Donald Trump Declares Himself A Flat Earther

Donald Trump Declares Himself A Flat Earther November 10, 2015
Muslim Earth
The flat Earth of Muslim fundamentalists.

Des Moines, Iowa Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced to a group of likely Republican primary voters that he knows that the Earth is as flat as a pancake. Mr. Trump was eating breakfast in a very crowded diner when he reported that the Holy Spirit directed him to inform the world that his faith was so great that it made that loser Ben Carson’s religious conviction small and  insignificant.

Ben Carson is going to tell you that the pyramids were made to hold grain. That is stupid. It was a myth created in the Middle Ages by people who didn’t know what they were talking about. The flat Earth is biblical. So there.

Some reporters see this statement from Mr. Trump as a blatant attempt to pander to an electorate that favors Ben Carson’s pathological faith and complete disregard for evidence. To these charges The Donald replied, “Mexicans are ruining America.”

Locals state that they have always suspected that Obama is a high level operative in the global Communist-Jihadist Illuminati and this revelation by Trump confirms their pre-existing beliefs perfectly.

“I like the way he speaks his mind about the non-spherical nature of the planet. I’ve been all around the world — from the eastern border of Iowa to the western end of Iowa and at no time did I end up where I started from. That doesn’t jive with a planet-ball, does it?” stated Gabby Clayton, life long Iowa resident and third grade teacher.

Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders issued a statement later in the day decrying the low standards of public education. Hillary Clinton stated that she supported whatever Bernie Sanders had in his statement, but was open to the possibility that in order to get things done politically NASA may have to adopt to the flat Earth-based way of doing things.

FOX News analysts were quick complain that the liberal media coverage of Republicans focus on “facts” that can be proven or disproven rather than the strongly held prejudices of the electorate.

“This is what MSNBC forces real Americans to do — focus on the basic truth of biblical geography when we should be talking about the gays,” stated an anonymous source at FOX News.

Other Republican candidates are repportedly mulling over their own proclamations of biblical inerrancy. Bobby Jindal’s campaign is rumored to be releasing an announcment on his position regarding disobedient sons and how they should be publicly executed by the city gates. Marco Rubio is ready to introduce a Wives submit to your husbands bill in the Senate. And Mike Huckabee has a commmerical in the works where he gloats that all he other candidates are finally coming around to his way of thinking.

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  • MystiqueLady

    It is getting harder and harder to recognize satire — it is so closely mirroring reality these days. Nice piece!

  • Brudder

    South Park needs to do an episode where Cartman runs for President and then just use actual things Trump has said; the other candidates can play themselves using things they have actually said. It would be amazing.

    Or maybe they should keep Trump as well, it really can’t be made more ridiculous than it is now.

    • Darren VanDusen

      well, South Park did do the episode recently where a Trump caricature was elected PM of Canada.

      • I haven’t seen that one. I’ll have to look it up.

        • Darren VanDusen

          complete insanity, as usual. and funny, as usual

      • Brudder

        Parody of Trump, slight exaggeration of Harper with an added sense of humour. Potato, podildo.

  • LostLoonie

    Does it make me sound stupid if I admit that I was at least 3/4 of the way through this article before I realized it couldn’t be real?

  • daznez

    it’s funny because it’s all true.

    if you believe the bible is the true word of God and can find any mention of the earth’s being a globe, or spinning, rotating, orbiting, constantly moving in any away at all, or you can find the phrases ‘solar system’ ‘galaxy’ or ‘universe’ in the kjv, i will give whatever it costs to keep trump in hairpieces for one year.

    because either God is wrong or the cgi they show us is.

  • Martin351

    Trump could easily become president if all he publically said was “The earth is flat, science is wrong, gravity is bull and I can prove it to you if you elect me” He takes the resources and shows the world what many of us already know, we live a flat as a pancake plane.

    Any keener with about an hour to spare can find out for themselves we don’t live on a globe and people like Degrasse, and even Einstein were about as fraudulent as one can be.

    • Martin351

      How do we know we don’t live on a globe?

      – Infrared or thermal imaging (work off line of sight only)
      – Planes can’t land on a spinning globe, not without stopping in mid air
      – Gravity is bogus, seems to have no affect on birds or leaves dangling off trees, or helium or hydrogen
      – Gravity was invented by Newton who was a politician and investment banker (wrap your head around that one..)
      – Compasses, anyone ever stop to wonder why if one is sitting around the bottom of the globe the compass points right through the core and up to the magnetic north pole? The entire concept of this is beyond ridiculous.