Enter to Win These Hilarious Books About The Bible

Enter to Win These Hilarious Books About The Bible November 20, 2019

I don’t have a whole lot of time to read these days. My workload has just exploded in the last few months. Between that and running my household, I’m completely spent by 9 pm every night at the latest. I always have a book going on my Kindle app that I read once I hop into bed at night, but I usually get just one or two sentences in and fall asleep. Not because the story is boring or anything, but because I’m just that damned tired. 

I wish I had more time to read. I have a mountain of books I want to consume, but I can’t seem to get through one in less than a month, just because I’m reading a couple of sentences per day before I’m off to snoozonia. 

So, when people contact me asking me to read their book and review it, I am reluctant to say yes. I mean, I want to read all of your books so badly, but at the same time, I don’t want to let you down, you know? I can’t seem to guarantee I’ll get around to it. 

Side note: my hairier half once cut out a round piece of wood, wrote “to it” on it and handed it to me the next time I said, “when you get around to it.” He takes dad jokes to a whole new level. Don’t worry; he gets repaid in an abundance of groans.

A few months ago, though, an author named J.R. Eldridge got in touch with me and offered to send me a couple of his books. J.R. is the author of the MisreadBible series of books. These books are a humorous reimagining of the Bible and seemed like an entertaining read. I didn’t know if I would be able to get around to reading it, but with J.R. offering a Christmas edition, I thought these would be great books to give away to you guys for the holidays. To my joy, J.R. agreed and sent me three each. 

The thing is, kiddos, I got these books in the mail last week on the same day I had a couple of friends over for drinks and Catan. I had the books resting on my coffee table as we threw the dice and descended deeper and deeper into a giddy stupor. At some point, we decided to bring out the liqueur my brother had brought me from Mallorca, and things just took a turn from there. Three of us just devolved into bumbling, giggly drunk buffoons while their designated driver quietly mounted an epic offence on the gameboard. We didn’t even notice she was kicking our proverbial behinds until the final blow had been dealt. Post-defeat, we said goodbye to our friends, who had tiny babies that needed to get home to sleep, and turned back to the living room to lick our Catan wounds. That’s when I picked up A MisreadBible Christmas. With Túnel de Mallorca on my breath, still, I proceeded to laugh my way through every page.  

Okay, this isn’t just a funny book, guys, and it’s not just the herby liqueur talking. I picked it up again the next day when mommy was bright and sober. This book is downright hilarious. Within the first few pages, we’re discussing God’s ability to impregnate Mary anally, and by the end, we’ve read a poem about baby batter. Yes, baby batter. That is precisely what it sounds like. 

In case you hadn’t sorted it out, these books are not for the precious.

The great news, kiddos, is that I get to give a couple of these books away to you guys. I have four physical copies to give away because sorry, J.R. I’m keeping a set to myself. I am going to give two bundles away. Each will contain MisreadBible: Genesis and A MisreadBible Christmas. 

I also have two copies of the MisreadBible: Genesis audiobook to give away. 

To enter to win these hilarious books in time for Christmas, leave a comment down below with your favourite Bible-related joke or share the post on Twitter with your joke and me tagged in it (@godless_mom). Next Friday, the 29th of November, I will pick a winner based on the comments/jokes I liked best! 

In the meantime, if you would like to purchase J.R.’s hilarious books, you can grab them here: 

MisreadBible: Genesis

A MisreadBible Christmas

MisreadBible: Genesis Audiobook

Thank you, J.R., for writing these funny books and giving them away with me. 

You can check out more from J.R. on his website here and follow him on Twitter here

Want to run a giveaway using your book? Get in touch: mommy@godlessmom.com

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  • Raging Bee

    Don’t worry; he gets repaid in an abundance of groans.

    Um…phrasing?!

  • tatortotcassie

    So, this one is long and I had to copy and paste it from https://epiac1216.wordpress.com/2008/10/24/joke-the-pope-and-the-rabbi/ because I can never remember the whole thing, but it is one of my favorite religious jokes ever.

    Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
    The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.

    On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

    Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

    Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

    With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

    Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had me beaten & I couldn’t continue.”

    Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked.

    “I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we’re staying right here.”

    “And then what?” asked a woman.

    “Who knows?” said Moishe, “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

  • TheBookOfDavid

    Courtney is considering both tweets and comments posted under this article. Your joke is still a contender.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf one day. At the ninth hole, Jesus prepares to clear a large water trap. He pulls out a chipping wedge to make his shot.

    Moses says, “You’re going to lose your ball in the drink with that move.”

    Jesus retorts, “I saw Tiger Woods make this shot, and I am sure I can pull it off too.” But when Jesus swings, the ball predictably pops high in the air, and dunks right in the center of the hazard.

    Moses is a good sport, and parts the waters without so much as a “told you so”. They approach another water barrier on the sixteenth. Jesus reaches for his chipping wedge once again.

    Moses exclaims, “What are you doing? Haven’t you learned anything from the last time?” Jesus calmly replies, “If Tiger Woods can make this shot, so can I.” Moses stalks off the green in frustration. An observer points to the man walking on water to find his ball, and asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is: Jesus Christ?”

    Moses rolls his eyes and sighs, “Worse. Tiger Woods.”

  • Amanda

    One day a man set out to repaint his barn. He bought the paint and started painting but about halfway in he realized he did not have enough paint to finish. Rather than buy more he thinned out the paint and carried on. The day that he finished, a huge storm blew in with fierce rain and wind and the new paint was washed away from the barn. Seeing all of his hard work erased, the man sank to his knees and cried out in frustration – “Why God! Now what shall I do?” And to his surprise, a voice from the heavens boomed out “REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!”

  • PDF

    According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

    Anyone else think they might be following the wrong guy?

  • J. R. Eldridge
  • Raging Bee

    Downvoted ‘cuz your puns are even worse than mine!

  • Rational Human

    Knock-knock
    Who’s there?
    Jesus, let me in.
    Why?
    So I can save you.
    Save me from what?
    From what I will do to you if you don’t let me in!

  • Rational Human

    Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don’t recognize the Pope, and Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.

  • Rational Human

    How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip?

    Invite another Baptist along.

  • guerillasurgeon

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scummmm!” and pushed him off.
    Edit. Well one worked at least. Don’t worry about sending me the books if I win. Probably cost far too much to post them to NZ anyway.:)

  • Jim Jones

    A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
    St. Peter asks, “Religion?”
    The man says, Episcopalian.”
    St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
    Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.
    “Religion?”
    “Baptist.”
    “Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
    A third man arrives at the gates.
    “Religion?”
    “Jewish.”
    “Go to room 11. But be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
    The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why do I have to be quiet when I pass room 8?”
    St. Peter shrugs, “Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.”

  • Jim Jones

    An American, a Scotsman and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

    “Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scotsman and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

    “That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

    “Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scotsman had him down to $25 and the Canadian was saying the government should pay.”

  • Maltnothops

    This is actually true. Pre-internet, I would pore over classified ads in the local small town paper. Mostly I was looking for stuff in the “for sale” section that I thought I might be able to turn a small profit on. I came across this ad: “Large, white family Bible. Never been used. $10”

  • Rational Human

    The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn’t play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, “What’s it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I’ll be back in time for services.”

    Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God. Moses said, “Look how terrible — a Jew on Yom Kippur. And even worse! A rabbi!”

    God replied “Watch. I’m going to teach him a lesson.”

    The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!

    Seeing all this, Moses protested. “God, is this how you’re going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!”

    “Sure,” said God, “but who’s he going to tell?”

  • persephone

    I like Emo Philips version.

  • persephone

    This one is older than dirt:

    Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up? People might think they’re dancing.

  • persephone

    FYI, this will probably fall flat, because it requires a bit of extra knowledge, but what the heck:

    John dies and ends up at the Pearly Gates. John had been a very good man, charitable, kind, helpful, but had never belonged to a particular faith, so St. Peter personally takes him on a tour of heaven and gives him the option to choose the heaven he prefers.

    As they walk down a long, hotel-style hallway, Peter opens the first door and there’s a beautiful chorus singing God’s praises in Latin while surrounded by a supernatural glow; Peter says, “This is Catholic heaven.”

    At the next door, Peter says, “The Episcopalians are in here,” and opens a door to a near duplicate of the Catholic heaven, but the chorus is singing in English.

    The next door opens to the Baptists, who seem to be spending their time lounging while watching people burning in Hell and laughing.

    They continue down the corridor for a bit, opening and viewing the various heavens, then Peter puts his finger to his mouth, says, “Shh,” and tiptoes past a door. They continue down the corridor, passing not only Christian heavens, but heavens conceived by other faiths. At the end, they turn around and head back towards the Gates.

    They chat a bit, until they reach the door they had tiptoed past before. Again, Peter holds his finger to his lips and tiptoes past.

    They get back to the Gates and Peter asks John if he’s decided where he wants to spend eternity. John asks for some time to think, then asks, “What was behind the door we didn’t open?”

    Peter says, “That’s the door to the 144,000 of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They think they’re the only ones up here.”