My dear friend came over last night, and as we lounged on my couch and drank our ice waters with fresh lemon from our yard, we caught up on how we were doing and what God’s doing in our lives.
I shared how lately I’ve been having this fear continue to creep up in my mind and heart like an unwanted visitor. I shoo it away, then the next day it’s there again, knocking to come in. And sometimes I let it, to only discover it runs in to wreak havoc. I start to get tightness of breath, feel hopeless and alone.
Again, I preach truth to myself, shooing it out the door. Or I’ll whisper my thoughts to Jeff in the darkness of night, and he’ll remind me of who my God is, how He is good and overcomes and is light.
As I shared these thoughts with her, she said, “Alyssa, that is foreboding joy right there, just like Brené Brown talks about. That could happen, or it could never happen. But you can’t let it take over. Instead, fight it with thanksgiving. Give thanks. Think about all that you have right now, all that God is doing and praise Him for it!” (and if you don’t know what foreboding joy is it’s killing your own joy when life seems to be going good and thinking it’s too good to be true so prepare for it to end quickly).
I was studying Galatians 5 this morning and stopped when I read the word JOY. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, and JOY is my word for the year.
Of course the Lord would reveal that I have foreboding joy – the exact opposite of true joy. Instead of nestling on down into the blanket of God’s goodness and resting in His character and having true, inner joy, I struggle with this foreboding joy. I plan out tragedies. It’s like I prepare myself for the worst. It’s me wanting to protect myself from pain. I’ve been let down in the past (who hasn’t?) and my expectations haven’t been met on numerous occasions. So to protect myself from it happening again, I prepare myself for the worst, or nonchalantly expect the absolute minimum.
“I don’t want to get hurt again,” I tell myself.
“I just don’t want to expect anything, that way I’ll be pleasantly surprised.”
The problem with this is that I’m sucking out the joy in my life right now. I’m playing god, trying to protect myself from pain, when really only God can protect me. Pain will come, my expectations won’t be met, but God will go before me and meet me in that moment. His grace is sufficient and His grace will meet me there.
The truth is GOD DOES NOT WRITE A TRAGEDY. He is the greatest Author, and writes the best of stories.
He is a good, loving, and wise Father who only wants what’s best for me. And because He’s God, He is perfect in His love and wisdom. He has given me His Spirit, and His Spirit is one of JOY.
So, today I’m choosing joy. I’m choosing to be thankful. I’m asking Him to come and fill me with His Spirit.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control; against such things there is no law.” Gal. 5:22-23