Continuing my notes on the book. (See part 1 here.)
Chapter 1:
Beginning with a profile of Antonia Rodriguez (age 28) and boyfriend Emilio (5 years old); they live together in a home they bought 5 years ago (** median price in the neighborhood at the time: $5k). Antonia became a mom at age 14, left school at 15, unemployed and on welfare nearly the whole time since; Emilio also dropped out, one month before graduation. Antonia had moved in with Emilio’s family before she even got pregnant, as her own mom was evicted from her apt. “Despite their youth, Antonia insists she and Emilio had already planned to have children before she got pregnant, but had agreed to wait a year or two so both could get further in school” (p 29), yet they used no contraception.
In Philly, 6 of 10 births are outside of marriage, nearly half of 1st nonmarital births to teens. Why?
Relationships move quickly. Romance comes in the form, not of dreaming of a wedding, but of having children together. “In the beginning, when you first like a guy a lot, oh, you wanna have his baby,” says one mother. (p 30). And the boyfriends tell their girlfriends very quickly that they want to have a baby, too; this is a form of flattery, a compliment, praise that she’d be a good mother — and “the desire to create some sort of significant, long-lasting bond through a child.” Poor teenagers think of motherhood (and fatherhood) at an age when it’s the furthest thing from a middle-class teen’s mind; they have “an unabashed confidence that they’re up to the job of parenting” (p 32), because they’re accustomed to taking care of younger siblings or cousins.
About one in four children are explicitly intentionally conceived (1 in 4 black & Puerto Rican mothers, 1 in 10 whites) — to escape a bad home life, to provide the love of a child.
Here’s a surprising statement: “trust among residents of poor communities is astonishingly low — so low that most mothers we spoke with said they have no close friends, and many even distrust close kin.” (p 34) — making the love of a child all the more desired.
there’s also an expressed desire to get childbearing/raising “out of the way” — and a belief that waiting until age 30 is much too late. And once you’ve got one, you should have another one or two to provide siblings.
There was also pressure from boyfriends — not to have sex, but explicitly to get pregnant.
Beyond the explicitly planned babies, were the non-planned but not-avoided pregnancies — “nearly half (47%) of the mothers characterized their most recent birth as neither planned nor unplanned but somewhere in between.” (p 37). Most of the remainder (40%) said the pregnancy was “accidental” but, a further half of this group said they were not “doing anything to prevent a pregnancy.” And these are women who, not only have access to clinics but start out the relationship using condoms, or the pill or a Depo shot, and further into the relationship stop — either as a sign of commitment, or because of complaints of side effects or hassle.
In addition to the accidentally-on-purpose pregnancies, there are also women who get pregnant because it’s just one more aspect of a “high risk lifestyle” — e.g., using drugs.
“The vigilance and care that most birth control methods require are hard to maintain when women like Tasheika see so few costs to having a baby.” (p 40).
upon learning of the pregnancy, women most typically report that they were happy. Abortion is generally not an option, at least not for a generic unplanned pregnancy, without some further extreme circumstances, and adoption is out of the question.
“unlike their wealthier sisters, who have the chance to go to college and embark on careres — attractive possibilities that provide strong motivation to put off having children — poor young women grab eagerly at the surest source of accomplishment within their reach: becoming a mother.”
“children offer a tangible source of meaning, while other avenues for gaining social esteem and personal satisfaction appear vague and tenuous.” (p 49)
Chapter 2
Profile of Mahkiya Washington (age 20), boyfriend Mike, 17 month-old daughter Ebony, who live with her sister across the street from their mother. Mahkiya’s the 3rd of 5 children born to married parents, but dad died when she was 10. The pair dated in high school; they went to college (though he later dropped out), they had sex without contraception, but with her assurance she’d get an abortion if needed. Upon getting pregnant, though, she felt compelled to keep the child, despite Mike’s pressure to abort, which stopped when Mike’s mother got word. Even though he relented in this, the relationship was still strained, not least because of money worries.
The typical poor expectant mother feels a new obligation to change her behavior, staying away from bars and parties; not so for the future fathers. Despite dreams of fatherhood before the pregnancy, they are likely to respond with shock and trepidation, denying the child is theirs or pressuring the mom into an abortion, or abandoning the girlfriend. In some cases, denials are accompanied with violence, even hitting the mother in the belly.
At the same time, women’s/girls’ expectations are high — wanting him to get serious about finding a job, attending doctors’ visits with her, and performing all the stereotypical “expectant father duties” (e.g., getting a craved food item from the grocery store). These pressures provoke resentment, and the previously “good” boyfriends often begin to stay out late, do drugs, cheat on them. Others become more jealous and controlling, and even abusive. In some cases, though, pregnancy does have the desired effect of bringing a couple closer. (p 59)
after the birth, men often come around — since their lives are also “aimless and relationally impoverished” (p 60). One of the markers is whether they are present of the birth or at least visit the hospital — 7 of 10 fathers meet this standard.
the next marker is whether the mother gives the child the father’s last name, or her own, depending on how supportive he was of her.
Parents’ reactions: most parents are disappointed, having wanted their children not to follow their own path; “but a pregnancy that occurs ‘out of order’ offers another, alternative route to respectability — albeit a slightly tarnished one” (p 65) if the girl achieves goals later on.
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