On Feeling Love For Jesus, Really, For Real, From Your Heart

I’ll lead with an answer to a question because I don’t want to sound prideful at all: I had not. So now, here’s the question:

Have you ever felt – I mean, really FELT – actual love – I mean, that emotional sensation – come out of your heart… towards Jesus?

Love from my head

As of this writing, I’m about 3/4 of the way through reading the entire Bible for the 2nd time over the course of almost 2 years. Every time I come across a love-related verse, I nod my head in agreement.

A classic: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (1 Corinthians 13:4 NIV)

A command: “And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:39 NIV)

A challenge: “and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:19 NIV) 

These 3 examples, out of so many possible ones, make perfect sense in my head. I understand each word, the sentences are clear, and I can grasp their meanings.

But I noticed something about a month ago. My head felt full of the knowledge of love for God. And my heart was starting to feel something like love for certain “neighbors” who were hard for me to feel love towards.

But my heart felt… a void of love – a lack of an actual sensation of love – for God Himself.

Panic in my being

I was baptized exactly a year-and-a-half ago, and my journey since then has been nothing short of miraculous overall. Truly, I went from being a hater of “all that Christian crap” to an active servant in, not one, but 2 churches.

I thought I was on the right path, on His right path. So, therefore, I must love God, of course. I knew this. Or I thought I knew this. But when I really stopped and asked myself about it, I couldn’t feel anything that I could legit describe as real love towards God actually in my heart. Sure, I had experienced some intense moments when God came very close to me, and I could feel His goodness. But actual love towards Him? It was really all in my head ONLY.

I panicked.

Begging and pleading from my soul

How could this be? I asked God. What has gone wrong in my Christian formation? I asked Jesus. Aren’t you supposed to be inside me? I asked the Holy Spirit.

I could see and hear answers to other questions, but I felt that God was being cruelly mute on these.

So I did a knee-jerk, brainiac thing. I started doing a zillion different devotionals and started reading a zillion different books to try to figure out how I could get some love for God into my heart. The month felt frantic, like I was trying to weave far too many different threads into a beautiful tapestry – but all I had were fistfuls of random, uncoordinated, tangled-up strings and knots.

In my prayers I felt like I was begging and pleading from my soul, for my very soul. And I was.

The actual, really, for real, wave of love from my heart

Three nights ago, I met for the first time the adult daughter of one of my dearest friends from school. We had planned dinner and then a stroll for dessert in a mutual fave neighborhood. I was so excited.

I drove to Larchmont Village with the radio off, which I’d been doing recently in order to fully acknowledge Jesus as my driving companion. What, no worship music to sing along to? I have to say, that has been, perhaps, the one truly good thing I’ve done this month.

A caress: Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:8)

The second part of this verse from 1 John was a little bit in my head during the drive. Not in a heavy way; it was just kind of bouncing around in the passenger seat.

Dinner and dessert were beyond lovely, and I drove home in contented silence. I had made a new friend, discovered a new fave Thai place, had talked just a bit about my faith with no expectations at all, and I simply loved the whole experience.

I approached the bridge that’s the final approach to home. When you drive on it, it’s like riding the crest of a giant wave. It was about 10:20 PM, there was no one else around on the entire bridge, and I was simply noticing how truly lovely the historic streetlights were. It was like they were tall buoys lined up in 2 orderly rows on that wave. Pretty. Peaceful. Perfect.

And then it happened.

The buoys seemed to wave extra, as if the wave-bridge became a bigger wave, and the buoys were tossed higher than normal. And then a wave of such intense love came at me and over me in that moment, with the essence of Jesus enveloping the whole thing… I was willing to get drenched, even drown, by all that love.

Love for Jesus, from Jesus, surpassing knowledge

For however many moments it took for me to drive over the bridge, I just… held on to the wheel – but distinctly without gripping – and trusted like I’ve never trusted before. I still don’t quite have an English word to properly express that level, or that quality, of trust.

I can say that the trust came from the love. And when I received that love, a new kind, or level, or intensity, of love came from my heart. Outward, toward Jesus.

It certainly was an experience beyond my brainiac efforts. And it has stayed with me. Really, for real.