Flat Earth Planetarium Opens In Texas

Flat Earth Planetarium Opens In Texas March 26, 2017
Flat Earth Planetarium boasts "classic" exhibits
A main exhibit in the Flat Earth Planetarium.

Brownsville, Texas – A planetarium celebrating the flat Earth-centered model of the universe opened last week in this coastal city of 175,000. Named The Alternative Planetary Center of Discovery (TAPCD) the main viewing chamber is reported to sit hundreds.

In The Beginning

One year ago the TAPCD was only a dream in Minister Ezekiel Longstreet’s mind. At the time he was the humble leader of the local megachurch, Stone Zeppelin Baptist Ministries. Minister Longstreet reports he was making his famous pizza-eggs  for breakfast when the Holy Spirit demanded that the reign of heretical cosmology be challenged:

One minute I was adding the eggs to the chopped up remnants of last night’s pepperoni pizza and the next the least popular of the Trinity was demanding I go on crusade to champion God’s model of the universe. – Minister Longstreet.

Executing God’s Vision

Immediately after finishing his pizza-eggs, Reverend Longstreet contacted other local ministers as well as his longtime friend Mayor Andrew Canard. Within days TAPCD funding was secured via taxpayer subsidies. A site for the development was found on unused land by the Brownsville Central High School.

“That land weren’t doing anything anyway,” stated Mayor Canard. “Sure some of the eggheads on the School Committee wanted to build a Science and Technology Center on the property, but what good does that do for the community?”


Secular groups challenged the use of public monies to support what amounts to a faith-based amusement park peddling Bronze Age mythology as science. The Freedom From Mind Numbing Idiocy (FFMNI) took the matter to the city and then state courts to no avail. The Supreme Court refused to hear the case.

Here is an excerpt from the ruling against the FFMNI:

The flat-Earth centered cosmology found in the Old Testament is not the product of religion or faith. Rather, it is the result of ignorance of the authors of the holy book. The flat-Earth model of the universe is not just found in the Bible. Many cultures unaware of basic science have come to the same conclusion. While funding for the planetarium that specializes in stupidity is idiotic, the people’s representatives have spoken.

Opening Day

Dozens thronged to the planetarium on its grand opening to learn about the waters that surround the planet and the sold firmament in the sky that holds back said waters from drowning us all.

It was an educational experience for everyone involved.

“I never knew the Sun, Moon, and stars moved underneath the solid dome. That makes a lot of sense since how could a solid firmament allow such things? What I’m afraid of is now is NASA or the Russians puncturing our only protection against the heavenly waters,” stated 5th grade Science teacher Mary Hall.

The Future

Although attendance is a bit lower than hoped for, Minister Longstreet expects an uptick in ticket sales once he starts the Friday Night Pig Roasts


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