*Washington DC- In a ceremony reminiscent of the days of absolute monarchs, evangelicals crowned President Donald Trump the Lord Protector of the Faith. The event occurred on the White House lawn because everyone involved agreed the best way to celebrate the death of the Republic was under a blue sky.
Many religious superstars attended the coronation. Official Republican Jesus Guru Paula White celebrated the “divine anointing” of Donald Trump. Televangelist Jim Bakker brought hundreds of buckets of survivalist-foodstuffs as a gift. Secret service personnel apprehended Reverend Baker fearing he was trying to poison the President Lord Protector. “You can leave Jimmy alone,” Trump commanded. “He makes his bread and butter by selling buckets of swill.”
Lord and Protector of the Faith may seem like a radical title for a sitting American President to hold. Many present wanted Trump to be called Lord and Protector of the Faith and Nation. However, after a five-minute debate, it was apparent that being Protector of the Faith implicitly meant being Protector of the Faith and Nation. After all, the United States of America is a Christian country.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders attempted to calm fears many in the press have about the new royal title. “Everything is going to be fine as you remember to kneel with your right knee,” she stated.
Russian President Vladimir Putin called to congratulate his authoritarian counterpart. The Russian head of state promised a gift but was coy on what it is. Sources state he wants it to be a surprise. Others believe he’s having difficulty picking out the right prostitute for the job.
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