Happy holidays and Merry Christmas, heathens. I know this is a little bit late, but if you read my previous post, you’ll know why. Things are slowly getting back to normal, and so it is time to pick winners for the MisreadBible giveaway.
I asked you to share with me some of your favourite religious jokes, and you did not disappoint. Here are some of my favourites.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had me beaten & I couldn’t continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked.
“I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, we’re staying right here.”
“And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Moishe, “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”
Here’s one from digital bookworm:
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.
“Who are you?” the burglar asks.
“Moses,” the bird replied.
“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.
“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
This one from guerillasurgeon made me laugh so hard:
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson’s Nails.
“Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with a tape.”
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin “Use Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Wilson goes mad shouting: “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says ‘Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything’.
Wilson is beside himself. “You don’t understand: I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says ‘If only we had used Wilson’s Nails!’.
Here’s one from Rational Human:
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn’t play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, “What’s it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I’ll be back in time for services.”
Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God. Moses said, “Look how terrible — a Jew on Yom Kippur. And even worse! A rabbi!”
God replied “Watch. I’m going to teach him a lesson.”
The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!
Seeing all this, Moses protested. “God, is this how you’re going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!”
“Sure,” said God, “but who’s he going to tell?”
And another from Rational Human:
Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don’t recognize the Pope, and Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
TheBookOfDavid posted this one:
Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf one day. At the ninth hole, Jesus prepares to clear a large water trap. He pulls out a chipping wedge to make his shot.
Moses says, “You’re going to lose your ball in the drink with that move.”
Jesus retorts, “I saw Tiger Woods make this shot, and I am sure I can pull it off too.” But when Jesus swings, the ball predictably pops high in the air, and dunks right in the center of the hazard.
Moses is a good sport, and parts the waters without so much as a “told you so”. They approach another water barrier on the sixteenth. Jesus reaches for his chipping wedge once again.
Moses exclaims, “What are you doing? Haven’t you learned anything from the last time?” Jesus calmly replies, “If Tiger Woods can make this shot, so can I.” Moses stalks off the green in frustration. An observer points to the man walking on water to find his ball, and asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is: Jesus Christ?”
Moses rolls his eyes and sighs, “Worse. Tiger Woods.”
and then because you guys really seem to like golf, Brian Curtis posted this one:
Jesus, Moses, and a third guy are playing another 18 holes the next weekend. On the water hazard, Moses hooks right into the pond. He calmly lifts his hand to part the water, walks down to his ball, and knocks it onto the green. Jesus and the third man just roll their eyes.
Jesus takes his shot, but it also hooks just barely into the water. Jesus smirks, strolls out onto the surface of the pond, sticks his club below the surface, and scoops it out onto the green. This time Moses and the third guy do the eye-rolling.
Then Guy #3 makes a beautiful shot, but it falls short and rolls back into the pond just at the far edge. Before it can sink out of sight, a catfish surfaces and snatches the ball in its mouth. Flicking its tail, it turns and prepares to dive again, but just then, a hawk circling overhead dives down to catch its lunch. It makes the strike and takes off with the catfish in its talons. As it passes over the green, the catfish thrashes once, dropping the golf ball, which bounces once, twice… and then rolls right into the cup.
Jesus turns to the third guy in exasperation. “Okay, Dad… are you gonna screw around, or are you gonna play golf?”
Here’s one from Tim B,
Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. “Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life have earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.”
St. Peter continued: “You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?”
“Well, yes,” the Pope replied. “I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts that recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time.”
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity’s relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: “There’s an ‘R’. There’s an ‘R.’ There’s an ‘R’… It’s CELIBRATE, not celibate!”
Amanda shared this one:
One day a man set out to repaint his barn. He bought the paint and started painting but about halfway in he realized he did not have enough paint to finish. Rather than buy more he thinned out the paint and carried on. The day that he finished, a huge storm blew in with fierce rain and wind and the new paint was washed away from the barn. Seeing all of his hard work erased, the man sank to his knees and cried out in frustration – “Why God! Now what shall I do?” And to his surprise, a voice from the heavens boomed out “REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!”
Here’s one from Persephone:
John dies and ends up at the Pearly Gates. John had been a very good man, charitable, kind, helpful, but had never belonged to a particular faith, so St. Peter personally takes him on a tour of heaven and gives him the option to choose the heaven he prefers.
As they walk down a long, hotel-style hallway, Peter opens the first door and there’s a beautiful chorus singing God’s praises in Latin while surrounded by a supernatural glow; Peter says, “This is Catholic heaven.”
At the next door, Peter says, “The Episcopalians are in here,” and opens a door to a near duplicate of the Catholic heaven, but the chorus is singing in English.
The next door opens to the Baptists, who seem to be spending their time lounging while watching people burning in Hell and laughing.
They continue down the corridor for a bit, opening and viewing the various heavens, then Peter puts his finger to his mouth, says, “Shh,” and tiptoes past a door. They continue down the corridor, passing not only Christian heavens, but heavens conceived by other faiths. At the end, they turn around and head back towards the Gates.
They chat a bit, until they reach the door they had tiptoed past before. Again, Peter holds his finger to his lips and tiptoes past.
They get back to the Gates and Peter asks John if he’s decided where he wants to spend eternity. John asks for some time to think, then asks, “What was behind the door we didn’t open?”
Peter says, “That’s the door to the 144,000 of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They think they’re the only ones up here.”
Persephone also shared this one:
Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up? People might think they’re dancing.
Another from Rational Human:
How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip?
Invite another Baptist along.
Here’s one from Jim Jones:
An American, a Scotsman and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scotsman and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”
“That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scotsman had him down to $25 and the Canadian was saying the government should pay.”
And finally, this one sums up the ridiculousness of religion pretty well. From guerillasurgeon:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scummmm!” and pushed him off.
It’s hard to choose a favourite because they all made me laugh, and there are loads more to be found on Twitter and Facebook. I have to choose two to receive the physical copies and two to receive the audiobooks and I chose:
guerillasurgeon – Wilson’s Nails was my absolute favourite. I know you said don’t bother sending anything, but I am going to give you the audiobook. So, too bad!
Thanks to everyone for entering. If you didn’t win but you still want to grab these books, you can get the MisreadBible: Genesis here and the MisreadBible: Christmas here. I will be in touch to send out prizes!
I’m writing a book addressing the many reasons believers distrust atheists. I’m around 40,000 words in! If you want to help me get it done, you can support me by donating here or becoming a patron here.