Desecration of the Divine: Awareness and Safe Spaces

The Most Dangerous Defenses

At the risk of appearing to be picking on Sadovsky, I’d like to bring out a few of her comments to really explain why I feel the need to directly refute.

If we truly believe that we are free to do as we will, then it is simply unethical to expect other folks to change their behaviors and reject the symbols that feed them to satisfy one’s own discomfort [with the practice]. (Sonja Sadovsky; Io Babalon!)

As read, this is a dangerous statement (and I would happily be corrected if this a grammatical error). As it is, if I were to reframe this in another community, one that has its fair share of sexual and chaste women, it may look like this: If we truly believe that we are free to do as we will, then it’s simply unethical to expect gamers to change their behaviors and reject the tradition of violating, doxing, threatening and demeaning women just to satisfy one’s own discomfort [with the practice].

Any group is open to manipulation and nonsense, but is this because of the “patriarchy” or is this because people are human and fall into bad patterns? (Sonja Sadovsky; Io Babalon!)

Yes. I am not sure why this is a question, to be honest? Humans are products of the world they grow up on—nature and nurture. This is the science and study of genetics and brain and psychology. And we grew up in a patriarchal society. No matter how divine one is, nobody is free of the roots that nurtured them.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions formed from their experience, but I have seen just as many women bring their own insecurities and agendas into these organizations as much as men. (Sonja Sadovsky; Io Babalon!)

I told somebody that while I was in what I had considered a safe space, I was subjected to somebody else’s abuse. They said, “Oh, that’s not abuse, that’s just how it is—you just feel insecure right now. It’ll pass.” That is, by the way, word for word. Translated: you brought your own insecurity into that space, and you are now expecting that space to conform.

No. No, no. Speaking of visceral reactions, this one nearly put me into a panic attack. “But other women…!” is the same defense as #NotAllMen or #AllLivesMatter. It may be a valid point, but it completely invalidates the legitimacy of the people central to the point of discussion. What other individuals have done does not change how I feel: everybody has the right to feel safe.

Sometimes the cause of our discomfort is not external, but internal. (Sonja Sadovsky; Io Babalon!)

When I hear this—based on my own experiences—it tends to be a way of softening a much uglier sentiment: if I am uncomfortable because of how I am being treated, then that is my hangup, not anybody else’s problem. Or, more commonly: if my mental illness requires me to ask other people not to worship/objectify/touch/make sexual comments at me, then that is unethical to ask and they can’t be expected to concede.

Internal problems are just as valid as external. Which Sadovsky addresses, and then posits a solution:

Sometimes the cause is external, and that particular group or Lodge or Coven is just fucked.  We have to own that too, and we are empowered to vote with our feet and take anyone who wants to come along with us. (Sonja Sadovsky; Io Babalon!)

I see conform or gtfo. I see that because the term “voting with your feet” puts the onus on the people who feel victimized to leave, leaving the community with the harassment or non-consent problem to continue as they are.

If the idea that others unwittingly forcing an identity on somebody else is not considered “fucked”, then I shudder to think what a truly fucked Lodge or Coven looks likes. I feel as if I am being told that it’s normal for others to force their worship and objectification on me, whether I look to them like an empowered Virgin or a Whore, and if I can’t cope with that… well, there’s the door.

The thing is… It is not hard to find common ground. It’s not hard to acknowledge that there are problematic elements in every single community ever. It’s also not hard to acknowledge that every person in a community needs to be willing to respect each other in order for that community to function.

If comicons and gaming conventions—some of the most toxic places for women and queer folx and PoC—can understand that there are people in their community who need to be told not to assault and demean other people, then there is zero reason why a community that purports to encourage inclusivity and support can’t acknowledge the same.

Frankly, any social contract needs to say is:

Ask how a person wishes to be treated; then do that.

There is power in transgression and breaking taboo. (Sonja Sadovsky; Io Babalon!)

This is true. It’s powerful. Or it would be, applied in the right spaces.

The unfortunate fact is that, as #MeToo shows with excruciating detail, there is no taboo in forcing a woman to submit to what you want. To treat someone else the way you want to treat them and not how they wish to be treated is not transgressive. It’s the actual world we live in; it’s the actual norm.

And all we are asking as a whole, across every space, is to be supported when we ask for the default to change.

It’s time to be honest: if we can’t acknowledge that people are being forced to endure objectification (both good or bad) without ever being asked, what are we really clinging to?

And why do matters of equality, consent, and choice instill a kneejerk need for us to fight against it?

(My personal theory? Tradition. It’s a hell of a drug.)