10 Questions To Ask Before Converting

10 Questions To Ask Before Converting July 16, 2015

Have you had a friend convert from one faith to another? I have. In the case I’m thinking of my buddy met a very nice Jewish woman and decided to convert. He didn’t have any deep theological reasons why he was changing faiths. It was just going to make his life easier, and who doesn’t like latkes? If I ever decide convert (hey, it could happen), I’d take my time and ask some serious questions.. Here are my top ten:

cafeinated me
I’ve had three cups of coffee and I want to know NOW!

10. Who is going to Hell?

This sounds like a simple query, but you can find a lot about a faith by asking who is on their naughty list. However, the question may cause the other person to blush because the initial phase of indoctrination is to talk about Magic Candy Mountain and how wonderful the faith is. I will provide a vignette illustrating one way to work this problem out. Me: So, who’s in Hell? Minister: Only God knows for sure. Me: OK, best guess on this one: Is Hitler in Hell? Minister: Um, OK, I’d say yes. Hitler is in Hell. Me: And Hell is forever? Minister: Yes. Me: Here’s a followup question: If Adolf Hitler, slayer of: 6 million Jews, loads of homosexuals, many  mentally and physically disabled people happened to be gay, then would he be punished more than heterosexual Hitler? 

9. Has your church ever been mistaken for NAMBLA?

NAMBLA being the North American Man/Boy Love Association and not the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes.

Women8. Who is in charge of vaginas?

The right answer is pretty simple: The person who has the vagina. There are a lot of wrong answers.

  1. The Pope
  2. Mike Huckabee
  3. Daddy
  4. Jesus
  5. Rick Perry
  6. The husband
  7. Yahweh
  8. Bobby Jindal
  9. Allah
  10. Rick Perry
  11. Marco Rubio


What’s the policy? Wonderfully crispy? Deep fried? Maybe crispy little bits of bacon in chocolate bars? Or is your faith more turkey bacon?

6. To paraphrase Lewis Black, Dinosaurs: Flintstones or Science?


5. What sections of your holy book do you: pay lip service to, ignore completely, or only pay attention to during major holidays?


4. I don’t say “Oh my God!” during sex, but I do a spot on Yoda voice. Is that OK?


3. Please tell me you were able to figure out how Adam and Eve populated the world without resorting to inbreeding.


Ludovico_Mazzolino_-_God_the_Father2. Genocide, is it a cute story for kids? A necessary faith-based real estate strategy? Or “C’mon, that was a long time ago! God didn’t know any better.” 



1.Fill in the blanks: Richard Dawkins is a(n) ________________ who has spent his life dedicated to ____________________ and deserves ____________________.

Feel free to jot  down your own questions in the comments!

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  • Betwixt-and-Between

    I think you forgot to specify “convert to Christianity“, unless you’d ask Hindus about Adam and Eve and Pagans about Hell!

    But yes. Especially #7. Bacon is definitely a deal-breaker.

  • Snowflake

    What about a question about membership fees?

    • And not just the upfront fees, either. There are probably many hidden fees.

      • Snowflake

        Yes, cancellation fees and fees to change your plan. Pay the maitre d for a good seat. Tips for a good sermon?