December 18, 2018

  Honolulu, Hawaii — While taking a family vacation with the entire Trump clan, Donald Jr. suffered a surfing injury and was rushed to an area hospital. The accident occurred in the middle of an all paid vacation funded by President Trump’s Russian business operatives. “They told me I’m doing an excellent job,” President Trump declared, “and they donated a free a trip all expenses paid for me and the fam.” Donald Jr. knows his way around the savage waves… Read more

December 17, 2018

Reykjavik, Iceland – Twenty-two American evangelicals were arrested last night for saying Merry Christmas. They are currently in custody awaiting an initial appearance in front of a judge. Evangelicals Behaving Badly The American evangelicals were visiting the Rúsínan í Pylsuendanum (The raisin at the end of the hot dog) Shopping Center. Icelanders present saw the entire incident unfold. “One minute they were eating abnormal amounts at the food court. And then they were shouting Merry Christmas to nearby shoppers,” one anonymous man… Read more

December 16, 2018

  Washington DC – President Donald Trump is banning the classic Christmas song Feliz Navidad from all White House functions. It’s reported the commander-in-chief the song makes him think of “Mexicans and Democrats.” Felize Navidon’t Anonymous sources say the President and his team were enjoying hot cocoa with tiny marshmallows and Christmas music in between meetings. The popular song containing simple English and Spanish lyrics followed Trump’s favorite holiday tune, Baby, it’s Cold Outside. “What is this Mexican crap?” President… Read more

December 14, 2018

  A new study from the University of Melbourne in Australia finds those who self identify as fans of noted author and psychologist Jordan Peterson are more likely to be suffering from the mental illness known as apophoneia. But what is apophenia? defines the condition as: In psychology, the perception of connections and meaningfulness in unrelated things. Apophenia can be a normal phenomenon or an abnormal one, as in paranoid schizophrenia when the patient sees ominous patterns where there… Read more

December 13, 2018

Dear Facebook and Facebook Friends, I work *75 hours a week at low paying jobs. I blog. I podcast. I’m the primary caregiver for my children. If you are in dire straits I don’t mind you asking me to donate for a Facebook fundraiser. But if you’re asking me to buy you suntan lotion for your trip to Florida, go screw yourself. That was me a few days ago letting off steam about Facebook friends I barely know hitting me… Read more

December 12, 2018

  You can read part one here and part two here! The last time we left 13-year-old me, I was at a Christian ski camp and made a deal with Jesus. He and I were going to stop me from masturbating. In my young adolescent brain it made a lot of sense. If the Messiah could raise Lazarus from the dead, then he could definitely keep me from paying sinful attention to my penis which had a life of its… Read more

December 11, 2018

You can read part one here. “Andy, are you telling me you didn’t have sex for years because of Jesus?” ”I was a Christian soldier, and Christian soldiers know the frontline of the war against sin is in your own pants.” – from a conversation with my new girlfriend. The last time we left 13-year-old me, I was grappling with the sin of masturbation. I tried masturbating without thinking about sex. Needless to say, that didn’t work. Being reincarnated as… Read more

December 10, 2018

  State governments matter. The United States of America doesn’t treat its states as if they were extensions of the federal government. Just look at Florida and its history of election chaos. Or the fact Massachusetts legalized gay marriage years before Washington DC recognized them. States are both incubators of new policies as well as cesspools of idiocy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present for your viewing pleasure Why Louisiana Stays Poor. I was surprised. Check it out. I read The… Read more

December 10, 2018

  This is the true story how I gave up masturbation for Jesus when I was 13-years-old. Before getting into the thick of it, a little bit about me. Mom was the church organist/choir director at the Baptist church we attended. Dad was a deacon. And I took a certain amount of pride in regurgitating memorized Bible verses in my Sunday School class. If I were to go back in time and offer a suggestion to the church elders concerning… Read more

December 9, 2018

Berlin, Vermont – Little Billy Toaletten is only nine-years-old, but he’s a veteran in the traditional Krampus Run. For the last three years, Billy joined other area youths on Krampusnacht, December 5th. As per tradition, they fled through the streets from the anti-Santa, Krampus. If anyone got caught, the youngster ended up in the Krampus Bag where they’d have to wait until the fun is over. This year was different, however. The city fathers unanimously voted to exchange the mythical half… Read more

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