Hobby Lobby – Onward Christian Soldiers! – WWJDW?

Hobby Lobby – Onward Christian Soldiers! – WWJDW? March 21, 2018


Here is comedian Nathan Timmel’s weekly What Would Jesus Do Wednesdays? rant. Enjoy!

Before 2014, you might have only known of Hobby Lobby as “That place full of crap that your grandmother likes.”

Since then, things have changed.

More and more often these days, business owners are making their personal and political beliefs public. When you’re fun-loving Christians, like the Green family—owners of Hobby Lobby—this is beneficial to everyone.

In 2014, David and Barbara Green won a lawsuit in the Supreme Court. They had been challenging the federal government’s implementation of a very specific section of the ACA—otherwise known as Obamacare. The very specific section of the ACA the Green family was upset by involved providing contraception as part of insurance plans. The Green family didn’t agree with the idea women could use their healthcare to chose ways to have responsible sex, premarital or otherwise.

It’s important to note the “otherwise,” because unlike popular and prevailing close-minded beliefs, it’s not just single ladies who are involved in family planning; married couples often use birth control to make sure they don’t have kids before they’re ready.

Regardless, the Green family wanted Hobby Lobby to limit their female employees methods of contraception. They argued that the federal law required them to violate God’s laws. In David Green’s own words: “We cannot abandon our religious beliefs to comply with this mandate.”

All well and good, you might say, “Who wants women fornicating, or being responsible for their own bodies?”

Well, it gets better: like many retailers, Hobby Lobby doesn’t provide maternity leave for their employees. That’s right ladies, you can only chose the contraception these Christians approve of. Fortunately, you also cannot take time off from your job to care for your newborn, because that would hurt the corporate bottom line.

When talking about a company like Hobby Lobby, the majority of the employees being discussed are retail workers. You’re not talking about management, or white collar corporate jobs, you’re talking about paycheck-to-paycheck moms who need every penny they can in order to take care of the kid they might have accidentally had because you were opposed to an IUD or the morning after pill.

But it gets better!

Instead of providing adequate health care for employees, what does the Green family spend their Hobby Lobby profits on?

Illegally buying religious artifacts smuggled out of their countries of origin.

That’s right, instead of allowing religious artifacts to remain in the museums of their home countries, Hobby Lobby paid smugglers on the black market to steal these items, so that Hobby Lobby could open their own “Museum of the Bible,” something they spent $500 million on.

Could that $500 million gone toward healthcare for their employees, feeding children, education, or any other numerous charitable causes? Of course not. If there’s one thing good Christians know, it’s the words of Jesus: “Build monuments to me, and our religion. Don’t waste time feeding the poor and taking care of children or the downtrodden.”

(I’m paraphrasing, but I think that quote is somewhere in the book of Matthew.)

After all, there’s absolutely nothing in the Bible about worshiping false gods or idolatry, right?

Pfft, why would it? Christians need monuments toward their tome of rules, and there’s nothing in there that says they shouldn’t worship artifacts, is there?

Anyway, Hobby Lobby is closed on Sunday. That way their employees can spend their day off in church. Which is exactly what a mom wants to do when trying to wind-down after a week of retail work dealing with fussy customers.

Yes, for these reasons (and probably more), the Greens are true examples of what it means to be Christian, and to follow in Jesus’ footsteps.

Onward, Christian soldiers! Onward!


Comedian and author Nathan Timmel writes WWJDW (What Would Jesus Do Wednesdays) here on Laughing in Disbelief. His books include  Are You There, Xenu? It’s Me, Nathan and  Hey Buddy…: Dubious Advice From Dad.

You can find Nathan on his site and @NathanTimmel on Twitter. 

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