America Copes With Raining Frogs And Bloody Red Waterways

America Copes With Raining Frogs And Bloody Red Waterways August 27, 2017

Cryptobranchus_japonicus

Japanese Giant Salamanders are screaming BANZAI! 

 

The United States of America – Frogs and other assorted amphibians are pouring down from the sky all across the land of the free and the brave. Residents of the continental United States along with Alaska, Hawaii, and overseas US possessions are up to their hips with animals that start their lives in water but are able live on land later in life.

Meteorologists are scratching their collective heads over the deluge that began Friday, January 20. Professor Andrew Canard of the Theological Meteorological Society (TMS) is an expert in faith-based weather. He is flummoxed:

The first thing religious Americans think is This must be God punishing us. This can’t be the case. God’s candidate, Donald J. Trump, won the election and was innaugurated on January 20. My research team is dedicated to finding how Hillary’s emails are at fault.

If God is responsible for this precipitation of Amphibia, then He is pulling out all the stops. Everyday Americans are daily waking up to the tiny (.3 inch)  Paedophryne amauensis in their cereal boxes. No one knows how the world’s smallest vertebrae get in there. What is known is that the little critters are causing familial strife.

Twelve-year-old Sally Thompson tells an all too common tale of misery:

My brother Todd is 3-years-old. I poured him a big bowl of his favorite Diabetes Type II Sugar Snax. I turn around for a minute and he’s crunching down mini-frogs. He said he liked the extra crunch.

Megachurch botox televangelist Reverend Paula White is quick to say President Donald J. Trump is a dedicated believer and takes Jesus’ teachings seriously. Ms. White’s current husband, as well as all of her previous husbands, agree with this assessment. According to this lady of God, the frogs, newts, toads, caecilians are calls for atheists, Jews, Muslims, and Catholics to take on the mantle of Christ’s righteousness and tithe, tithe, tithe.

Economists are warning that the consistent amphibian rain will affect the economy adversely. It isn’t just the fact that the animals are hampering all modes of transport.

“We expect the US economy to fall into recession next quarter,” stated economist Andrew Hall. “What’s really driving this downturn is all the effort to rationalize what’s going on in the country. When you’re busy denying and repressing to this extreme extent workers aren’t going to produce.”

And then there are the rivers of blood.

Rivers, streams, and rivulets are breaking their banks with the stuff.

Regarding this turn of events, religious leaders are mum.

However, alt-right leaders are heralding rivers of blood as a victory.

Famed fascist, Richard Spencer noted, “It may not be blood and soil, but it’s close enough for jazz.”

 


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