The Satanic Mosque (TSM) recently forced the state of Florida to place all 613 commandments (Mitzvot) of the Bible be placed in every single classroom. TSM threatened to sue due to the *bill in the state legislature that would place “In God We Trust” in a “conspicuous place” on every school. State legislators jumped at the compromise offered by TSM. Christians got their In God We Trust, and the TSM is showing students, teachers, and parents what’s really in the Bible.
TSM supporters were concerned at this strategy. After all, the organization has a long history of fighting church-state infractions. In this situation, The Satanic Mosque seemed to give in to theocratic demands 110%.
“Don’t worry,” stated Lucifer Lucky, one of the founders of TSM. “We offered a poison pill and Christians decided to swallow the entire bottle.”
613 Commandments in the Classroom – Is that in the Bible?
At first, politicians and evangelical Christians rejoiced at the “victory.” Once the 613 commandments were set up, a more sober realization took place.
People started to read the Bible.
There was considerable trouble in Blountsville, Florida. This small community of 600 souls came face-to-face with what’s in the good book.
Little Bobby Drake, age 9, lives in Blountsville and attends school there. He rubbed his eyes and gazed at this Commandment proudly displayed in his class: Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property. Exodus 21:20-21
“Is Jesus telling us we can own and hit people?” he asked his teacher.
“Oh, that’s the Old Testament. God said it was OK to abuse slaves, but Jesus never would.” his teacher replied.
“Isn’t Jesus God? Isn’t Jesus and God one?” the precocious 3rd grader retorted. “Why would Jesus say it was OK to hit someone and then say it isn’t right to do it later? Is it OK for me to hit Jimmy before lunch, but after lunch it isn’t OK? That doesn’t seem to make sense.”
Budding biblical literacy and skepticism swept through Blountsville students.
“That stuff’s not right,” stated 5th grader Keenan Brown, the only minority student in his class, as he looked at this Mitzvot:
Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly. Leviticus 25: 44-46
Residents quickly opened up their Bibles in vain hope that the school had somehow mistranslated the word of God. They quickly learned that they didn’t know the Bible, except for the few verses that they were spoon fed by their local ministers.
Local holy man, Reverend Andrew Canard, was consulted. It was decided to hold a full question and answer session in the high school auditorium about questionable verses in the Bible.
“I had high hopes for the meeting,” stated the minister.
Concerned parents and students packed the auditorium that night. Reverend Canard started answering questions, and the whole situation quickly degenerated into chaos.
“My thirteen-year-old daughter came home crying the other day. She said that Jesus would want here to marry a rapist? I looked up Deuteronomy 22:22: 28-29 and she was right! Now she doesn’t want to leave the house.” stated Thomas Jones.
“You just quoted the Old Testament in church last Sunday about gay marriage!” yelled the outraged father.
“I’m trying to raise two girls. I was doing a good job until they got the idea in their head that they are unclean during their period, and that they and their clothes can’t be touched. I asked them where they got that kind of crazy idea. They told me Leviticus 15: 19-24!” shouted another irate father.
The meeting quickly ended after a melee ensued in the crowd between a Mormon, who wanted verses from the Book of Mormon to be placed in classrooms, and a Baptist, who wanted to follow the biblical teaching of stoning heretics.
After the Dust Settled
In the days following, the 613 Commandments were quietly taken down from all Florida classrooms. All of the In God We Trust signs were also taken away.
The Satanic Mosque celebrated their victory over those Christians who want to jam Jesus down everyone’s throats.
*There really is a bill in the Florida legislature requiring schools to have In God We Trust Displayed. The NPR story Florida Lawmakers Advance Bill Requiring Schools To Display ‘In God We Trust’ tells the tale.
The bill’s sponsor in the House, Rep. Kimberly Daniels, a Democrat from Jacksonville who also runs a ministry, said the bill is “so simple, just saying put a poster up to remind our children of the foundation of this country.”
Beside that little kernel of truth, the rest of the piece is a Poe. To my knowledge there is no such organization as The Satanic Mosque. The fictitious organization seemed to be a good bizarro world version of The Satanic Temple.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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