Parent and child both know Jesus is the One True Whopper.
Christian parents, you are going to be spending countless hours trying to train your child up in the ways of the LORD. You’re going to be spending money hand over fist on Jesus camps, Jesus retreats, and that large mural of the crucifixion hanging in your child’s room titled Jesus never masturbated. You don’t want all your efforts to go to waste, do you? Here are some tips to get your kid into heaven where they can tell everyone what a great parent you are.
1. Create a sense of overwhelming anxiety
The unfortunate truth of modern parenting in this age of sin is: Even the most dedicated Christian helicopter parent can’t be there at all times. It doesn’t matter if you’re sending your child to a godless public school or a Jesus friendly one, no one is going to allow a parent to follow their child into the bathroom. There may even be times your rebellious teen no longer wants to sleep in the same bed with you and your biblically approved spouse.
That’s why you need to instill an irrational sense of anxiety about sin and damnation from an early age. Parents should expose their children to this bit of heavenly wisdom from Mathew 3: 28-30
“Truly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they utter; but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is guilty of an eternal sin”— for they had said, “He has an unclean spirit.”
If your little one wants to know what does it mean to blaspheme against the Holy Spirit just shrug your shoulders and say, “Who knows? It’s best to cover your bets and NEVER SIN.”
2. Conditional love is the best love of all
Man’s knowledge is riddled with sin. Man’s science is the result of Lucifer’s fall from heaven and man’s search on how to escape God’s loving judgment. That’s why psychologists, social workers, and that Dr. Phil on television are wrong when they tell you unconditional love is what a child needs.
God is love. The Bible says so. And He will love every sinner forever who suffers an eternity in hell. Parents need to reflect that divine template with their kids. In the old days, it was common not to spare the rod when teaching your child right and wrong. Unfortunately, in today’s world Satan has the Department of Child Welfare taking away religious freedoms to protect the well being of little ones.
What is a parent to do?
When your child is sinning cut them off from all of your affection. Treat them as if they were bags of medical waste that answer to names like Jacob and Mary. Make sure you tell them you love them while you’re doing it. Only then will you show them the conditional nature of God’s unconditional love.
3. Teach them cutting-edge Christian apologetics
It’s important to remember that the word apologetics means to defend. It doesn’t mean to think in a logically coherent fashion. Nor does it mean to understand the viewpoints of others who disagree with you. If your child did that, then their fragile eternal souls will be debating Socrates in Hades someday.
Instill a sense that all non-Christians are sad people who lead shallow lives. Even if they seem happy, stable, and prosperous, that’s just a front. For example, Bill Gates may have cofounded Microsoft, is worth billions and is a famous philanthropist, but at night his little heart cries out for Jesus.
In closing, it’s important to remember that Jesus will not provide for your child’s future therapy bills.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
Stay in touch! Like Laughing in Disbelief on Facebook: