Frankfort, Kentucky – In the early hours of the morning Kentucky Governor Jefferson Watauga signed the Anti-Antichrist Militia Act into law. The new law effectively divides up the state into twelve militia districts. Lawmakers decided upon twelve districts to represent the twelve disciples and each area is named after an apostle of the Lord. Each district has one citizen operated armed paramilitary with one goal – to resist the antichrist if and when he marches on the great state of Kentucky.
The new law immediately takes effect. Citizen soldiers have been looking forward to the inauguration of the statue for some time. Militias are ready to fight for God and country.
“I’ve got thirty fellas who have been training hard on the weekends for the last month or two,” stated Thomas “Gabby” King, Commander of District Andrew. “So far we have only caught one squirrelly looking Jew acting suspiciously around Doug MacDonald’s well.”
Each district has the authority to train its militia in whatever way it sees fit. This has led to the rise of a variety of innovative methods. District Luke takes a page from medieval England where archers practiced after Sunday services. Their soldiers drill in their Sunday best. District Mathew has a corporate sponsor, Budweiser. After a weekly meeting on Saturday afternoons where the militia partakes in Bud-inspired team building exercises, they practice patrolling the streets of their communities.
Experts in the mass psychosis in small communities are speaking out on the inherent problems that occur when groups of citizens arm themselves and allow religious fervor to take the reins. These experts point to existing organizations like Hamas, the KKK, and Republicans. Hysteria is bound to occur. In District Mark, elementary school students are doing duck and cover exercises. Harkening back to Cold War fears of nuclear annihilation, teachers will yell out “The antichrist is here!” or “Here comes Obama!” and the children will then hide underneath their tables curled up in fetal positions.
Other states are looking at Kentucky and hoping to replicate the militia program. The legislature in South Carolina has a bill in conference committee that improves on the Kentucky ordinance by giving control of the state police to councils of churches. Not wanting to be outdone, Mississippi is looking to draft a law where every able bodied God fearing Christian man would be conscripted into the Gentle Jesus Defense League.In a related story, blue states are erecting walls, moats, and a fortified line of libraries that will hopefully fend off idiocy.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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