My husband suffers from depression. He is willing to talk about it freely now. When we dated and got married, there were no signs. Sure we had our struggles. He didn’t share his feelings, but he was a man. He was taught not to. One day, life just got to be too much. He could no longer cope. What do you do when the one you love begins to disappear into the shadows of depression?
Many marriages struggle silently. Each spouse is too embarrassed to talk about the afflictions that overwhelm them. The National Institute of Health tells us that about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and older is affected with a major depression in a given year. Because depression causes other issues, it can lead to divorce when it is not addressed. Focus is placed on the problems, but not the underlying cause of depression or the depression itself.
Faith can be an anchor in dark times. When suffering from depression, it can be extremely difficult to see the light through the darkness. It can also be difficult to hold on to faith when you are the spouse of someone with depression. There have been some limited studies in this area. Faith can help.
Recognizing Depression in a Marriage
You must first recognize depression. It might look like isolation, irritability, hopelessness, fatigue and lack of interest. We often take our spouse for granted so it is imperative to really pay attention to attitudes and behaviors. With my own husband who suffers from depression, the symptoms are often cyclical. Becoming physically disabled later in life made his depression worse. Watching for signs of less activity (these may look normal to outsiders) and overall mood changes keeps me aware. Also there is usually a change in sleep patterns.
What often appears as a lack of interest or just an uncaring attitude can be signs of depression. Showing signs of confusion, hurt and/or helplessness can be the beginning of a downward spiral. It is important for both spouses to stay grounded when things feel shaky. Take comfort in Psalm 34:18, “The righteous cry out, the LORD hears and he rescues them from all their afflictions.” (usccb.org)
Where Faith Lies in Marriage
Remember that God is the third strand in the marriage covenant. Ecclesiastes 4:12 reads, “Where one alone may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken.” (usccb.org) There is strength to help us overcome when we have a strong foundation of faith in God as well as love and faith in each other.
Payer and spiritual intimacy are important when emotional intimacy is difficult. Oftentimes people with depression will withdraw from others. The spouse may feel neglected and unloved when in reality, the one suffering from depression is merely trying to survive. Spend time in prayer. Whenever possible, pray with your depressed spouse. If they can’t join you, pray for them. We should be praying for our spouse anyway.
Remembering who God created you to be will allow you to truly love and support your spouse. Remembering your spouse’s God-given talents, even during their darkest times, will help you to truly support your spouse. Supporting your spouse as a vessel of God’s love means always offering the encouragement and acts of love they need during these difficult times.
When Depression Hits: Where Faith Goes
Depression shakes the afflicted person to their core. They feel hopeless, like there is no way out.The temptation to doubt or feel distant from God is great for the spouse. As the marital relationship is strained by the withdrawal of the depressed spouse and how their actions or lack of actions affect daily living as well as the financial well-being of the couple, faith often shrinks. They will often look for a way out of the marriage instead of a way through the depression.
Spiritual beliefs can offer comfort and hope. The feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and disconnection associated with depression are real and need to be acknowledged. It is hard for the spouse to go it alone when trying to help their depressed spouse. Always seek support and professional help whenever possible.
Holding on to God’s promises in the darkness also offers hope. Pray with the following scripture to remind you of His promises:
Psalm 23:4, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me.” (usccb.org)
Psalm 73:26, “Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever.” (usccb.org)
The Impact on the Marriage
Depression makes a great impact on marriage, especially if it is left untreated or the spouse does not understand what is happening. It can cause emotional distancing and breakdown of communication. Oftentimes, there is a loss of shared joy and intimacy as the afflicted spouse withdrawals from interactions. There is often resentment, guilt, or confusion. This can be from the depressed spouse, the other spouse or both. All of these can just make the depression worse. Letting these feelings simmer and grow can lead to divorce as each spouse “checks out” of the marriage.
As the unafflicted spouse, you may need to reframe your role. Don’t be a fixer (This was hard for me to learn.). You cannot just “fix” depression. Do become a faith-filled supporter. Educate yourself on the signs and symptoms and what appropriate help is. Be an encourager, a supporter and a source of unconditional love. Remember Ephesians 4:2, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another through love” (usccb.org)
The Ripple Effect: The Family and the Home
When there are children in the family, they are usually also affected by the parent’s depression. As stated in an article by Yale Medicine, some issues affecting children of depressed parents can be; the lack of responsiveness to a child, inappropriate parenting behaviors and even a child’s tardiness or truancy at school. How the depressed parent can or cannot function can negatively affect the child’s life including emotional growth and their education.
There is a definite need for openness that includes age-appropriate communication. Children need stability. They need to know and feel they are loved when they may not receive what is expected from a depressed parent. Whenever possible, model resilience and reliance on faith during hard times just like we are told in Proverbs 22:6, “Train the young in the way they should go; even when old, they will not swerve from it.” (usccb.org)
Seeking Help: Faith and Professional Support
Professional help is almost always needed when it comes to overcoming or coping with depression. Counseling, therapy, and spiritual support all have their place in the fight. Don’t wait until it is too late to address issues. Take notice of differences in behavior. Start conversations. Share your concerns. Most importantly, let your spouse know you love them in words and by actions.
Destigmatize getting help within faith communities. Know that God works through doctors, counselors and support systems. If your depressed spouse cannot seek help, make sure you do. The road will be rough for both of you. Remember these scripture verses:
Proverbs 15:22, “Plans fail when there is no counsel, but they succeed when advisers are many.” (usccb.org)
Galatians 6:2, “Bear one another’s burdens,and so you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (usccb.org)
Holding On: Faith for Strength and Renewal
There is light in the darkness. You can rebuild intimacy through grace, communication and hope. Just be aware of where your spouse is in their depression journey. Couple counseling may be able to help with rebuilding what may have been broken. You may need to rebuild trust and find that love that has always been there.
God uses broken places to reveal deeper love. Use the struggles to find a deeper connection. Seek understanding of the struggles your spouse is going through. Know that there is a renewal of the love and joy you experienced together before depression reared its ugly head.
The promise of restoration can be found in these scripture verses:
Isaiah 40:29, “He gives power to the faint, abundant strength to the weak.” (usccb.org)
Nehemiah 8:10, “He continued: “Go, eat rich foods and drink sweet drinks, and allot portions to those who had nothing prepared; for today is holy to our LORD. Do not be saddened this day, for rejoicing in the LORD is your strength!” (usccb.org)
A Word of Encouragement
Remember that you are not alone. Your marriage is not hopeless. Faith is not the absence of struggle, but the assurance of God’s presence in it. Let’s pray:
God, please allow couples who struggle with depression feel Your never-ending love. Help them to allow You to show them there is light in the darkness. Father, You know what they need. Nudge them to the resources you have availed to them. Let their love for each other and their love for You grow in this difficult time. We ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen. (written by Michele Gunn)
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