How to Waste 2015

Here are some tips on how to effectively waste the New Year.

1) Spend 2015 thinking about how you failed in 2014. This is doubly effective because it both wastes your time and fools you into thinking you are practicing the spiritual discipline of repentance. The more you do it, the more you will feel compelled to do it, and the less likely you will realize what you’re doing is nothing more than godless self-loathing.

2) Designate 2015 the year you finally make those big changes. Now, there’s nothing inherently wasteful about a big change. The trick here is to think in the abstract: “I want to change in 2015” is a BIG sentiment that most people use when really what they need is a few small changes (more sleep, more prayer, less TV). It’s the little foxes that spoil the vineyard, but most people aren’t looking for them.

3) Make your progress in step #2 a test of self-worth. Tell yourself repeatedly that misery, frustration and loneliness are inevitable for a person with as many issues as you. Feel sorry for yourself, don’t think about what others are going through, and always believe that this is what true humility looks like.

4) Keep to yourself as much as possible. Netflix is more interesting than people anyway, and you can still feel sorry for yourself afterwards.

5) Don’t read a lot.

6) Whatever you pick up to read, BEFORE YOU START, take a picture with your phone and post it on social media. This has several wasteful benefits: You’ll soon learn what kind of things get you lots of “Likes” and which ones don’t (which will then influence your reading), and you’ll find point #5 considerably easier.

7) Stay indoors when possible. When not possible, always bring your smartphone and post a picture on social media. This will help prevent those awful moments of genuine reflection that blue skies and green grass tend to create.

8) Tell yourself every day that God helps those who help themselves.

9) Try not to pray too much. Don’t ever pray until you have thoroughly thought about the last few days and made sure you did nothing that God would disapprove. If you have, put prayer on hold and go do something good to make up for it, then pray.

10) Always remind yourself that Jesus’s promises might be true for other people but they’re probably not true for you. Most importantly, whatever you do, don’t remind yourself of the Gospel, and don’t allow anyone else to either.