12 Halloween Costumes Only Atheists Would Appreciate

12 Halloween Costumes Only Atheists Would Appreciate October 16, 2019
Image: Creative Commons/Pixabay

Ahh, Halloween. That blustery, crisp time of year when every housewife lines up at the T-Ho’s drive-thru for a Pumpkin spice muffin and matching latte. The season when every shrub at the end of a driveway suddenly appears to sprout thick, synthetic cobwebs. The pumpkins are popping up all over town, brittle leaves swirl in the wind and costumes are flying off the shelves at every store that sells them.

While this year everyone is going to go as Joker, I thought we atheists could come up with something a little more clever. Myself, I am going as Hunter S. Thompson circa the Fear & Loathing era because mommy’s pressed for time and all I need is a bucket hat, Hawaiian shirt, some aviators and ciggy. But you, you brilliant heathen, might enjoy some of the other ideas I’ve come up with.

Here are 12 costumes only atheists will appreciate:

1. Ray Comfort with a giant banana. Sure, people may be confused as to why your shirt says “Atheist’s nightmare” but when you politely explain it’s because your banana is rounded at the tip for ease of entry, all should be cleared up.

2. Jesus on a dinosaur. This is simple. All you need is a combo of two costumes. Grab the dude on the dinosaur get-up here and the Jesus robes here. Wear them both together and voila! you’re on your way to convincing people that the Flintstones was a documentary.

3. Your own ancestor – To pull this costume off, all you have to do is dress as your favourite ape! Be forewarned, however, that your clever costume is going to invite the inevitable, “If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?”. Maybe have a pocket full of dust on hand to turn the tables, “If God made Adam from dust, why is there dust in my Chimp pocket?”

4. Crocoduck – Half crocodile, half duck, the crocoduck will delight those familiar with Ray Comfort’s favourite species. This is going to have to be a DIY project as I scoured the web for a fitting costume and no one’s done it yet!

5. Ben Affleck – Don’t forget to sport your t-shirt that says, “It’s gross! It’s Racist!” while wearing Benny’s wings from the movie Dogma. Bonus point for carrying around a Buddy Jesus.

6. A priest with handcuffs on. The best part is that no one will ask why the priest has been arrested – they already know! If they need a hint, just tell them you’re a Catholic priest. Here’s your priest costume, and here are your handcuffs.

7. Zombie Jesus. Use the same Jesus robes found here and grab this zombie mask. Just make sure no one at the event you’re attending is dressed as Daryl Dixon.

8. Satan hiding dinosaur bones. All you need is this amazing red suit, a shovel and this bag of bones.

9. Mormon Missionary. White, short-sleeved dress shirt, dark tie, black pants, a messenger bag and the Book of Mormon. Nothing wrong with dressing up your nose as though it had recently been broken by a slamming door, either. You can grab a quick and easy Mormon Missionary costume here.

10. Pascal’s Bookie. Wear this shirt and take bets regarding the afterlife from everyone you approach.

Image: Creative Commons/Redbubble/Courtney Heard

11. A mohel with a giant pair of scissors. If you want to give all your guy friends a good Halloween scare, let them think they stumbled into a bris. Bonus points for sideburn curls. Here are your scissors.

12. God. The key is, don’t show up for the party or event you’re dressing up for, and when your friends ask why you weren’t there, tell them you were. When they argue, demand they prove you weren’t or tell them they just have to have faith.

What are you going as for Halloween? Let me know in the comments!

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • WallofSleep

    I went out as “Creepy Priest” one year, but that was years before the RCC ped0 pandemic came to light. Handcuffs or shackles would’ve been a nice touch, but back then it would’ve likely been interpreted more as a statement about religious persecution than a statement about the criminal malfeasance of the catholic church.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    How important is authenticity? I like the Mormon outfit, but lack a matching set of magic underwear.

  • Jim Jones

    > What are you going as for Halloween?

    As an RCC Cardinal. But Walmart doesn’t have a costume!

    https://media3.giphy.com/media/k61nOBRRBMxva/giphy.gif

  • Polytropos

    Oddly enough I was thinking of going as Hunter S. Thompson too, but Jesus on a dinosaur is an awesome idea!

  • johnsoncatman

    I was thinking that the handcuffs would make it harder to drink the beverages of your choice.

  • WallofSleep

    It makes drinking two at a time less complicated, though.

  • Andrea Fitzgerald

    Hysterical!

  • Jezebel’sOlderSister

    We’ll take your word for it. 😀

  • Jezebel’sOlderSister

    OMG — I LOVE that broach! What is it with British/Welsh/Scottish women and broaches? My Naina (Welsh) had dozens of them. When she died, there were plenty for everyone to share (I kept a few).

  • Jezebel’sOlderSister

    Not really Atheistic, but I’m going for a haunted castle vibe on my front porch (it’s 10 X 18). Complete with skeleton dragon, which will be guarding the candy, huge, scary spiders, and I’ll be dressed as a witch queen — complete with crown and very real sword!

  • NikkiofAmystika

    I’m a Christian who is unafraid to keep myself abreast of the seedy underbelly of my faith. I also love wordplay, clever costumes, The Book of Mormon musical, and opportunities to mock Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort. As such, 1, 4, 9, and 10 sound really funny. I’m not dressing as any of these, though-I bought a Hogwarts tee with attached Deathly Hallows-patterned cape and I have a Harry Potter making-of book with paper Death Eater masks included in an envelope in the back, so I’m going to be a Hogwarts student-turned-Death Eater this year.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    Joseph Smith went commando on the day of his arrest, and look how he ended up.

  • Noah drunked and naked.

    Queen Jezebel

    The Whore of Babylon (the Beast she’s riding is harder)