City Of Dis, Hell – Hell is in crisis. The infernal realm is overcrowded. Souls of Christians are turning Hell into a hell under earth. Christians are flocking to damnation in unprecedented numbers and no one seems to know what to do about the overcrowding situation.
“We have the evangelicals piled up on top of each other all the way up to the top of the underworld,” complained Demonic Chief Operations Officer (DCOO) Andrew Canard. “Is that a form of torture? Sure. But this is Hell and we have standards of torture we need to be following. Simply stacking souls isn’t cutting the mustard.”
Economists warned Hell’s Executive Board for months that Donald Trump’s campaign in 2016 and subsequent presidency would create challenges. Although the projections for Souls Entering Hell per Minute (SEHM) showed a significant spike for the next few years, no one expected the deluge of evangelicals itching for eternal punishment.
“The death rate hasn’t increased since the 2016 presidential election,” explained Satanic Economist Jack Matirko. “What has changed is that 109% of evangelicals who did die ended up in Hell.”
When asked how could 109% of dead evangelicals end up in Hell, Mr. Matirko shrugged his shoulders and mentioned it could be a divine miracle. If Jesus could feed the 10,000 with Lunchables, then anything is possible.
Regardless of the maths, it’s clear Heaven wants nothing to do with people who claim to follow Jesus and vote as if he never existed.
Heaven remains silent. Several attempts to question divine officials on this important issue were rebuffed. Some anonymous sources within the Pearly Gates state God is making Heaven great again.
Meanwhile Hell is in chaos. And not the sort of hellish chaos where things get done. Instead the machinery of the infernal realm is grinding to a standstill due to the stressors of all the new evangelical souls.
There is hope. Satan himself is stepping in and plans to expand his realm. It won’t be easy. Not only does he have to find cheap real estate, but the costs of setting up the devilish infrastructure will be astronomical.
Despite the hurdles, The Prince Of Darkness is positive. “Next year this time Mississippi will really be Hell on earth!” Satan joked.
Hey, just a reminder not to buy your holiday/Christmas tree from the Boy Scouts. They discriminate against atheists and agnostics. Don’t finance hate!
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
Stay in touch! Like Laughing in Disbelief on Facebook: