Boston, MA – Early this morning Governor Andrew Canard signed into law mandating churches offer “real” facts to their congregations. While churches, synagogues, and mosques may still spin their webs of deceitful alt-facts, they will have to give equal time to peer reviewed journals and legitimate scholarly consensus.
The new statute is in response to what scientists call Religio-Cognitive Impairment Syndrome (RCIS). RCIS is the process where the executive functions of the brain are worn down to nubs due to religion. Executive functions include abstract thought, decision making, and being able to tie one’s own shoes in the morning.
The worst effects of this phenomenon are found in the most vulnerable of society. The children and elderly.
Professor Alexandrina MacDonald explains how toxic and unregulated does of faith can be:
For small children and many of the elderly, their brains’ executive functions are not performing optimally. The ability to perform complicated tasks or problem solve is often impaired. We have found that consistent exposure to the muddle headed so-called logic of faith is similar to hitting someone on the head with a sock full of marbles. Very few people walk away from something like that with their cognitive abilities intact.
The new law requires whenever an alternative fact is mentioned in a hymn, a prayer, a scripture reading, or a sermon the congregation must be made aware of reality-based information. How the information is given to those in the pews is up to the religious institution. For large congregations, a large movie screen is suggested.
Law makers hope the messages of No, Virginia, Noah’s Ark never happened or Speaking in tongues is simply gobbledygook will prevent a GOP takeover of the state.
Religious leaders are up in arms. Imams are saying Massachusetts is engaging in hate speech.
One anonymous Muslim holy man summed up the argument succinctly:
Earthly facts that contradict the holy Qur’an are blasphemous and should be stoned. For years western science has been attacking Islam. This new law is just another manifestation of white supremacy. In protest, my mosque will be burning a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
In related news, 9 out of 10 citizens didn’t even know encyclopedias are still a thing.
The Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) is damning Massachusetts to liberal hell. The organization is issuing a travel ban for the Bay State. Sources in the SPLC hope the ban will keep deeply held beliefs intact regardless of whether or not those beliefs are mired in reality.
Numerous court challenges to the new law may take years to work their way up through the courts. Religious leaders fear by that time the only people in houses of God will be high functioning schizophrenics.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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