9 Reasons I Probably Couldn’t Be Friends With Jesus

9 Reasons I Probably Couldn’t Be Friends With Jesus February 10, 2020

Yesterday morning I got this note in my inbox:

Hello Godless,

I saw you speak of your non-profit work on Instagram. I just thought I would write to you to tell you that you’re the sort of person Jesus would want to befriend. If you open your heart and accept Him, He’ll be the best friend you ever had.

Either way, He will always love you,

Sincerely, anonymous.

*blink*

Um. So, coming from a non-religious background, this note is equally as insane-sounding as one that read like this:

Hello Godless,

Yesterday I was speaking to Abraham Lincoln, and he wanted me to tell you that he wishes you were friends. If you would open your heart and let him in, Abe could be the best friend you ever had.

Sincerely, anonymous

Here’s the thing about dead people, anon: they don’t make friends. Even in fiction, dead people don’t make friends. In the Walking Dead, they’ll follow you around for a morsel of flesh. In every horror movie, they make life miserable for you after a particularly idyllic moving day. Even Lestat wants to suck your blood, charming as he may be. The dead simply do not make friends.

But, for the sake of conversation, let’s pretend that “Jesus wants to be your friend” isn’t as insane as saying, “Kellyanne Conway really makes me think.” Let’s pretend that Jesus is out there somewhere wishing I was his friend. This begs the question, why the heck would I want to be his? Here are just some of the issues I would have to put up with:

1. Victim complex. Jesus wants us to thank him still, 2000 years later, for taking a weekend retreat in a cave. Imagine what the weirdo would be like with the flu? Or a hangover? You think man-flu was unbearable? Wait until you see son-of-god-flu. I’d be willing to bet Jesus shuts down all your gripes with, “Oh, you’re having a bad day? Try being crucified”. When you got upset at him, he’d rub his thorny crown scars and pout, “after what I’ve done for you…”. This is about as appealing as a new season of Charmed.

Creative Commons – Makeameme.org

2. No Game of Thrones. The first season is a glorious mess of full-frontal girl-on-girl, soft-core porn. This is something that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Jesus, however, would likely be brought to tears at the sight of drunken Tyrion in a brothel about to ride a carousel of full-breasted, toothless redheads. Not to mention the fact that the sexual frustration he’s already dealing with from being Daddy’s little good dude would be exacerbated, and who knows how it might manifest? I’d fear for my dog’s innocence, that’s for sure.

3. Delusions of Grandeur. How much fun can be had with someone who insists he is the son of god? It’s like how I imagine a friendship with Kim Jong Un might go. Always walking on eggshells, hoping you don’t say the wrong thing. I mean, in the back of your mind, you couldn’t help but wonder, when’s this nutter gonna snap and murder me with a crucifix? Imagine introducing him to your other friends and explaining it away:

“Sure, he thinks he’s the son of God, but wait until you taste his buffalo wings.”

3. Confusion as to what constitutes “wine.” I can just picture us now, sitting at the bench at Sushi Kojo, waiting for our steaming bowls of red ramen. Suddenly his holiness grabs my water glass, waves his hands about like an interpretive dancer and then shouts, “voila!” He slides my water glass back to me, winks and says, “enjoy your wine!” The thing is, it’s still goddamned water because, as you and I are fully aware, miracles and magic are not real things. How do I order a real wine in that situation without triggering his insecurities and sending him into a spiral of despair? No, thank you very much, but I think I’ll stick with my friends who bring a real bottle of wine everywhere we go. Heck, sometimes it’s even Fireball, and we all know how Jeeby would feel about his new buddy sipping the elixir of the devil. Too much drama for me, thanks.

4. He’d question my clothing choices. I like cleavage, you like cleavage, you like my cleavage, I like that you like my cleavage and I’d love to see your cleavage. The subtle hint of boobie brings great joy to the world around us, but if Jesus is my buddy, you know I’m getting turtlenecks for my birthday. I’d get so sick and tired of him grumping about the female form being detectable that I’d appease his asinine wishes. Or I’d tell him to bug off. I think you know which choice GM would make.

5. Constant magic tricks. Have you ever been out with a budding magician? You know the sort I’m talking about… the kind that can’t help but ruin a night at the pub with his constant, “Pick a card, any card…”. The sort of fella who thinks his underwhelming tricks are going to get him laid, with that smug look on his face, but you know that everyone around him is just cringing hard? Yeah, that’s what a night on the town with Jeeby would be. Between pints, this Daddy’s boy would insist on slapping down a raw fish where the breadbasket used to be or dragging the crowd out to the river to watching him “walk on water.” Everyone would be able to tell he’s just strategically placed himself, thinking he’s created an illusion. The groans and moans all night would lead to the truly enjoyable people checking out with a “Well, I gotta bounce. I have a thing in the morning!”. The next day, you wake up to a dozen texts that read, “What’s that guy’s deal?” and every outing after that would be met with all the same people asking, “Is Jesus going?”. Nope. No one needs that friend.

6. He would not appreciate my language choices. I mean, aside from my heavy use of cuss words, I use Jesus’ name in vain a lot. I’d say a good ten times a day, I can be heard shouting, “Oh, for the love of sweet baby Jesus in a birdbath!” or “F**cking Jesus, son of Mary mother of F**cking Christ.” My creativity with cursing and blasphemy is a point of pride. Nothing else works to vent my frustration at toe stubs, coffee spills, nicking my finger while chopping mushrooms, etc. I really don’t think Jesus would appreciate that, and I’d expect to be smote on more than one occasion. I can always tell who my real friends are by who joins in on the blasphemy.

7. Pre-Deodorant Era. In all the Jeeby pictures I’ve seen, the guy looks like he smells. Let’s face it, the dude comes from a time when sanitation was not a thing; when deodorant was 1800 years away from being invented; when there wasn’t even shampoo. Does the guy adjust to the times? According to all the likenesses made of him, the answer is no. So, we’re talking about a 2000-year-old dead dude who never once wore deodorant or appropriately washed. Yeah. No way I’m hittin’ the Olive Garden with that freak.

8. Open-toed sandals. I don’t like toes. I don’t like your toes; I don’t like his toes or her toes; I don’t like their toes. I especially don’t like the toes of a dead man. Sorry, Jesus, but I just can’t get down with your dead zombie toes hanging out all the time. If it even crosses your mind to cover them up with the Nickelback of footwear, socks and Birkies, you’re dead to me. Wait…

9. He would demand worship. You see, this is simply not how friendship works. When one friend worships another, this is a power dynamic, not a friendship. I’d no sooner worship my friends than I would leave my kid alone with a priest. A relationship between friends requires give-and-take, and I don’t consider losing a weekend 2000 years ago much in the way of giving. Jeeboner, you’re going to have to try better than that, I’m afraid.

As you can see, it would be pretty tricky for me to be friends with Jesus for various reasons. Of course, none of these trump the most important reason of all: Dude’s been dead a bit, and dead people struggle with making friends.

Sorry, Jeeby! Friendship’s off!

Why can’t you be friends with Jesus? Tell me in the comments!

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • “How much fun can be had with someone who insists he is the son of god?
    It’s like how I imagine a friendship with Kim Jong Un might go. Always
    walking on eggshells, hoping you don’t say the wrong thing.”

    Exactly. You do not want to mess with Kim Jong Un you puny insignificant mortal.

    https://youtu.be/jRlph5QmqpU

  • Jim Jones
  • Raging Bee

    Tyrion, s3xually frustrated? He NEVER had a problem getting laid. The only woman who ever said no to him was the one he didn’t want to knock up per his daddy’s wishes.

  • Jim Jones

    America. What is wrong with you?

    “You wouldn’t think you’d go to jail over medical bills”:

    County in rural Kansas is jailing people over unpaid medical debt

  • Art Davison

    It would be quite frustrating as he doesn’t speak English and I don’t understand Aramaic.

  • Bob Jase

    Not to forget his inability to talk about anything but himself except for bad imitation Aesop’s fables.

  • flexilis

    Pre-deodorant Era. It was also the pre-toilet paper era. Just sayin’…

  • Polytropos

    The Jeez clearly has anger management issues. I mean, come on, cursing a fig tree for not having fruit when it isn’t even fig season? I don’t need that kind of s&#8203h&#8203it in my life thank you very much.

  • I once hurled an imprecation that involved perpetual suffering in the afterlife at a high school antagonist. One of the teaching nuns happened to overhear this, and she came up to me and said, “Are we forgetting our second commandment?” I said, “No, sister. The second commandment tells us not to take the lord’s name in vain. I meant it very sincerely.” The look she gave me when I said that was priceless.

    Oh, and it is my considered opinion that Jesus isn’t a zombie, he’s a lich. Zombies are mindless and have no sense of their former human identity; liches are undead who retain the memory of their former lives.

  • Michael Neville

    Furthermore liches are undead 18th level or higher magic users or clerics. The Son o’Gawd™ is surely at least 18th level.

  • Michael Neville

    Jesus didn’t die. He spent an unpleasant afternoon hanging around the cross and then, day-and-a-half later, he’s good to go again. Not permanently dying is part of the boilerplate god contract. And since he was omniscient (that’s also part of his contract) he knew he wouldn’t be permanently dead.

  • Why? Because with friends like Him, who needs enemies…

  • Goddammit.

  • Truth, right there.

  • Jim Jones

    And this lawyer is just another leech making money off these people who are trying to pay their debts – which are 100 times higher than they should be.

  • Sassafras
  • Wan Kun Sandy

    Not to be “that guy”, but I think there are 10 reasons that you list, GM. The 3rd reasons are double there:

    “3. Delusions of Grandeur” and “3. Confusion as to what constitutes wine.”

    Anyway, Jesus’ personality isn’t even constant. The Jesus as in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are different in each gospels, and described differently. The 4 gospels looks like telling about a different character altogether in each of them, i.e. Mark’s Jesus is different from Matthew’s Jesus, different from Luke’s, and John’s, and so on. It’s almost impossible for those Jesuses to be united into a single character. So even in the gospels, Jesus’ persona isn’t even clear, and actually we’re presented with 4 different Jesuses. Worse, the gospels are the only source of information about Jesus (excluding apocryphal gospels, which even vary more widely).

  • Jennny

    I ended my longtime friendship with jesus when I confronted how cruel, brutal and genocidal the bible is. And how capricious my (imaginary) friend’ was. I could be going about my church volunteer work, jesusing my socks off one minute, and bam, out of the blue, he could cause my house to burn down (pathetically sparing that nativity scene on the shelf or my bible.) And have him tell me it was all part of his glorious personal plan for me, so I must go on praising him. He could wave his magic wand and help me find lost keys or a parking spot…so trivially..when prayers for world peace, the starving to be fed, sick babies not to die…were never answered.

  • kaydenpat

    Unbelievable.

  • Mutale

    he was sexually frustrated after killing shae

  • Bob Jase

    I have no respect for a lich whose lair is just a hole in the ground,

  • Raging Bee

    He had FAR bigger problems than lack of sex by then. (And don’t even get me started on how stupid and self-defeating that was — he could have just told her “I have to marry Sansa, but I still love you, so I still want you as my mistress.” And Sansa didn’t want Tyrion, so she’d have had no problem with such an arrangement.

  • phatkhat

    Well, I guess we can’t be friends. I wear flip flops year round. But I really need some tabi socks for winter…

  • bill wald

    How do you choose your friends? My very few friends understand “off the record” means this conversation never occurred.

    On the other hand, I have never had a problem talking with strangers at a bar, any neutral location.

  • Dirty Heathen

    You forgot 10.

    All his other friends really suck. They’re extremely judgmental and are constantly trying to find ways of undermining each other. It seems like they’re making up new rules daily on who is allowed to be friends with Jesus.

  • Dhammarato Atheist

    He might have had a word with the High Priest about moving the money changers out of the Temple to make room for more dead animals (sacrifices), But NO, JC had to throw a tantrum. If he were my friend I’d tell him to cool it or he might get nailed.

  • rationalobservations?

    As there is no historical evidence of the existence of Jesus, friendship with a fictional character is off the list of possible options.

    The only historical “Messiah” was the second century Jewish rebellion leader “Simon Christ” (Simon bar Kochbah) who was recognised (briefly) in Rabbinical circles as “the” Messiah and left actual tangible authentic and original first hand historical evidence of his existence and exploits.

  • Bob Jase

    If Jesus’s dad aka himself hadn’t demanded all those dead animals and hadn’t required specific collarbone of that mess would have been needed.

  • Connie Beane

    “Either way, He will always love you.”

    If this is true, or even if they just believe it’s true, why do they get their u n d i e s in a bunch when someone decides that they don’t want or need to be besties with Jesus? Really. Because too often when you tell them “no, thanks” or just fail to respond enthusiastically they suddenly turn around and start threatening you with hellfire and damnation because you’ve “refused” to “accept” Jesus as Lord and Savior (or just Savior, I forget which it is). Or maybe their version of Jesus is a stalker boyfriend who insists he “loves” you even while he’s beating you up.

  • Jim Jones

    He’s like one of Trump’s criminal conspirators. The fix is in, thanks to the crooked Barr and corrupt ‘Justice’ Department.

  • Anwyn

    1. Can’t be friends with someone who is so obsessed with figs he cursed a fig tree for not having fruit on it. Figs are horrible, as anyone who has ever parked under one will tell you.

    2. He can magic two loaves and five fishes into enough food for thousands of people, but he can’t miracle up a few apple turnovers? A little salad? Something to go on the bread for the vegetarians?
    3. He’s racist against Samaritans.
    4. He’s totally a dude-bro, with very few female friends, and those he has wait on him hand and foot, which he accepts as completely cool and ok.
    5. I’ve learned to avoid narcissists.

  • guerillasurgeon

    Quora has a subset of Christians who post gotcha questions. One of the milder versions is something like “Have you ever opened your heart to Jesus?” Or something similar. Some of the people answering have the patience of a saint – but then you’re not allowed to be too sarcastic on Quora.

  • monkeymen111

    Jesus when he was on Earth, because there is historical proof that he was here. He ate with the tax collectors and prostitutes. He loves everyone regardless of what they have done, because we have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God (Romans 3:23). Including myself. And while we were still sinners Christ died for us taking on the sins of the world. He loves you all, have a good day.

  • guerillasurgeon

    If he loves everyone, why wouldn’t he do something about this? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f0e2337e1bb7b191a3f036f68297d96dc0e423f53eba91e2e7497cde01eccc21.png
    He has the power. If I had the power I’d do something about it, because it’s the ethical thing to do. So either your God is powerless, or unethical.
    Incidentally, this is the atheist section, so quoting the Bible doesn’t do a great deal. We don’t believe in it you see.

  • TheLizardOfOz

    What proof do you offer, historical or otherwise, that Jesus existed?
    Contemporary historians never mention him. A handful of later historians mention the myths in passing, or mention the ‘tribe of christians’.
    The gospel accounts were written decades after his purported death, by anonymous authors who copied from one another, but still managed to contradict each other. The most proliferate author in the new testament (Saul/Paul) never met Jesus.
    I’d like to see your proof.

  • Mutale

    “And while we were still sinners Christ died for us ”

    nice of him to give up his weekend for us and if he took all the sins of the world shouldn’t we be in heaven with god already

  • TheLizardOfOz

    If you open your heart, you’ll bleed to death.

  • Bob Jase

    We should but Jesus forgot his notes on the bus.

  • Jim Jones

    > Jesus when he was on Earth, because there is historical proof that he was here.

    Prove it. You’ll get a Nobel prize for literature, and churches all over the planet will pay you handsomely for talks.

    In the entire first Christian century Jesus is not mentioned by a single Greek or Roman historian, religion scholar, politician, philosopher or poet. His name never occurs in a single inscription, and it is never found in a single piece of private correspondence. Zero! Zip references!

    ― Bart D. Ehrman

  • Jim Jones

    > Of course, none of these trump the most important reason of all: Dude’s been dead a bit.

    According to the myths. The reality is, he never lived. He was the Slender Man of the age.

  • Thanks4AllTheFish

    Love bombing is really rude, dude. Ask for consent next time.

  • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

    🙁

  • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

    Bushwah.

    Demonstrate that this ‘jesus’ ever existed, much less performed supernatural actions, before you make such silly claims.

  • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

    Not to mention that this ‘god’ set up humanity to be ‘sinners’ before blaming US.

  • Kevin R. Cross

    After 2000 years, might have advanced to Demi-Lich. Those bastards are really hard to get rid of!

  • Cozmo the Magician

    Guy has Daddy AND Mommy ‘issues’. My mom was so perfect she was a viiiirguuun when she gave birth. My dad is so awesome he made the WHOLE UNIVERSE.

    Guy was and IS ALWAYS broke. And ALWAYS demanding money.
    Can’t cook. His ONE and ONLY recipe is bread and raw fish.
    Can never make up his mind. ‘Love you parents…’ ‘Hate your parents and follow me’ (see mom & dad issues above..)

    Oh and of course the main reason, he dont foooking exist and never did.

  • Cozmo the Magician

    because there is historical proof that he was here
    BEEE ESS. But go ahead, make my decade, SHOW ME PROOF that he existed. ACTUAL proof. Not some sheet somebody said decades or centuries after his alleged life. SHOW ME PROOF.

  • MaiFleur

    In the real world, he’d get crucified. Again.