Jesus Was A Billionaire

Jesus Was A Billionaire January 24, 2019

Jesus  was  a  billionaire  and  here’s  convincing  proof:

  • As an infant, Jesus was gifted in gold from a traveling and colorful band of Persian Magi. Mary and Joseph wisely invested the bullion and by the time Jesus began his itinerant ministry some decades later, he was worth a fortune (in today’s terms, roughly 100 billion dollars).

  • When Jesus did begin his journey through Palestine, the devil thought to trip him up by presenting Jesus with all the world’s jewels. But since rich Jesus could have purchased all the world’s jewels without much difficulty, the temptation was easily resisted.

  • Jesus went out of his way to befriend tax collectors, which was a shrewd scheme to minimize his own tax bracket, although he encouraged bucolic yokels to willingly pay their exorbitant taxes. Enlisting the taxman Matthew among his twelve-member board of directors was one of Jesus’ masterstrokes.

  • Jesus was a vintner and sommelier of the first order, producing from drab lake water vats and vats of high quality wine, suitable for wedding parties and bar mitzvahs.

  • Jesus’ oratorical brilliance—flawless diction, crisp enunciation, and his general flair for metaphor—was the product of expensive and selective Roman schools, where Jesus hobnobbed with the children of Roman elites.

  • Jesus toured with an array of chefs, offering a surf and turf menu that effortlessly fed many thousands of Jesus’ followers who insisted on dining alfresco in the Galilean hills. Leftovers were collected each time and distributed to the homeless vagabonds of nearby villages.

  • Jesus cornered the market on perch and trout, inasmuch as he could infallibly detect when schools of fish were near to his friends’ fishing boats.

  • In addition to building a split-level hill country house with a view of Sepphoris in his home hamlet of Nazareth (complete with a woodworking shop), Jesus bought waterside acreage in Capernaum on Lake Galilee and also beach front property on the Mediterranean coast in Caesarea, not far from Pontius Pilate’s summer home.

  • These houses, at Nazareth, at  Capernaum , at Caesarea, were fabulous, and Jesus employed the best tradesmen and used the finest materials. The Caesarea beach house utilized twenty thousand travertine tiles. And the Capernaum home was made of imported Lebanese cedar and Egyptian ceramics.

  • You might recall that at his Capernaum home Jesus was not one bit annoyed when rude mechanicals tore a pallet-sized hole in his roof and ceiling. Jesus could easily absorb the cost of the repair.

  • Also at the Capernaum home, Jesus kept a large boat, and he often took his friends on sailing adventures on lake Galilee, even in inclement weather.

  • Jesus was not alarmed that a woman anointed him with very expensive oil. In fact, he seemed accustomed to that brand of oil and knew its value.

  • Jesus once told his twelve-member board of directors to go tell the ‘Fox’ King Herod what Jesus was up to. King Herod was an old family friend, a favorite of Jesus’ father Joseph, and as a boy Jesus had nicknamed Herod ‘Fox.’

  • Jesus advised his twelve-member board of directors not to carry money, by which he meant cash. Jesus, as the super-wealthy everywhere, did not carry cash and in fact he had to ask for a coin one time (an emperor-stamped denarius) when he had no pocket change.

  • Jesus famously said birds have nests but he had Nowhere to lay his head. ‘Nowhere’ was the name of a swanky west-end Jerusalem hotel.

  • Jesus attempted to evict the pretentious occupants of the Temple franchises because he was in an ownership dispute with them. (He later faced a battery charge because he had hit some of these Temple financiers with a small whip he carried just for the occasion.)

  • Jesus hosted a final and grand meal for his twelve-member board of directors in the chic upper room of a posh Jerusalem establishment.

  • Jesus promised mansions to his many followers and he was undaunted by the expense of such a scheme.

  • Throughout his life, Jesus wore luxurious shoes. His sandals were double tanned of cured camel leather and were, as suggested by his stroll upon the surface of Lake Galilee, waterproof—or at any rate water resistant.

  • Jesus’ tunics were seamless Egyptian cotton and the envy of all of Palestine, as confirmed by several Roman soldiers who threw dice to own one of Jesus’ used smocks.

  • Mark, in his recollections of Jesus’ arrest, said soldiers attired Jesus in a purple robe. But Matthew, in his account, let us know the soldiers outfitted Jesus in a red robe. In point of fact, both Mark and Matthew were correct in that Jesus had first slipped into the purple robe, but seeing that purple was not his color, he quickly asked for and received the red robe, which exploited his skin tone and his hair color and made his blue eyes pop with expression. He looked good in red and he knew it.

These examples show us that, inasmuch as Jesus was extraordinarily wealthy and in fact a billionaire, we ought to know that possessing a great deal of money is the strongest proof that God favors you, and you are thus guaranteed a lovely spot with a sparkling view in the Post-Mortem Happy Pavilion.

As Jesus might have said,  ‘It is easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom heaven.’


Pic: ‘You Never Give Me Your Money’ by Thomas Hawk, Flickr

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