Washington DC – In the wake of previous national security advisor Mike Flynn offering to give testimony about the relationship between President Trump’s administration and the Russian government, Vladimir Putin ordered the Russian embassy to get a sleeper sofa ready for the Donald.
“We bought a DHP Emily Convertible Linen Futon on Amazon,” stated Embassador Ilych Canard. “We got a sweet deal, too. However, the Russian government is not cheaping out on our friend. We paid extra for expert assembly.”
Rumors suggest that the commander-in-chief of the world’s largest military will have the third-floor solarium in the embassy all to himself between the hours of 11 pm – 6 am. After waking, Trump is welcome to wander the halls aimlessly and tweet whatever the Kremlin wants him to.
White House spokesman Sean Spicer answered questions regarding the future of the President at the daily briefing. “I have no information about that,” he said to every question. After hearing that response several times, frustrated reporters asked when the last time he hit his wife and whether or not the Russian sleeper sofa sleeps two.
Congressional Republicans formed a special sub-committee on the growing threat that the President may avoid legal entanglements by finding refuge with the Russians. The Sub-Committee on President Pence (SCPP) is trying to find the most elegant way to shuffle the Donald over to the Russians. The debate is centered on whether or not to look the other way or to actively give assistance. Those holding the former position do not wish to get their hands dirty. The latter group of Republicans realizes if given to his own devices Donald Trump will flee the White House but may never find the Russian embassy.
President Trump seems oblivious to the drama in his own government as well as the overtures coming from the Russians. Sources close to the President state that his days are spent watching Maury, pointing at the television and yelling “You are the father, LOSER!” Nights are spent lounging on a bed of Trump steaks and watching reruns of The Apprentice.
Steve Bannon seems as giddy as an 8-year-old left alone in the My Little Pony section of Walmart. As an agent of chaos, Mr. Bannon is reveling in a job well done and is reported to be making plans to travel to the holy land to welcome the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
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