Cambridge, MA – The small pharmaceutical company LiFeGen just published findings from its most recent clinical trials on the Alzheimer drug Educanumab. The results show that the drug slows the creation of amyloid proteins in the brain that are thought to cause cognitive deterioration as well as “clean up” the amyloid proteins already present. What no one expected, however, are the patients in the clinical trial who became atheists.
“After two weeks of taking Educanumab, patient 32’s caretakers discovered him reading Christopher Hitchens’ God Is Not Great. Patient 32 was a lifelong elder in his church before treatment,” stated Professor Andrew Canard. “The individual was writing notes in the margins and reportedly mumbling, ‘I can’t believe I fell for all that hooey'”
Religious Beliefs are Extinguished
As cognitive functioning increased under treatment, so did the overall quality of life for patients. Individuals were observed throwing away religious fliers received in the mail that asked DO YOU KNOW HELL IS REAL? The amount of money given to television evangelists plummetted.
While old faith-based behaviors vanished, new attitudes and activities emerged. A vast majority of the patients (88%) placed Good Without God signs in their front yards. Those who once demonstrated homophobic tendencies did an 180-degree turn and became advocates for the LGBTQ community. All who responded to the drug were able to identify racist “dog whistles” in the media and showed an appropriate level of disdain for the demagogues who use them.
Is Christ Under Attack?
Many evangelical leaders and their followers are enraged at yet another attack on their Bronze Age beliefs by science. And they’re not taking this lying down. Tens of protesters stood in front of LiFeGen to put the “heathens” on notice.
“First, science says the Earth isn’t the center of the universe. Second, science says extra-crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken and Mountain Dew will kill you. Now this. Enough is enough!” shouted Reverend Dan Gamecock of the First Avenue Baptist Church of Brockton, MA.
When asked what his demands were, Reverend Gamecock stated there had to be a way to fight cognitive impairment without sacrificing faith. If Alzheimer’s can’t be stopped without killing the Jesus living in patients’ hearts, then the drug wasn’t worth it. “Better to sacrifice a part of the body then let the entire person burn in hell for eternity,” he stated.
The Future Of Faith
The next step for Educanumab is a study that incorporates thousands of patients. The research team is hopeful they will be able to replicate previous findings. If not, it’s back to the drawing board. “The good thing about science is it allows you to change your opinions based on the evidence. Maybe that’s what religious fundamentalists are mad about,” Professor Canard mused.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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