other is a big deal, but it’s got nothing to do with God.

today a woman can talk openly about living with her boyfriend, and no one will question her character

That’s right because wanting to be closer to the person you love is a great character trait. Sharing your life with someone may piss off your angry God, but for those of us with a little reason, we know it’s a wonderful thing, especially when you’re in love.

One big reason for the change is contraception: If there’s little chance of an “unplanned pregnancy,” then why not have fun snuggling up together, even if you’re not totally committed to your partner?

Kathy, doll, you don’t get pregnant from “snuggling up”. Getting knocked up requires a little bonestorming at least. You know, going heels to Jesus. Your man can’t put a bun in the oven without getting some stank on the hangdown and you are why we so desperately need sex ed.

The recent Synod of Bishops on the Family acknowledged that cohabitation is a growing problem

Ah, yes, more reason for me to question your religion: Good people sharing their lives together, helping pay rent together, taking care of the chores together and generally supporting, loving and making each other feel good is a… problem.

sexual expression is within a marriage between a man and a woman.

Yeah, I’ve had a few hot nights of amorous congress that beg to differ.

living together doesn’t prevent divorce

I dunno, I think it can. Living together can easily reveal you and your partner’s incompatibilities before you ever tie the knot. Sometimes relationships need to end, yes, even marriages, because one partner or both are not willing to give what the relationship requires. Sometimes it’s a differing worldview that gets in the way. Other times, incompatible life goals make it clear that you’re not on the same path as your partner.  Sadly, sometimes a partner is violent, angry or emotionally abusive. Divorce itself is not always a bad thing.

Living chastely during your remaining months of engagement will teach you many things about one another.

Yeah, except whether or not you’re sexually compatible. Nothing beats finding out on your wedding night that your brand new husband has no chill and rides you like a DeWalt jackhammer. You’ll spend your life hiding in the bathroom after hubs got it in, stickin’ popsicles up your hooha to ease the chafe. Why? Because it’s God’s perfect plan for marital bliss.

I say live with each other if you want to. If God is upset that you didn’t put a ring on it before you’re jamming the clam with the person you love on a regular basis, then is he really worthy of worship in the first place?

What do you think? Do you think it’s okay to move in with someone you’re not married to? Why or why not?

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  • Well, my evangelical mom nearly had a fit when my boyfriend and I moved in together, but we lived 1000 miles away so none of her friends had to know about it. I told her to mind her own business or send me rent money every month, so she decided to shut up about it. That boyfriend and I just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary last weekend BTW. My marriage lasted longer than any of my mom’s 3 marriages…..

  • Jim Jones

    My rule is, first a baby then a marriage. That way you know the systems are compatible.

  • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

    Cohabitation works best, IMHO, if both partners are willing to be themselves, honestly, without hiding their flaws.

  • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

    She followed the “Do as I *say*, not as I *do*” school?

  • Pretty much…..

  • HairyEyedWordBombThrower
  • Michael Neville

    According to the propaganda this god created a universe with a radius of 28.5 gigaparsecs (93 billion light years) with hundreds of billions of galaxies, at least 1 septillion (1×10²³) stars and an even larger number of planets. This god is also deeply concerned with what people do with their genitalia.

    EDIT TO ADD: Hubble Ultra Deepfield. Astronomers aimed the Hubble Space Telescope at an apparently empty bit of sky 1/70th the size of the full Moon and exposed the CCD for 2 million seconds (that’s about 23 days). This is the resulting photograph. Every swirl, smear and splotch of light is a galaxy. Some are so far away it took light traveling at 300,000 km/sec (186,000 miles/second) over 12 billion years to reach the Earth.×960.jpg

  • Sassafras

    It’s so prettiful!

  • WallofSleep

    “… today a woman can talk openly about living with her boyfriend, and no one will question her character…”

    Welcome to the 20th century Kathy. Perhaps one day you can join us in the 21st, but I won’t hold my breath.

  • WallofSleep

    Seriously, if you can’t be in the same bathroom while your partner is urinating, nor urinate in the same bathroom while your partner is present, and vice versa, then y’all ain’t gonna make the long haul, ‘cuz as time goes on it’s only gonna get more real from there.

  • Jane Ravenswood

    I lived together with my now husband for a couple of years. And we’ve been married 28 years.

    Most Christians are entirely screwed up when it comes to sex and marriage and love.

  • why should i care and why should my opinion matter? it’s none of my damn business.

  • Yep, being kept up all night because they are particularly gassy is always worth a giggle. 😀

  • Yep. I couldn’t believe that line.

  • Duncan R. Bryson

    There’s mention of a “survey” that indicates people who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce compared to those marrying first. I’d like to know the demographics, way the questions were framed etc. A possibility is that those marrying first may be predominantly religious. As such their beliefs/ religion/ church/ community prevents divorce being an option when the marriage is all but a shell; even keeping going on in an abusive relationship.
    The above is a possible explanation but I don’t believe that quoted is a true static when a representative sample is considered.
    For the record, I’m in my 60’s. I’ve never seen married nor lived with anyone. For reasons women have been few and far between. If someone did come into my life I’d want a spell of living together first – 6 months to a year say but it’d be what was mutually agreed. I’d like to marry in a humanist ceremony – it’s a legal marriage in Scotland since 2005 (?) but not yet in England and Wales. This is because Scotland has a different legal system.

  • WallofSleep

    Up until it starts displacing all the oxygen in the room. I did that once (my poor [now ex]gf). I got up to pee and when I came back it was like a punch in the face. You know it’s bad when you gross yourself out.

  • Bahaha

  • I’m still not technically married and I’ve been with my partner for 13 years or some crazy amount of time like that.

  • Izumi Shikibu

    My ex, a “born again Christian”, had no problems with having sleepovers before we got married. He never begged forgiveness from his god for cheating on me, becoming a drug addict and then a drug dealer (for awhile, not any more), abandoning me with our 2-year old and never paying child support until the courts finally caught up with him 16 years later. He’d done something similar with his first wife, so I should’ve seen the writing on the wall, I know, but we didn’t “have” to get married as with wife No.1, and, yeah, I thought he had changed. Now, 40 years later, I chuckle reading his (public) Facebook page, where his Christian pals praise his “godliness”, and think he’s such a “godly” husband (to wife number 5). And, knowing what a big ego he has, I bet he’s eating up that praise with a spoon. Since Xtians know it all, I won’t bother telling them: their god really doesn’t give a flying f*ck about their junk and what they do with it before, after or during marriage. If he/she/it does, then he’s/she’s/it’s a voyeuristic pervert.

  • another GODLY Christian Man who is one wife 5, their Hero Trump is only on 3.

  • Some guy

    Ha ha! We got engaged on our 11th anniversary, married in our 12th, and are about to celebrate our 20th. It really is just a number.

  • I think ‘trying out the lifestyle’ first gives you a bit of practice in how to behave in a ‘legal’ marriage before it happens. Yet I know couples who have lived together for years and then decided to get married, have that baby, and the relationship went to hell. Couples who live together on a permanent basis with no marriage involved seem to function much better.
    It may be the ‘hafta’ in the legal marriage; where once you were always aware that either of you could leave at any time now you might be getting that sense of entrapment…marriage, and oh my god she wants a baby now…and it just comes unglued.

    Duncan, I agree, it’s very easy to trust stats and very easy to skew them the way you want.

  • Duncan R. Bryson

    To the best of my knowledge, in Scotland (I include the country because of the separate legal system) there are no differences in legal status between being legally married and cohabitation – as it should be. It’s just that I’d ultimately like that protection, especially if travelling to certain countries. Mainly though, it would be a demonstration of commitment in front of friends and family. Also it’s an excuse for a bloody good party. Here’s where I’d like it to be – St Andrews in The Square, formerly a church built in the mid to late 1700s: